Post archive

Autumn 2018 Update

As you will see from the 16 July post, I changed jobs and met with a Narcissistic bully.

After six months my contract was not renewed and I feel sure my 'card was marked' as a result of standing up to the bully.

It is incredibly sickening that some bitch can wield that much power - her husband is a total brainwashed enabler who thinks her aggressive shouting and bullying is "strength and assertiveness" - I do so hope he is making enough money to pay for his daughters therapy in about ten years time! 

However I have proven to myself that I was worth far more than the job could offer me. I also sat opposite a Narcissist for six months and managed to not have her bother me. OK I'd rather not sit there, and am so glad I don't now, but I did actually sit there and not react to her. I so mastered the art of non-reaction. Which was a considerable improvement on the fearful response of the early days. I think she knew she had lost when I went in to the office with the husband and kept saying the same thing (that people react badly to her because of her attitude to them). 
From then on she had no where to go with trying to bully me and she KNEW I knew so much more than she did about the industry. I suspect in order to get me out a smear campaign/pillow talk was waged to make sure I went just to ensure her 'queen of the office' crown was not lost. I've never worked in a place with such appalling unprofessionalism between her and her "golden child" of the office who treated the place more like a kindergarten! 

Karma of course may now come back to bite her as the husband has been humiliatingly pushed sideways (demoted!) and now she has no power as he is no longer the boss. I wonder how long she'll last if the others she bullied now start shouting back?!

I know I am well away from there but nevertheless it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. I am currently unemployed, feeling a certain amount of depression due to the change of being totally on my own again, but I am writing a novel in the time I have available now.

It is hard not to think AGAIN another N ruins my life but I suppose I have to hope it will be onwards and upwards soon. I am between bouts of thinking it'll work out and was all for a reason, and struggling with being on my own, no family, no boyfriend and feeling no hope - the weather is not helping as it's pissing down day in day out like England and I can hear my roof leaking when they should have fixed it in the summer!

Praying I don't meet anymore N's!

;-) Mariella

New Novel in Progress

Hello folks!

I now have a new novel in progress. I have written 33,000 words so it is currently well on the way.
It is set in Tooting (briefly) and Mallorca and will feature several superyachts and a new set of characters inspired from my tribulations of the summer. Thankfully some good can come out of the "mistake job of my career"! 

It is currently working under "Project Kynthia" but I am considering "Where The Fun Starts"

;-) Mariella

Narcissists In The Workplace 16 JULY 2018

Today I was accused of abuse at work. 

The person stood up shouted that I'd been abusive and dragged me into the office with the boss, who is her husband. 

I suggested it was inappropriate to be put in a room with her to talk it through, I was over ruled. (To be expected in the circumstances!).

I was told that we had to get on or there would be an inevitable reshuffle and situations would be changed, as a recent employee under probationary period the implication was clear - the wife would win!

Yes this is the situation I find myself in after less than three months in a new job. 

Why did this happen?

Today I stood up for myself properly for the first time against weeks of abuse from her! 

As any reader of my blog will know I have suffered Narcissistic abuse rather a lot over the years! I can spot an N pretty easily in most cases, some may fool me for a short while until a certain behaviour will spark a rather disappointing recognition and the penny drops!

This woman is probably N. Possibly N/Borderline personality disorder mix.

It says a lot that she stood up and shouted she'd been abused before dragging me to the office! It's laughable really (and I'd really be laughing about it if my blood pressure wasn't in the red)! 

This is what an abuser does and they are so clueless to the actual affects of abuse and how victims really behave they make a mockery of themselves while trying to hide their crimes! It's also called deflection! 

No victim of abuse is ever going to jump up in the middle of abuse and drag their abuser to the manager! It is not what happens! Victims of abuse generally blame themselves (not the loud vocal poor me diatribe of an N caught out) and take it all in. If they speak up it will not be in the heat of abuse when fear/bewilderment is the primary emotion. No, someone who has been systematically abused will be far more likely to snap one day in themselves and go quietly (possibly after Dutch courage) to the relevant authority in a company or far more likely detail it from the safety of a letter or email! The only way a victim of abuse will go any other route is if they are backed into a corner by said abuser and be forced to confront it in a manner as I have today and even then there will still be a degree of stealth choosing to fire off an email to a higher authority or figure who they may have some hope of attaining justice from, rather than a kangaroo court! It is debatable an abuser would do that as they are convinced they are right and will win so I doubt such an action would ever occur to them anyway. 

The fact is this woman's reputation precedes her. She is known in our locality and industry for the behaviour she perpetuates. I knew before the interview- rather optimistically I hoped she might be one of the Ns who have in the past looked up to me for my knowledge as has been the case with one or two I have encountered. 

Feeling absolutely sick as a dog!!

Back To Earth With A Bump Part 3-

I’m really struggling with depression at the moment. It seems that whatever I do nothing much changes. I’m really struggling with how life is. I go to work and spend the day alone, then maybe go and do my second job for an hour or two and then home, exhausted, for dinner and try and relax with a tv show before bed. I might have an evening to see a friend once a week. Then the weekend is spent trying to catch up with shopping, cooking, washing, housework etc, or maybe to do some sort of decorating in the vain hope that one day I might get what I paid for this apartment.

 

There is no fun, no meeting anyone, no hope! Life is just a never ending shit fest that at times is getting worse. It’s worse being back in Peguera, as it all takes more time because there is travelling to add in! I feel like I’ll never get out of this. All around me people are living their dreams and I’m just living a never ending Groundhog day of nothingness! It’s barely worth bothering. I really don’t think I’d be much missed f I wasn’t around any longer. It’s not like I’m someone’s world. OK I’m my bunny’s world but even she is living this boring life of nothingness and boredom because I haven’t found a bunny hus bun to keep her company since her husbun died last July. Nearly a year!

 

I’ve had spells of improvement over the years. This seemed related to the law of attraction, yet I don't know what happened with that! Maybe I've lost my touch! But in depression it's hard to feel good about anything! But I look back now and have to wonder for instance with regards to my last relationship ... what if that was as good as it would ever get? What if that was the peak of my existence? What if I never get what I am worthy of? How long do you keep hoping? My whole life I’ve been hoping for something to make the whole shitfest worthwhile, and I’m still hoping! What if it never happens. What if abuse and nothingness while watching others have their dreams come true is all I ever get?

 

I’ve wanted a soul mate for as long as I can remember and it just doesn’t happen. The only men I ever meet are freaky wierdos, like stalkers or men who don’t know what love is and just want someone to cook/clean/shag rather than be alone. (Yeah that type, you know you’re interchangeable and easily replaced by those types!). I don’t want to meet some freaky stalker type who thinks they can just accost me in a public place (year before last!). Why is that so fucking impossible?! It’s been more than 20 years of feeling this way. I’m sick of it. How can you keep hoping when day after day after day is the same empty nothingness? Add in my history of abuse and it makes it seem pointless hoping anyway! Nothing I do seems to change anything. I’ve gone backwards!

Back To Earth With A Bump Part 2-

To add even more to the woe of my return to Mallorca, I collected my rabbit from the sitter and noticed she didn’t seem quite right. She had a slight white eyed look which I knew wasn’t right. I though initially that maybe it was because she was unsettled by my return so I let her settle in back to her room and cage at home for an hour or two before picking her up to check her over. She was filthy dirty and covered in debris and Sudocrem (I’d instructed sitter to dab her slightly sore patches round her pee hole if required yet she’d come back with the stuff smothering her legs, above her tail and across her belly, which was dirty and awful).

I gave her a rinse under the shower on my lap, knowing from the mess that it could take more than one rinse to get her back to the state she’d been in before trip. (Baths/rinses should be kept to a minimum to avoid stress!) Then discovered she was running alive with maggots! My worst nightmare – she’d got fly strike at the sitter! What followed was an emergency trip on Sunday evening to the vet where her wound was examined and hundreds of maggots came out! Apparently she was lucky to be alive, the maggots give off toxins which can poison the rabbit and cause seizures so she was caught in time. They can also eat the rabbit alive and consequently damage muscle and even organs. My bunny was lucky that they hadn’t gone that far. What followed was daily vet visits for the following week costing 271 euros. The sitter has promised the board money back, although I have yet to see it – she claims not to have a bank account – yeah in this day and age? Right.

I am so annoyed as I put her with someone I thought would take proper (professional) care of her rather than a friend who may not be adequately rabbit experienced and this is what I got. The area was totally inadequate and the care, well.... she nearly died, need I say more. The woman has a rabbit that she allows to run wild in the neighbouring fields, again, hardly responsible pet ownership!

This woman had at least ten dogs at her pet “hotel” in the wilds outside Capdella, so I can only hope their owners fair better when they get their pets back!

I am thoroughly disgusted. Luckily my bunny has now made a recovery that should be full in time. Her wound will take weeks to heal and it could be many months before her fur grows back, and that’s hoping the maggots haven’t affected anything inside or won’t have any other repercussions!

 

My bunny is actually the only thing I have to live for right now! I don’t know how things would have worked out of I’d lost her!

Back To Earth With A Bump Part 1–

I returned back to Mallorca to a letter stuffed in my doorstep from my mother! Oh deep joy! Way to put a dampener on a high from Michael Shanks and catching up with friends and relatives and generally having a great week despite the cold I was suffering from!

 

When I lived away from Peguera, she didn’t know where I was, so she couldn’t do things like that! I refused to look at it that day, but there it was niggly at me just like she used to do!

 

Turned out it was a letter wittering on about her Will again and tax provisions! She thinks she should do the right thing! Yet she evidently needs me to tell her what that is. It is riddled with the poor me’s again and taking no responsibility for her current circumstances and of course weaved with lies and manipulations!

 

Apparently she has to do something soon because her doctor tells her she is suffering from Ischaemic heart disease. So I looked that up; it is just another word for what she was diagnosed with in 1981 & 2001! Nothing new, but using something to try to manipulate!

 

The thing is this is the woman who never gave me a penny of pocket money as a child and has never paid me the income she owes me from shared investments. So why in the hell should I believe she is wanting to sign something over to me to save inheritance tax down the line? She’s the kind of woman who wouldn’t give anyone the scrapings of her nose so I know this is just another attempt at the old manipulation. Nothing comes without strings with her so this would just be a way to bind me up as she did before! Now while I would welcome any monetary assistance at the moment so as to make life actually worth living rather than being about survival I know that the price is too high with her. So it’s going to have to be IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE!

 

I just wish I could get away from my current location so she didn’t know where I was any more. I’ve blocked calls, Whatsapps, email, Facebook; but I can’t block the miserable moo from letters on my doorstep destroying my peace and giving me PTSD!!

 

Unfortunately it is adding to a greater woe of feeling stuck and trapped where I am. I can’t see a way out. I can’t sell up as I will never be able to find a better place and indeed I suspect I would not get anywhere near what I paid back in 2008!

 

Since I came back here I have slumped into a state of depression that I’m not sure is ever going to lift. In just trying to survive I am doing more work and the location of that means I often don’t get home until 10pm. It’s getting exhausting and there is no life, no fun, no happiness. Just trying to get through!

 

Life in the last year or so has taken a distinct turn for the worse. First some of my friends left the island, and took with them a lot of my hope. It was a real blow when they left as a lot of my hope/fun was tied up with their events and parties and once that finished I suddenly had nothing to look forward to. I’d been able to interact with like-minded souls and now it just doesn’t happen! I pretty much just go to work and look at the four walls and come home (eventually to do the same). The friends I’d cultivated after my break-up four years ago have all moved on bar one who is busy with family. Now I have less money for socialising and far less time. I honestly don’t know what to do about it. This is not living. This is just NOTHING! At least before I could come home and love where I lived and now I can’t even do that. All I see is possible years of misery and stuck! With that woman reminding me of stuff I just want to forget about!

Collectormania 2017, Birmingham NEC

I absolutely loved going to Collectormania. Everything worked out well and the hotel and location was perfect for it. I did have a certain amount of anxiety. I’d wanted to meet Michael Shanks for several years, especially with him being the inspiration for Captain Bryce! There was however danger in that – what if he was disappointing?! How would that affect me, my writing and given that he provides hours of entertainment, my mood for years to come etc!

 

Actually I need not have worried.

 

Michael was a gentleman, a charmer and a true star. He was every bit as lovely as other fan girls had said and yes, very charismatic too.

My first sighting of him was while nervous waiting in the photo op queue. What would he be like? Would he be scruffy or tidy – I hoped he’d be tidy! Oh boy when he appeared there was instant relief; he had his hair short and tidy (no bad hair day hat in sight) and he was in black shirt, jeans and boots, looking perfect. The second glance was like HOLY Shit, I’ve got to stand next to him and not collapse in awe!! (He looked totally awesome!).

 

I managed to stand next to him for the picture and smile and it turned out OK – I was too nervous to ask him for a hug picture at that point! He was all big Hi’s and Hey’s and Hello’s to each person as if he was totally excited to see everyone. Suspect this is as much because he’s Canadianly friendly!!!

 

Later I went to get my autograph at his table. Unlike the John Barrowman queue which was massive the whole time, Michael’s queue waxed and waned. I chose a time when the queue was short, maybe ten people as was so nervous about handing the book over to him. I asked the helper if we were allowed to give the guests gifts and she said yes. Hurdle one over. Then it was me standing in front of him. He has reading glasses now, which were rather fetching – they were definitely “Michael’s glasses” as he didn’t look like Daniel or even Victor. It seems to be a thing with him, he looks subtly different in each role and in his appearance at Collectormania this was “Michael” (Or maybe how Michael appears to be at such events – who knows he is an actor after all!).

I gave him the book in a brown paper bag since I didn’t want anyone else seeing! And he looked vaguely intrigued, as I explained that I’d written it because he’d inspired the character and also greatly inspired me and given me hope. I haven’t a clue what he said, although I do remember grins and smiles! I did say he might not like it as its more chick-lit so maybe his daughter Tatiana might like it instead and that was met with a wry snort and something along the lines of “yeah I’ll find it hard to get a look in”! I asked to take a picture of him in his glasses which he happily did and then I was off.

 

The next day was busier as there was a Ben Browder talk – he was really good. Plus photos with Michael and Ben and I decided to get another autograph from Michael of him as Charlie Harris as my two favourite characters are Daniel and Charlie. Also last was the Michael talk where I was hoping to get some good photos like I’ve seen from some of the other “Hussies” have taken (his fans have named themselves that on the Daniel Jackson/Michael Shanks thunk thread on Gateworld.com).

 

When I went up for the second autograph there was no one at his table queuing – an opportunity to chat that I sadly didn’t take but to be honest I still can’t think what I could’ve said!! Anyway he looked at my name and said how do you say that, saying it in the process, ABSOLUTELY perfectly! OMG a first for almost everyone and OMG he said my name!!

He signed the photo and instead of the Daniel smiley face with glasses did a Charlie one without glasses and a bowtie which gave me a giggle. I said I was looking forward to seeing Season 5 as hadn’t seen any at that point and especially the blue shirt/suit episode with the lawyer. (Another grin!). I then said I’d heard from his other fans he does good hugs so as I was having another photo with him shortly could I have a huggy picture. – Can’t remember what he said. Something like sure or certainly I think! I have no idea whether he remembered me from the day before and the book, I suspect not; it’s difficult to tell, he greets most people like he’s meeting someone he’s delighted to see and has met before,  so who knows. He did at least remember at the photo as he went straight into hug pose rather than lean in, hand on the shoulder pose!

And let’s just say it was luuuuuurrrrrvvvvveeeeelllllyyyy!

I’ve hugged Charlie Harris/Daniel Jackson ... Squueeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

The talk afterwards was really good, and I took over 200 photos. The lighting was difficult, tungsten and some daylight from the roof, so lit from above which shadows the eyes. He is also very animated so it’s a bit hit and miss to get a perfect shot with the necessary slow speed from no flash! However I got 60 good pictures that (once run through photo shop to take out the orange light and adjust the contrast to reveal the eyes) are passable in my OCD photographer sense! One can only imagine what could be done with good light and him posing! Oh god, no, I probably would have knee trouble and spill onto the floor!

 

All in all I had a great trip and met some lovely ladies too. It was so nice to be able to talk about Stargate/Saving Hope and have people know what I was on about!! I hope to do it again soon.

 

The funny thing about it was seeing people dressed up in their Stargate gear. I saw a couple of men in the full rig out. One in desert camo, and another in the green. Slightly disappointing though that one looked like an accountant or possibly even my old headmaster (not that it would have been, he was far too boring to be that interesting!) and one was carrying a John Lewis carrier bag ... now that’s not a sight I have witnessed in any episode of Stargate SG-1 – couldn’t he stretch to a clip-on backpack like they wore??

 

I think they whole experience was addictive but then I guess it was a very rare dream come true so it’s bound to be!!!

Confirmation, if confirmation were needed!

Life has been intensely hectic. My tenant left my apartment in a disgusting condition - I had to invest in a wire brush to clean the baked on grime from the hob burners!! I had two days cleaning, having various meltdowns! With the help of two cleaners and a friend the place was made habitable enough to move in. Then there was the actual moving and currently total chaos with boxes everywhere! I have however decorated the main bedroom over the weekend!

So in the midst of this I saw my mother watching me from her balcony (on my first horrific day of cleaning!). No doubt she was peeved I hadn't come running!

So the next day when my friend and the cleaners were assisting I had my front door open (because a lock was being fitted). I was in the middle of trying to reassemble a collapsed chest of drawers when I saw a figure walk along the corridor and come back to my door. My heart sank it was HER!

I'm pretty sure I pulled an oh god face while trying to ignore her but she didn't leave. She then said Hello in much the same voice she used to use that sounded like she'd just sucked a lemon when she was sulking!

She then launched into her piece- bearing in mind my friend was between us in the hallway- "I asked X&Y to tell you to talk to me about my Will".

To which I sighed (still trying to get chest of drawers back together) - I'm busy. I don't have time to respond to summons! Funnily enough my life doesn't revolve around you!"

Undeterred- I mean seriously she can see it's in chaos, she could see friend with drill, she definitely saw one of the cleaners when she walked to door, but well obviously "it's all about me" is her motto so on she persists!!

"I have to make decisions, there are things I need to know!"

I replied "I don't think there is. You know all you need to know. You will do what you want to do whatever I say and I see no need for discussion!"

(Discussion would be a waste of time since she's a liar/manipulator).

Undaunted, "There are things that have to be decided now for tax planning!"

I sighed exasperatedly and said "You already know all you need to know. I'm not discussing it!"


"Don't you want an inheritance?" (She was probably shocked the tactic and carrot dangling wasn't working like it used to!)

At that point I didn't care the others were listening to every word since it was totally apparent she has not changed one iota in nine years. Normal people would not stand there discussing that in those circumstances! So I said, "On 2nd January 2009 you disowned me for going to a New Year's Eve party and told me I was no longer your daughter; since that day I have had no expectations about getting anything from you!"


And then she said something that totally floored me. "You disowned me!"

I mean quite why I'm shocked that she wouldn't even own up to that is ridiculous in the circumstances, I should have known she'd eventually deny that and blame it on me but nevertheless I was totally floored by that! I was about to lose my temper but my friend pushed me away and told her to leave that it was inappropriate that she was there talking about it in front of cleaners- even then she still did not show an ounce of sense or awareness and still tried to persist and with a heavy dose of poor me's. My friend had to bar the door and move outwards to shoo her away! There was a litany of poor me's all the way down the corridor and down the steps and quite possibly all the way across the garden!!


It was confirmation totally that she is completely barking mad and with zero sense of reason and zero sense of time/place. Nothing matters but her in her world and evidently none of it is her fault!

I know she gaslights/lies but honestly I never expected her to gaslight the whole disowning me thing. That day is etched in history as the day that changed my life (for the better as it turns out). To hear her deny her part in it is sickening beyond belief! I can only assume in her sick mind that my going to a party and choosing me over her for the first time ever, is the equivalent to her of dumping your daughter from your life! Clearly that belief alone marks out her insanity!

This whole brief episode has proven confirmation of why I can't even spend 10 seconds with her. She is insane and tries to tell everyone else they are! If I never see her again it really will be a moment to soon. I will not be attending her funeral! I hope I never see her again but that maybe be problematic since she has her holiday home 60m from my home! This was why I didn't want to return there! I was safe away from her reach and her  insanity where I was! I didn't have to see her bitter/miserable face!

Later that day my friend and I had lunch in the local cafe. When he went to the loo she walked in. I heard her tell the cafe owner she was later than usual - in her sucking up "I'm so lovely voice"- the one she used on an elderly relative she wanted to inherit from! - honestly I nearly threw up a perfectly good omelette!
Still I knew she wouldn't start anything there- she couldn't show herself up with people she's trying to impress on that she's a sweet old lady!!


I bet the old bat has gone home wondering where my ex was and who the strange man was! Hahaha that would be a laugh! She was never given the truth by my relatives who keep my details quiet!! They let her believe I was still with him even though it's close on 4 years that I haven't!

One thing is for certain I am immensely grateful I was able to stay away when my relationship broke up as I would have been in a terrible state trying to deal with her too!!

Now hopefully, things will be improved in her absence. I'm busy focusing on home improvements!

Narc Mother Strikes Again!

I am so pissed off I could scream! Trouble is, if I started maybe I wouldn't stop!

I got a text message from my cousin to say they'd received a post card from my mother saying she was over here! That she was here until 1st April (which instantly made my heart sink as I'll be moving the day before so the old witch will probably see me - unusual activity and nosiness almost guarantees that! Deep joy!) and that they were to advise me that she wished to talk to me about inheritance as apparently she has some decisions to make!

In other words, since the email about cancer screening didn't elicit any response from me, she'd try the tried and tested dangle the inheritance carrot - which she's obviously forgotten didn't work last time circa 6 years ago!


And at the same time by sending it via cousins she's probably hoping they'll ramp up the sucking up to make sure they are included since that was what she tried last time!


That she even mentions "inheritance" and "discussion" in the same sentence proves her worth! With normal loving parents there is no need for discussion, it's an automatic! It's not a case of, you do this and you get that! It's you get this, without any thought, because "you're my flesh and blood and I want you to be happy and do all I can to improve your life and I love you unconditionally"!! It's never "you be a clone of me or else it goes to x,y,z".
Ugh, bloody woman!


I doubt my cousins would dream of having a "discussion" with their kids!

She's that up herself she doesn't even realise you can only play a trump card once! Never mind it fell flat the first time! I didn't say "how high"!! In fact I totally ignored her as I hope to do this time!

Not to say I'm not angry about the whole situation- the people she two-faced and arse-licked to get her inheritance would be disgusted with her had they known her true colours and I'm pretty damn sure they'd have something to say about her actions and my right to an inheritance, but even if they are rolling in their graves it won't help me and the bitch!


She controlled me with it for 30-odd years, putting myself down and taking her abuse-well not anymore! I've been controlled by two things in this existence- her (and my father) and my never-ending lack of money that prohibits me from ever doing what I want to do! I am always backed into a corner, stuck and struggling and god alone knows if I will ever be free of that!! But licking her arse and being manipulated to the point of suicidal depression is too high a price to pay for circa half a mil!! - it's already cost me a fortune in therapy and healing! And nearly my life/sanity!

No thanks darling- dangle it in front of one of your minions and see how that works out for you luv!!


I'm also pissed off cos I thought she'd be gone by next week and now not only do I have the stress of moving and no doubt two days of hard bloody cleaning to get rid of the filth of the tenant (who quite frankly could be my mother's bloody love child; they're so similar) but now I'm probably not going to be able to risk leaving the door wide open to release the cleaning fumes either, in case she turns up on the doorstep- although to be honest, that may be too much trouble for her. She's expecting me to run like a dog that got whistled!

I guess she was pissed off I've ignored the three attempts of her contact in the last year and didn't bother to go to the community meeting for the third year running cos being anywhere near her is like being fed on by a Wraith! (I can see why in Stargate Atlantis they chose the chest/heart region as the Wraith feeding zone- cos that's where the energy drains out of me when nearly that woman - I kid you not I feel it being pulled out of me!!!)

I am wondering if I can get some cleaning assistance/bodyguard for next week!

I am sick of this. If I never saw or heard from her again I could rest in peace!!

Bite The Bullet -

The time has finally arrived when it seems I have to bite the bullet and return to my own flat. Fate appears to be pushing it, as now not only have I had an ultimatum from my landlord but my own flat has developed a damp problem that I am unwilling to allow the tenants to stay (if I do it will just get wrecked since cleanliness is not their middle name – in fact doing anything that requires the woman to be anything other than horizontal on the bed moaning seems to be a problem!). This means although it is not my idea of ideal, that I can at least tart it up a bit, and try to sell it. I’ll never sell it with the slob in there, and the curtains are black as mechanics rags!

 

It also means I may have to put up with the presence of my mother. Oh deep joy! I had better fit a viewing peephole to the front door, just in case she decides to walk across the garden on one of her holidays! Still, that’s all of one hundred steps so I’ll don’t expect her to put that kind of effort in really!

 

The only way to deal with this really is to think of the positives – I can do some decorating and at least feel a sense of pride from that. I may be able to put in some laminate floor, give the bathroom a spruce up with new basin and toilet, and reinvigorate the kitchen by painting the tiles from tacky 1960’s tiles to glossy white at which point it should look presentable – OK not in the style of swanky villa, but decent enough for the likely clientele of the region!

 

I am going to miss my present abode. I fell in love with it at first sight and it will be a huge loss. But for all I know it could still be on the market a year from now, so maybe all is not lost. I bought a lottery ticket this evening ... still living in hope. However maybe the future is much grander than the version where I lived here?

 

MP ;-)

The Law of Attraction ... in Action???

I have written before of using the Law of Attraction, and it really can provide miracles. Sometimes though things happen that can make me gobsmacked!

 

I’m not sure if I have mentioned this, but when I broke up with my partner (and after I had spent a year in a mess getting over that) I came up with my new vision of the future. My ultimate, if you may! Well, if you’re going to dream, dream big I say; there’s little point in making the production of your life an off-broadway production or a Z-movie, when it is possible to create a full blown epic A-list blockbuster!

 

So, I visualised my new man and what I wanted from life. Given my passion for sailing I knew the best option was finding a male sailor who could help me realise my long held dream of cruising off into the sunset! Now to anyone who has read Learning To Fly, you have some idea of what this dream man is like and what he “drives”! That character has been the template of this dream man, with a few minor adjustments. Readers will also know that the mysterious boat in the story probably holds some sort of fascination for me too. Well they are Oysters, a real make that is made in Ipswich in the UK. I particularly fancy the 60 footer with its 3 vertical windows in the hull. So, yes my dream man will come from a very specific part of the world and have this boat. However, reason could well dictate that the chances of a person from that country having that boat which comes from several thousand miles away is actually rather slim, very slim in fact since I’d estimate there may not be more than 50 of the boats in existence and most are British flagged! Still never let that get in the way of my dream; despite logic I persisted with the idea that my man will have that boat and come a long way to get here!

 

Now I also have an obsession with the AIS system, which tracks boat movements, so you can watch those with a beacon make their way around the world or just from Palma to Illetas and back! Well given that I have had several instances of the law of attraction working for me, I thought that in today’s technological age I may even see Mr Right arrive! Now I’ve only seen five boats with this country’s flag so not many of those folks get to sailing here! Two years ago however I noticed one that was staying locally in the summer and going to warmer waters in the winter – it now has done this two years running. I’ve checked the name but there was no photo and no info on the internet. In 2015 it was in a marina I had access too, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually look in case I found some old tub with pensioners on it or something and destroyed my hope/fantasy, as to be honest it helps when one is depressed!

 

Anyway, on Thursday I was a little bored so I decided to catch up on its whereabouts and as expected it was in its winter cruising ground. But then I nearly fell off my chair! Someone has added a photo and OH MY GOD, it is an Oyster just as described in Learning To Fly and a visible lone male is at the helm! The chances of that being the case is absolutely gobsmackingly ridiculously unlikely! Or it should be one would think, if one was being realistic!  Statistically it should be near impossible. Yet this boat that has mysteriously fascinated me (and even been moored in the same marina as in Learning To Fly), is actually the boat I visualised! Same make, same layout, same three windows in the hull! That should be impossible!

 

So, is this my dream man waiting to make my acquaintance? Well who knows; if it’s meant to be then our paths will inevitably cross. It won’t be for a few months yet, assuming it comes back here again for the summer. So maybe just maybe my future is the fabulous version I wanted. Maybe I now have the time needed to ready myself for that to arrive? Certainly it could be something very exciting; how will the Universe conspire to bring that about?

 

If he really is my Mr Right, I am so looking forward to meeting him! One thing’s for sure, he’ll be worth the wait!

 

MP ;-)

Aya Update -

I realise I may have seemed cynical/irreverent in my blog about the Ayahuasca. However I am willing to admit that despite that, and the “disappointing” experience, it may have effects on me that are not yet apparent. I spoke to a friend who has done it several times and she says they often say you should do two, as one will not seem to have much effect but actually it clears the way for a more profound experience the second time. I may well do it again, just not yet.

 

I believe it may have been working at a level not entirely conscious, so it will be interesting to see if I have any change of perspective in the coming months. I feel to some degree that I have come to an understanding that I should “let go”. I worry far too much about things that are not even worth thinking about yet. I have decided to buy a little box and put notes of my worries in it. If it is in the worry box I should not think about it!

 

Another realisation is that I need to let go of certain ideas or similar. I feel in some things such as my home I have been hanging on for grim death trying to get a certain outcome and visualising a future based on that, which may be entirely short-sighted. I am basing my future on these hopes, when quite frankly I have no idea what the future holds. What if, it is beyond my wildest dreams? Does it serve me to try and hang on to a specific outcome when I cannot see what may happen? I feel like I have got a certain message to just “ride the waves” as and when they happen.

 

At the moment in regards to my current home I am realising that it is a little big, and nice (spacious) as that is, it could be seen as unnecessary. The lounge has been 13 degrees centigrade for the better part of a week and the gas heater gives you 3 degrees if you are lucky. Currently I don’t have the luxury of being able to attain reasonable heat as it is too expensive. So the space in the winter is not so much fun as it is very cold and takes a lot of heating! (oh and apparently the electric company has put up electric 33% for 8am to 11pm yesterday – nice eh?). If I was well off, it would be nice to be warm. Some hope for that now!

 

Additionally there is a baby arrived downstairs, that was living elsewhere but seems to be spending more time there. It screams incessantly; of course I can’t blame it – it appears to have been born to Waynetta Slob, with no father in sight, is probably unwanted and has a gargoyle for a granny (also N I suspect), so I can see why it’s so utterly horrified to be here. Nevertheless I want peace! It won’t be long before it gets its toddler lungs and really starts making a racket! Do I want to live above that? Not really!

Do I want to put myself in huge mortgage debt for a place that requires ear plugs night & day? Honestly when it’s not screaming the granny is making baby hoo-ha! The thought of witnessing that misery making googoo faces is horrific! Oh god, it’s screaming incessantly again. Ear plugs again tonight!

To be honest, if in the next year or so it becomes possible for me to buy a place, it would make more sense to buy downstairs, that way I’d get rid of the noisy, disrespectful neighbours! Of course I am now more open to the fact that my ideas for the future may well change in that time scale and it may no longer be a desire. I guess we’ll see!

 

It occurred to me on the drive to work that hanging on to these ideas, may actually deprive me of something so much better, so I am trying to let go and just ride the waves and see what happens!

 

I came to Mallorca thinking this was my end destination, and so long have held onto that view. Actually Mallorca has good and bad points. The bad being complete financial stagnation, I am not better off that when I arrived, I am worse off and the property market hasn’t moved, it may still be below when I arrived, so in those terms it was a bad move, although a better quality of life, granted. In emotional/psychological terms of course, it has been a great success, and I have achieved healing here that would have been unlikely in the UK. But I am now less certain as to whether it is the last place I will live. I am open to a move; a new place, where maybe something else can be achieved.

 

Along those lines I also have realised that I have a lot of baggage/stuff, that I really shouldn’t be afraid to release if a life changing opportunity should happen along. Would I really want to hang on to books, cookery items and furniture in those circumstances? No, of course not!

 

I have also been thinking about the end of this tenancy and the thought of returning to my old flat which I haven’t lived in for 7 years. My fears of that, were knowing that my mother would be close by, and therefore could harass me. This morning however I didn’t feel fear when considering that. Instead my mind told me that she is of no consequence. She was, but now she’s not. While driving to the shopping centre just now I had an insight that she is the demon I make of her. Therefore if I regard her as of little consequence then she is “not bothering me”. Perhaps our demons are only demons as long as we give them that power.

Mind you to be honest if I told her I’d done Ayahuasca she’d probably disappear pretty damn quick – or maybe try to get me sectioned, LOL! Now I don’t know if this feeling will last but it is certainly better than what was going on in my mind before the Aya.

 

I’ve also realised that I did not follow my passion. I took route number 2, the second best option; the “acceptable” option. My passion since I was 7 was to be in acting or at the very least working within the film/TV industry. To be honest, my writing is done with half an eye on that outcome. If that is a way for me to get that experience then at least it is an option available to me; the only option available to me. It was the route that I should have taken, but I didn’t because it would have been unacceptable to my parents and I’ve never had enough money to just do what I want! I tried to pursue it again at around 26 after my father had died, but then (again) I was thwarted by money – and maybe my self-belief wasn’t up to it either! Even now, drama school is not an option due to money. Instead I took my second passion which probably should have been my hobby and ran with that. It was “acceptable” to my parents, although I never exactly been a massive success in it; but nevertheless working in the boating industry has made working life passable and paid the bills so I guess that is a blessing.

 

Here on Mallorca it is difficult as I am unable to indulge my passions of amateur dramatics, or evening classes and even boating as a hobby isn’t open to me as it is so damned expensive - which makes me think maybe I need to be open to moving on. Here you can only have a boat if you are rolling in it and there is no amateur dramatics that I know of and well, evening classes? Forget it! Add in my other passion of travel (and travel photography) and that is something I can’t do either due to lack of money.

 

MP ;-)

TV Advertising

I have spent the better part of the last three years barely switching on my SKY box, but this winter I have succumbed (possibly as I was getting a little bored with my DVD collection) and am now watching a couple of things on TV. Pick and Drama seem to offer some good programmes and I’m enjoying A Town Called Eureka and now Stargate Atlantis is being played too.

The downside of this? The bloody adverts! Honestly they are from the sublime to the ridiculous! First there is the Andrex advert. Now where did all the puppies go? And why, WHY, do we want to know “how clean you feel” after using Andrex? I mean really? Are standards getting so low that we need to imagine cacky arses being wiped with toilet roll? It’s toilet roll; it isn;t gonna make any difference if it is Andrex or Lidl and if you want a truly clean arse, then wash it!

Then we have something I am not entirely sure what it is about but you have fat sweaty builders prancing about in the street opposite a load of nerds in tight jean hot pants and high heels. Hmmm, yes, I wonder which total freak dreamed up that idea, let alone the people that thought it would be a good idea to appear in it! I think it might be money supermarket or something. Yeah right, so how does wally’s dancing compel anyone to check out the service being offered. Or am I nuts?

 

Then we have Flora spread that is now vegan! I would have thought any one sensitive about their health/the environment to go vegan, would avoid some sort of plastic concoction that that is bound to be!

 

And don’t get me started about the 118 118 goons that appear on whichever channel when there’s a film on. You really would be inclined just NOT to phone that number for the simple reason they are so fucking irritating! Who needs that service when there is Google anyway!

 

Is it just me that thinks the world is insane?

 

Actually though I do like the new Flash advert with the singing poodle and the Fishy in my dishy cat one!

 

MP ;-)

Aya-whaty ... and Well whadya know!

It is a very fine morning this morning, the sun is shining and I’m jumping for joy! I feel  excited and inspired and I very definitely have something to look forward to, something that hopefully may shift my creative block and get me writing “Bryce”, but even if that’s not so, it has given me something to look forward to at least!

 

So was this something to do with the Ayahuasca you ask? Well, you’ll see...

 

Anyway as I on previous post I decided to do Ayahuasca. It was calling me I guess, and now I’ve done it, but well, it didn’t exactly float my boat. I am willing to accept it may be the circumstances around the whole event that dictated this result, and that maybe in other circumstances I may get a better result, but nevertheless what happened was disappointing to say the least.

 

Firstly I arrived to an apparently empty house with no door bell, and doors that were faulty (seriously, sliding doors should, you know, slide!). It was nothing like the warm greeting or ambiance I got when I first went to Annie and Tony at Energetic Wisdom and I think first impressions such as that make a big difference. If you’re not swept into a welcome and the hosts aren’t there to greet you what does that say?

 

There it was, a bloody cold night, and I’ve turned up to a finca in the sticks and no one in sight? Only a dog that looked like it wanted to jump all over me were it not for a non-sliding sliding door between us!

 

Anyway, eventually someone in a poncho turned up from round the back, possibly alerted by text message from the English translator who wasn’t there yet, and I was directed round the back of the house to a big room lined with mattresses and told to choose one. From this moment on I was wondering what I’d let myself in for, it just seemed odd, cold, unstructured and unsettling. It then became apparent that the room did not have indoor facilities and that the toilet was in a shack outside across what could be called a courtyard if one was “optimistic”. Now I agree this is probably way better than any hut in the jungle (and that’s why a hut in a jungle is unappealing to me) but nevertheless it just reminded me of old caravan holidays in wet England fields where there might be a toilet hut in the corner, usually with ubiquitous spider to watch you while you peed. (Yep, there was a spider in the bath next to the toilet), oh and no lock on the door; which, granted, I understand that people in charge of people tripping might not want locks on bathroom doors, but maybe a “fake lock” with an occupied sign might have been useful! Holding the door to prevent dim-wits who can’t knock barge in, is, well I’ll use the word again, unsettling!

 

I eventually met one of the hosts at the interview around an hour later. At this point I started to get a little uncomfortable. I’d paid a deposit online, and she asked if I was planning on staying one night or two – I explained that as an Ayahuasca virgin I hoped two but if I wasn’t comfortable I’d  stay one. This was not met with understanding as one might expect, but a firm we recommend two. Well, thanks maybe you do recommend two but only I can know what is best for me and if I’m not happy I don’t want to be forced into something because of what you think!

 

It then became apparent that the price would change from advertised if I decided on the second night having had a successful first night! I’m sorry but the attitude of it’ll cost you more to have second night if you don’t pay now is not really friendly or therapeutic! If I paid for two and didn’t want to stay, they’d keep the extra for my next time – oh I see, nothing like blackmail then? I worked out that it would be cheaper to pay and do one night and if one wanted to do it again, do the same for the next retreat (which also would give me time to think!). That sort of attitude hardly puts you in a relaxed and trusting frame of mind.

 

Anyway onwards to the experience. While I admit that the people (who are doing this in their home) are doing it to help people, and no doubt have helped many, and while they appeared very conscientious during the night they did not gel with me. I can only compare it to my experience with Annie and Tony and know that I felt their energy as loving and nurturing but I did not feel any good feeling from the hosts in this place. I still miss Annie and Tony’s home and presence, I can still feel good thinking about them. I just felt uncomfortable in the Ayahuasca place. I daresay nerves played their part, when I am nervous I perhaps shut down a fair bit, put up a wall, but nevertheless I don’t think it was just nerves.

 

We waited for what seemed like hours as people arrived and were interviewed and it was not until about nine thirty or ten that the hosts presented themselves in the room. I think they should have presented themselves (nay welcomed everyone!) when everyone arrived, explained a bit, then done the interviews and come back for the ceremony. Oddly there had been a man in the room at the head as it were, sitting crossed legged and smilingly benevolently, not saying barely anything for several hours, I still have no idea who he was or what his role was for being there - the only thing I do know is that he ended up sleeping on the mattress next to me after it was all finally over, and snored!

 

Then began an explanation in Spanish of the Ayahuasca which was interpreted for the English speakers. The ceremony began with us being invited to have the male host blow some substance of mixed herbs up our noses. As I was last for this I saw the expressions of all those who’d taken it and it looked painful or unpleasant to say the least. It was called Rapé and was supposed to clear a pathway in the brain to aid visions. It looked to me like they’d all taken a bad dose of snuff and as I suffer migraines from smells and have once got one from a nasal spray I was less than enthusiastic, and when asked for a translation of exactly what it was about was met with “Your mind is very noisy!” I felt like saying “Actually it’s the loudest thing about me”, but I doubt he’d have got the joke. I indicated I didn’t want a migraine thanks and instead he took a hefty pinch of the stuff (looked like mixed spice) from his hand and blew it (rather testily I thought) in my face! Glad I shut my eyes quick!

 

What followed was a ritual clearing of the space and everyone with what I’d guess was sage (it was growing in the veg patch). Now I have once cleared my house with dried rosemary, and nearly set the place on fire but even that didn’t produce as much smoke as this stuff. I could barely see the end of the room. This was rather unsettling as I can get a headache from the smoke that comes out of the oven when I’ve warmed the pan for roast spuds! And cigarette smoke gives me headaches too. Last thing one wants in a total alien environment taking a substance for the first time, is to worry they’re going to trigger a migraine before you start! (It later turned out that another guy there also had the same worries – he apparently spent most of the night outside in the freezing cold because of the smoke).

 

We were told we had to stay in the room, which again is something that doesn’t sit well with me as I have a severe phobia about being denied access to toilets. Such as that it has triggered panic attacks in the past. Obviously they can’t have you wander off but the lit “courtyard” was in full view of a floor to ceiling window?

 

So before we started, I’d been smoked like a haddock and denied a toilet for the night because they didn’t have an indoor one! I can’t say that was a good start, when you are already anxious about what you are doing. I’ve never tried substances and haven’t ever smoked so it was a big leap into the unknown!

 

We were then called forward to receive our Ayahuasca and receive about a shot glass amount - out of a shared cup – is this normal? Seriously shot glasses in the Chinese are as cheap as chips! I daresay even little terracotta bowls like the one used only cost 50c for the sake of not sharing anyone else’s cold sores! The Ayahuasca had apparently been made in Colombia and had been boiled for a large amount of hours, I think it started off at 160 litres and ended up as 1 litre or something. This was to give it “energy” to travel to Europe I think. (Was it walking, one wonders?). My impression was it brownish (in the dense candle-lit fog that still remained) and looked slightly thick. It was a bit like drinking a shot of foul brown 99% cocoa milkshake, and it clung to the mouth and didn’t want to clear – not that I had much saliva, as I hadn’t drunk water for 6 hours by then due to not wanting to have toilet needs in the night which was just as well given the arrangements!

 

We were told to sit for at least half an hour to allow the stuff to go down and not puke (sorry “purge”) it back up. I was actually quite proud of myself as despite its rather repellent taste and consistency it did in fact stay down for several hours, which was good going for me considering slightly cold broccoli touching my mouth can cause a heave of volcanic proportions in me – I have trouble with odd tastes and textures. (Like when I was on a date with a guy I’d known only a week or two and inadvertently ate an olive soaked pickled onion and spent the next five minutes trying not to heave every second without him noticing- luckily I spat the damn thing out in an ornamental flower pot!).

 

I remained sitting up for a good half an hour, waiting. Eventually everyone else lay down so I did too and to be honest all I felt was some gurgling and a sort of feeling of bubbles in my guts. I’d like to think it was the Ayahuasca healing its way through my intestines, but who knows.  They’d started playing music, and at that point it was quite pleasant, like pan-pipes and I was feeling content enough jiggling my toes to the beat and thinking about the pan pipes players I’ve seen on Peguera and Santa Ponca promenade which also promoted a good feeling. I tried to clear my mind ... but it’s very noisy don’t you know!

 

I’d been feeling nothing but “OK I’m lying here in a very bizarre situation wondering if something is going to hit me, yet apparently still feeling nothing” (it apparently takes effect after an hour or so) and mostly thinking “Oh well just lay back and feel the music”. It was kind of like well if nothing else happens at least I can feel tranquil and content, which at least is better than depressed. Then they changed the music to some god awful atrocity, and all I can say is I then wondered if “Oh my god here it comes”. I felt a wave of something rise up my body; energy? It was bit like what happens when you have a cold sweat panic, but not quite. It swept over me and I reached for my sick bag and dry heaved nothing. As the male host had previously said he watches people purging as it gives clues to their “being”, I did wonder what he’d make of that, especially as he was up my end of the room watching me. It probably would be something about an inability to let go, I mused! (Oddly he never mentioned anyone’s style of puking again, perhaps he keeps those gems to himself!).

 

And then I got boiling hot, sweat pouring off me and I had to start stripping off my jacket and cardigan, threw back the blanket etc. I was wondering if I’d be down to my thermal vest, but frankly in the fog no one would have seen! Thankfully the sweat only lasted a few minutes and I remained focused on keeping calm. I wondered if I was about to be in for a rough, ride and closed my eyes. But nothing. No visions. Nothing.

 

The only thing that happened was my arms and legs started buzzing. I have had this sensation in trying to astral travel (and failing miserably) and it also happened at the end of a past life regression. Perhaps if I’d let go maybe I could’ve astral travelled but I’ll never know now. The buzzing lasted five or ten minutes.

 

The only thing that was really affecting me was the music, either irritating the hell out of me in some sort of sound torture or allowing me to relax and enjoy it, toe tapping and all.

 

Some while later. It may have been an hour and a half or so or three hours. If as publicised then they give the booster at 1.30am some three hours after the start. I was wary, did I want it? In the end I thought well what the heck. It was less than before but in the rinsing stage (you get your shot then they put a dash of water in the cup and give it a good scrape so you get the full dose) it was something other than water used to rinse the cup, and I was getting a definite hint of cough mixture or Hierbas in whatever was added. OK? That’s a little odd! Did she pick up the wrong bottle instead of the water bottle in the still dense fog? Will Ayahuasca and “Benylin” give me visions or kill me? This tasted even worse in my mouth and the last stuff had pretty much only just cleared from my mouth too.

 

So I sat again and calmed myself in order not to hurl it back up again. Was I in for the ride of my life?

 

The music had been quite pleasant for a while and I was feeling a big fat nothing but calm and tranquil when they changed the music probably about half an hour after the booster. Oh god it was aural torture. Literally, I felt like my ears had descended to hell. I ended up writhing around, I felt an intense feeling of “Leave me alone”, I wanted to cover my ears (not that, that helped much). I felt “Leave me alone” with an edge of fury and torture and up it came. I wanted to shout it repeatedly, but polite being my middle name, thought I’d best not disturb the others with my howling. Now as they had said that sometime you don’t get visions you get feelings; that the Ayahuasca goes through and makes you purge feelings that make you ill/hold you back I decided to go with it. I could imagine being my small self in my bedroom feeling “Leave me alone” – after all what else is a small child to do in the face of psychological abuse but wonder, what the hell? “LEAVE ME ALONE!”. Anyway I guess you could say I purged on that like a good’un.  It did make me think (with that noisy mind of mine) that I probably do walk around with a big emotional sign round my neck that says “LEAVE ME ALONE” and to be honest it was something I was thinking last week in relation on a number of occasion and especially in relation to my boss who has “discussions” with me on subjects he’s decided he’s right about and that I’m obviously not right about, and to be honest I think he deliberately antagonises me as he no longer has a girlfriend to antagonises at home on a daily basis! At those times I still fight for my opinion, but I guess I should know by now that getting agitated is a reaction and that is what Narcissists want. The only way to not get involved is probably just to nod and go hmmm and pretty much ignore him! Leave me alone, I don’t need your drama!

 

I also think that as I am wanting to find a soul mate/partner, that maybe purging a huge “LEAVE ME ALONE” from my body/energy field was rather beneficial. The Ayahuasca apparently does what you need right now, so I have to agree that that was pertinent. After that bloody awful music changed I was able to calm again. I did start giggling when I wondered if wearing a huge leave me alone sign was maybe another reason why my bunny runs away from me most of the time and I wondered if maybe she wouldn’t now? And then I felt a load of love for her but then I do that anyway! (Note – she still runs away! She probably has issues!).

 

In the midst of feeling calm I decided maybe my journey was feeling emotions, and to see how the music affected emotions and to accept that I probably wasn’t going to get visions and maybe I was here to ride out some unpleasant emotions instead. They then started playing some wierd chirping music that I could imagine these yellow wood sort of toy birds with round beaks (Like Red Nose day!) making this god awful racket that was really getting in my head; I was bent over ears plugged trying to get away from it. In a moment of maybe transformation, I connected with the thought that these were the abusive words of my parents, and instead of seeing two adults angry and abusive to me, I could see these ridiculous yellow and red wooden parrot things with this bizarre chirping noise instead, which made me laugh and think how stupid it was. I suppose if you can come to a realisation that their words were as daft and meaningless to my true self as those birds maybe it would help see it differently? Although God knows whether I’ll actually remember that going forward; my abusive mother is a wooden parrot that makes cartoon sound chirping popping noises???

 

I think at that point I relaxed again, and to be honest the music just sounded daft not annoying anymore, so I kept giggling at the ridiculousness of it all. During some of the vaguely irritating music I couldn’t help feeling like what the hell am I doing? Maybe I was being judgemental etc. But it was a bit like for god’s sake, how is sitting in a fog while these people torture me with music that I can’t escape, ever going to help me feel right about myself, and surely you don’t have to resort to this to feel good about yourself? All around me there was sounds of puking or groaning and such like, and you think what the hell is humanity going through that we have to put ourselves through this in attempt to heal ourselves?

Maybe it’s about letting go, not searching for the answers somewhere? I don’t know!

 

All during these many hours the music played; loudly, I might add. I couldn’t help wondering how one was supposed to journey within and learn something meaningful when the racket was so intense. I like silence and mostly it was just annoying. Intermittently I’d think if only I could just sleep now since there really isn’t much happening here. And I’d just be calming, maybe allowing myself to venture into the Ayahuasca and see what it had for me, when the female host would either waft some joss sticks around your face - I could feel the heat by my nose - or come round with her fog wafter, that sounded like she was shaking out a bag of dried leaves. I can’t meditate at the best of times, but that didn’t help.

 

A while after the birds, they played another dirge, that really was torture, I was plugging ears and bent over my sick bag, but I thought OK this may be releasing and working something, so let’s see what comes out. I kept thinking “I’ve had enough!” which is probably an appropriate response to the situation, but actually I can understand that is also an emotion locked in my body. I’ve been feeling it lately, wondering what the hell life is about and feeling I’ve had enough. It is a feeling that is probably frequent in my years. And I know my grandmother felt this as I’ve heard mentions that she fantasised about having her husband slit her throat with his cut-throat razor, so it may be a feeling that is coming down the line. Anyway I purged that massively and had a bout of crying. I suppose when you consider my life has been about Leave me Alone and I’ve Had Enough that would make you cry! How sad to be living under that spell!

 

Some while later, I can’t remember if it was to do with the music or not I had another bout of purging, it was quite late by then and I’m pretty sure I was coming to the end of “it”. I couldn’t really get a strong impression of what I was purging but “No home” sort of popped into my head. Again I suppose it’s true. I was denied my “home” by my mother and obviously at the moment that is a theme with being unsure if I’ll be forced from my present home, which is the one that really feels home! Anyway another bout of crying ensued. And after that I was pretty sure it had all worn off and I just wanted to go to sleep. Some hope, the music went on and on and on and on.

 

Someone hurled up massively, (whatever that was must have been a relief!), someone punched the wall and there were a few snifflings. Just when there was hope the music had stopped, they’d change the track, and off it went again. I had my ear plugs but thought it best not to put them in while they were still wafting the fog around and singeing your nose hairs with jos sticks. But it went on and on and on.

 

Eventually after hours when I was feeling tortured by sleep deprivation it finally stopped and then the snoring chorus became apparent! Oh deep joy. At which point my mind just felt like I’d eaten half a dozen sugar laden cakes and wouldn’t go to sleep anyway. When the host and his Mrs finally packed up and left for their beds, and took the fog wafters with them, I got out my ear plugs and finally slept about an hour or two, and then the bloody cockerel started his dawn chorus.

 

I awoke as it was getting light and just felt disappointed, uncomfortable, and unsettled really. It was not what I had expected. I guess when I went to Annie and Tony I had no expectations, yet had a mind-blowing experience which made me feel so much lighter. I had expected to have a mid-blowing experience with the Ayahuasca and didn’t get it. Maybe fear and control played a part, maybe I didn’t let go enough? Maybe I got what was pertinent at the time?

 

I spoke to one of the guys in the morning, and he said it was not a good night for him. He felt nothing had happened and he also said he’d felt uncomfortable and like he’d had a massive caffeine hit (like my sugar rush brain). He’d done it before in the same place and said he’d had an entirely different experience. He said the group energy affects the whole, so you can have different experiences, and he wondered if it was because there’d been more women before. I have read male energy can change the group experience so maybe that’s what that was. Certainly there were six men and four women, and some of the men were angry and to some degree I think hiding that, so I guess that could make a difference. I would have preferred less or no men, from what I have read about it. I also felt an underlying fear. As I suspect I am an empath as I easily get affected by energy in crowds or socialising, I was pondering the merits of exposing myself to that situation. Throw an empath in a room of strangers tripping and well maybe it was as well I didn’t go too deep! I also suspect my brand of empathy is feeling everyone else’s pain! I always react to other’s pain, but never their joys!

 

I pondered it during the day, but the overall feeling of discomfort, and given the excess of male energy (actually 8 males in the room all night) I decided that it was not best for me to do the second night. I may go back and do another one-nighter when I’ve had time to think about it! But it did not feel right for me to stay.

 

During the group “therapy” session I also felt that they were trying to pressure those who were not certain to stay (3 of us). And I don’t really think they should do that. The man who complained about the smoke (and I agreed) was likened to an aggravated teenager who runs away by going to his room to sleep, which to be honest was a little uncalled for. If you suffer migraines or headaches it is a valid point that you don’t want your experience ruined by being smoked! To have a migraine and no means of escape and certainly no possibility of pain-killers on Ayahuasca, would be a fate worse than death to all those who have suffered with it!

 

They said head issues related to father problems, which is interesting, but they should know not to make light of that then, and they seemed to be suggesting to the guy he was making a mountain out of a molehill ... maybe in the Universal scheme of things that is true but he also came there to be healed! Another man who said he’d had deeper and more profound meditations (who also said nothing happened and he was uncomfortable) was questioned on his attitude to his father because he had receding hair! (Head again you see!). It was as if they were trying to make themselves right, e.g. that you couldn’t disagree.

 

When it came to me describing my experiences, and that I wasn’t planning to stay, they again tried to pressure me into it, but telling me they were giving me my parent’s permission to find myself! And then because I cry at the drop of a hat at everyone’s pain, the host insisted on giving me a hug. Now it may come from a good place but I really do not like being hugged by strangers, it never makes me feel better, it just creeps me out! I only do it to placate them!! (The only exception to this is I’d probably hug Michael Shanks willingly!)

 

All in all I think I was disappointed, the environment did not feel right to me. I think unsettled was the prime feeling. I am glad that I have cleared two big emotions that indeed may have been having negative effects on my life. I am glad that I have tried Ayahuasca, that I did take a huge leap of faith and go out of my comfort zone to try it, but if I do it again, it will be in a different situation. I had hoped to have an enlightening and maybe euphoric sensation to make me feel life was worth living but I didn’t get that. I was afraid of what darkness may lurk, but so it seems was everyone else, even if they have done it several times! I felt that if I stayed it could get very dark in that energy and to be honest might have involved a lot of screaming and anger, and I guess I’m not ready for that and not in those circumstances. I didn’t feel it was the environment where that could be unleashed if that is a possibility!

 

Given what one of the meditators said about meditation, maybe I need to try that in order to quiet my “noisy mind”! It is after all my noisy mind that causes me problems these days!!

 

All in all I’m glad to be home.

 

 

Well whad’ya know!-

 

This morning I woke up, having had a peaceful and uneventful night sleep and looked at Facebook and found there the thing that is exciting and inspiring and has done more to boost my mood than anything of late. It has fired me up to do a happy dance in glee (that I haven’t felt in a while) and even made me realise I need to work on “Bryce” to try and get it finished. So what has succeeded to bring me out of my gloom and give me something to look forward to, inspired me to get writing again and put excitement and eagerness back in my being and something to be happy about?

Michael Shanks is coming to Birmingham in June to a convention! Yes, lovely Mr Shanks (Stargate SG-1) has succeeded where the Aya failed! Whoopppeeee! I am so excited I’m doing my happy dance!

 

This means I can go to England just after my birthday as planned and have this as my birthday present. I can combine it with a trip I was already planning and  not only that it means if I go to Canada (as was my hope) soon(ish) I won’t necessarily have to combine it with a Convention (which could put too much expectation on it and look what happens!). Oh my god I am so looking forward to it. And I will feel at home with my tribe of sci-fi geeks. Apparently Amanda Tapping is also going so that would be pretty cool too. I love Carter, she drives a Volvo (and in real life she did too apparently!) My kind of girl! So from feeling bleak wondering what on earth I have to look forward to in life, I get this. YES yes yes!

 

I know I shouldn’t get too excited. Or put conditions on it in my mind, just go with the flow and enjoy. I have been wanting to do a convention for a couple of years, since I realised such things were possible, and Mr Shanks hasn’t been to UK for a few years, so I was wondering if he would. It’s 20 years since Stargate began, so would he continue doing conventions? Thankfully this has appeared, and I am so pleased. I’m not normally one for getting excited about TV or actors, but Stargate just appeals to my geeky/spiritual/far-out brand of weirdness, and Mr Shanks plays such fabulous characters (OK and some scary psychos too) that he has inspired me so much that I can’t help but want to meet him. I hope I’m not disappointed! The character of Bryce was partially inspired by the good guys that he is so expert at playing, and all his good guy characters have given me so much hope that maybe there’s one for me somewhere too!

I think I’ll treat myself to staying in a hotel for a change – one with an ensuite I think!


MP ;-)

Fiesta, Ayahuasca, Narcs, and Uncertainty

Today is Spanish Christmas! After today the festivities will finally be over (it does go on a bit!!). The gorgeous Christmas market in the port will pack up and the hive of activity will return to near zero and a couple of months of bleakness will ensue with barely any one about. I am not fond of this time of year; I have had more years depressed at this time than not, probably. However at least spring is on the horizon edging closer and that is my favourite time here; the weather then is about perfect and the place looks fabulous and green with wild flowers everywhere.

Anyway, I have made a big decision: I have the opportunity to go to an Ayahuasca retreat and now the calling must have reached optimum levels as I have decided to do it and paid the deposit. They say it calls you when you are ready. I heard about it about five or six years ago and although intrigued knew it was not for me yet. Since then I met a friend who had done it and said it changed her life. At the time I was still not ready, but more inclined to believe it would happen one day. Now it is next week end! I am nervous, afraid even; I know you can go through a rough time before the good happens and knowing my fears and darkness it could be unpleasant, however thousands of others have done this and come from worse than me. I am afraid of the puking; I hate being sick. It’s quite possible I’ll do a whole load of crying! But the consensus is that this stuff changes your life, and I need some of that! It can heal trauma and despite what I have done with the Living Lens I still feel the need of deep healing. I still have ANGER at my upbringing! I have ANGER at Narcissists and having had to know so damned many of them in my life (I swear either the statistics are wrong or I have met more than my fair share). I still have confidence issues and pain. I still have depression because of my upbringing. I am still struggling. And sometimes when it takes hold of me it takes over. I know I have made a tremendous difference with positive thinking and Law of Attraction but there are days or months when that can fall by the wayside and I get consumed with past negativity and emotions. It would be nice if that could be healed. By all accounts Ayahuacsa can do that, so I am hoping.

It would be nice to be able to put it in perspective and leave it behind and I am praying that is possible.

Interestingly DMT is a native substance to the human body (all living things I believe) and apparently master meditators can achieve similar effects without Ayahuasca. The pineal gland can flood the brain with DMT, however in the modern world where fluoride is forced on us and sugar marketed like no tomorrow, it’s no wonder it is blocked in most individuals. Is that a conspiracy I wonder? Sugar prevents production somehow in the brain incidentally. In this world of fluoride-doped, aspartame-poisoned and sugar-enslaved humans no wonder “drugs” that break through that are also generally banned – god forbid we see another realm and heal ourselves and bring about inner peace! That’s just not lucrative is it?

I have been steadily detoxing the Christmas crap this week. Cut out the sugar again (it had started to get me in its grip again), no alcohol – which is not a problem for me, no coffee! Next week I’ll be stricter and no tea either! My diet has been yoghurt, eggs, bananas, turkey and vegetables, with nuts as snack. I had less headaches last week too (even though I was working on the tax quarter at work!); I am hoping that will continue as one also has to cut out drugs of which I have no doubt paracetamol and codeine is one, and is the only way through when I get one of my thumping headaches!

Anyway I shall report with news afterwards and fingers crossed it will be what I need!

I am still wholly unsettled by my housing situation. I am waiting to find out if I’ll be moving at end of March. Or maybe during August which is what would be legal! Not knowing is annoying. I love where I am and the thought of leaving is enough to have me in floods of tears. The thought of someone making this new is also irritating – it’s what I have dreamt of for so long. I know exactly how I’d have the place – it would be lovely and fresh and modern and befitting of what I know is my worth these days. I don’t have to settle for less than because I don’t think I am worthy! My boss, who while an atheist is oddly fatalist, said well if it doesn’t happen it’s because of something better you don’t know about yet! Which has apparently always been true for him, and me as it happens so far! Unfortunately I can’t help fearing “worst”. To go back to my own flat would be worse and a tremendous step backwards and also back in the dragons den! Yes I daresay in order to make the best of a bad situation I would set to work decorating etc but it’s not ideal. And also miles away from my life! 

And any daughter of a Narcissist mother who has gone “no contact” would know very well just how awful the thought of being in the same location as N mother (however intermittently) is. I do not want to see her. I do not want to be near her. I do not want the risk of coming face to face with her miserable face or know that she knows exactly where I am should she decide to start harassing me!(a few steps across a garden is little enough that she could!) It’s bad enough she used text or email. Where I am now, she probably doesn’t know my location and as it’s a bus ride away at the very least it’s highly unlikely I’d ever bump into her during her holidays! (Getting on a bus is not something she’d do to find me – far too much effort!).

My boss (who hasn’t got a bloody clue) said she has to be faced; as if somehow facing her down in the garden one day is going to make the slightest bit of difference after more than 3 decades of abuse. Yes, I have no doubt if you have a barny with an ex-employee or some brief client, such as action is possible, but not with a Narcissist and certainly not with a Narcissistic mother who has conditioned and abused you. Why is that so hard to understand? 

I DO NOT WANT TO SET EYES ON THE WOMAN! That is acceptance of the vile situation, not “running away from fears”! If you’ve done ten rounds with a tiger, you don’t face up to it in the middle of a garden and think you’ve won or “beaten your fears”, the tiger will not think twice to try and eat you alive and neither will a Narcissist, and quite frankly what sane person would put themselves in that position (enlightenment or not!)!  Then again why I am ranting about this? My boss is an idiot and very likely N himself given the shit he comes out with! And he never faces anyone, runs away like a coward and gets me to deal with people! Anyway enough of that!

I just read an article on theearthchild.co.za about how you can get PTSD from being in an abusive relationship and I certainly believe that is true. The article actually was written by a woman in an abusive marriage and it describes perfectly how it all slowly drip, drip, drip escalates until you are totally dependent on your abuser. It’s exactly what happens. And of course with abusive parents you are conditioned into from the start and know nothing else! It is very scary when you have been through parental abuse and a demeaning relationship to trust it won’t happen again. 

I actually don’t know what I’d do if it did happen to me again. I know the red flags etc, and I know the behaviour but I also know it is entirely different when you are in there and wondering whether you are right or crazy or if it’s you why they behave that way. If I met “the man of my dreams” who was yet another N, I really have no idea what would happen. If I got out intact I doubt very much whether I’d ever risk another relationship ever again! Even the mere thought of meeting another one is enough to make me avoid men completely, especially given the ratio of narcissists and users that I have been unfortunate enough to meet over the years in various contexts! Both parents, virtually all my bosses, several co-workers or spouses of, two boyfriends, and various people in near neighbourhood in every place I’ve lived! (Sighs – bloody hell!)

I guess in all this I have to have faith that things will work out for the best - though when I am depressed that is not easy.

I have taken a day off next week to give me space to integrate my retreat, so we’ll see what that brings. I pray it is a very positive experience. It is the last ditch attempt to try and heal me. I don't think there is anything else that will!

 

MP ;-)

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve –

 

So here we are on Christmas Eve; tomorrow I will join my friends for Christmas Day, and we are each bringing a dish to lighten the load (although we’ll probably all be heavier when we leave!) It is great to have Christmas round a big table and it is heartening to have happy big Christmases these days. I am lucky to have a great friend who specialises in making those who cannot see their families welcome. Indeed the last two Christmases have probably been the best of my life! There will be 8 of us this year. My host is doing the turkey and veg, a Swedish/South African couple are doing the spuds/parsnips, A Cuban is doing a rice pudding, we have a Christmas pudding from Windsor Castle and I’ll be making organic Yorkshire Puddings. It is a far cry since my first Christmas after the break-up of my relationship three years ago, where I had southern fried chicken strips and chips on my own – didn’t even have my bunny then!

My bunny has some pumpkin drops as treats; hopefully she’ll like them! I try not to buy junk treats for her; I used to give my bunnies yoghurt drops and things like that, but they aren’t good. She likes carob but sadly I couldn’t get her that this year.

It’s funny but I do not feel any loss about my no family Christmas. I have no doubt there are those who have been through the same as me, who are still feeling the loss of the dream of family. The reality isn’t worth missing. I suppose when you watch TV you see all these “happy family” themes of big family Christmases and it is easy to feel left out – however if you remember what you actually had, it’s really not worth missing! Also all those fake happy Christmas ads are fantasy; the reality of most big family Christmases is that there’ll be several arguments, someone will get drunk and the rest will be cringing and walking on eggshells to keep the veneer of peace. If you have a Narcissist in the family may god help you! It’ll never be Christmas fantasy land!

I just did my Tarot, cringing wondering what 2017 will hold and it ended with the Empress which is a good card. There was a lot of leaving behind old emotion, limitations, feeling more secure and creativity was featured. Especially a long term goal towards creative success! I can live with that. I started writing in 2010, the first few chapters of what became The Key. I know I won’t be an overnight success, I may not have written that “successful novel” yet. But I have time yet. I could become an overnight success 3,4,5 years hence. I still have “Bryce” to write and finish; for the first time in ages I could start visualising aspects of the story yesterday even though I am too unsettled to write at the moment. Once I have done that I may not continue with my other Mallorcan stories; a trilogy may be enough on that theme – we’ll see. I actually want to write something sci-fi or fantasy. I have a fascination for time-travel, alternate realities, dimensions, aliens, angels etc. I feel I’d like to try something out on those lines! A friend of mine thinks I should write erotica – apparently that’s the only thing that will sell (he says!)! While I have a few short stories written under another name, that is not really my plan for success; although it would be hilariously funny if I became the next E L James as that would make my mother expire quicker than anything else!!

I am currently in a fairly numb mood it has to be said. The horror of the likelihood of being forced from my home is certainly not bringing me any joy! This is the first place I have felt really secure and “happy”. It is where I want to be, and the place itself I know very well. It is the home equivalent of a soul mate! I cannot imagine better. I mean possibly the building next door is better; they have a pool and a tennis court we don’t. The apartment may be a slightly better build quality and they have garages.

Maybe I am being totally stubborn but I cannot see better in the locality or even equal. The neighbours above and below have their irritations – hard shoes at 5.30am being one of them (although I tend to go back to sleep!) and also the 11.45pm argument when he returns and she starts having a go! (She looks like Scrooge, the Grinch and Voldemort all rolled into one and is probably a Narcissist!). Nevertheless it is relatively peaceful. If I ended up in some unknown place with Spanish shitty pop music playing (the beat is enough to drive a person demented) I’m not sure what would happen – creativity would go out of the window and probably my sanity with it!

My own flat was a mistake. I never should have bought it, I wanted to live in a different town but I was in mother’s pocket at the time and so I chose the path of least resistance knowing that I’d be leaving her place at gone midnight when she was around and “expecting” my presence and the thought of driving 10 mins to get home was enough to make me buy a place where she was because then I’d only have to crawl across the garden when I’d been vampired of all energy by her! (It is amazing to me that I survived life in her presence as I was always tired and drained by her. Every Friday I’d be asleep as 6pm for several hours, and since she has been gone from my life I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I have been unable to make it through the day without a nap! All because she’s not draining me!). Being in the same complex of her would be a nightmare, then add in the fact it is really cold; my bedroom could be 8 degrees in winter, with a floor that would keep butter chilled! Plus it’s old and I had mice and cockroaches visiting! It’s really not nice to have to check your bed and pillows for cockroaches!

 

 MP

December Update -


I’ve been feeling the effects of a winter depression lately ... probably for about 6 weeks, and I haven’t been liking my own company too much of late. Now added to which it appears to be dump on Mariella week!

First I had an ultimatum from my landlord e.g. buy or leave which leaves me with a very bad taste in my mouth. And then when I was mulling over my way forward and my lack of options, I got a hoovering email from my mother allegedly worried about my breast health! Of course she’s not worried about me; however it is no doubt the usual Narcissist hoovering attempt at “looking oh so concerned” as a way of trying to lure me back into the old shit pile! (while scaring me shitless with cancer worries!). In fact it is textbook Narcissistic hoovering! She probably found the text in a how to Hoover manual for Narcissists!

She certainly wouldn’t be worried about my mental health or the fact I am coming to terms with the fact I have some sort of post traumatic stress disorder because of her. I mean I doubt she’d be concerned that the thought of returning to my old flat (mere yards from her holiday home) is already giving me physical symptoms and that move if it happens is not until the end of March. The mere thought of being anywhere near where I might even just see her across a street or something, is enough to have me in huge anxiety!

Back when this all started I researched and researched and understood entirely what she was. My intellect can understand the situation entirely and know I am so much better off without her. I am sane without her for starters (well as much as I’m ever likely to be ;-) ). 

I had to see her circa 20 months after all this started, and I thought I had it sorted, that I knew the situation well enough that she couldn’t bother me. How wrong I was – the mind may know but the body still reacts in terror! No matter how hard you try to think it through the body just has a melt down! I was shaking like a leaf and shocked as hell that that could happen. Luckily I managed to hide it from her by being an automaton in front of her until I could get out again. But even now after more years have passed I doubt whether the physical reaction would feel any different. For this reason the anxiety about moving back to my place is unbearable. I have not lived there for many years and I have zero desire to go back there because of its proximity to her. 

The sad thing is that the place I have been living in for the last few years is the first place I have actually felt safe and at home. I have been through some rough times here, getting over a relationship break-up etc and probably dealing with a whole load of grief that that triggered – I have cried buckets in this place, but never once did I ever feel less than safe or at home.

Every time I think about losing it I burst into tears (here we go again!). I feel utter dread. I know I can’t go back to the old place! I can’t be anywhere near her. I think here is the first time I have been on my own and safe from Narcissists; it is my sanctuary. The first real place I have felt safe. And now it’s being taken from me. There’s no way I can afford to buy it. If I sold my place I may not get back my deposit due to the awful performance of Spanish property!

Right now I just don’t know what I am going to do. There are legal challenges I need to make towards my mother and her illegal activities, but I am terrified of that hornet’s nest. It will have to be tackled in 2017 but right now I am paralysed with fear about it. I know there is not much else she can do to me – she already did it, but nevertheless the fear is real.

I will be glad to see the back of this year, but right now 2017 is looking like it could be worse! 


MP (no wink this time!)

Launching A Brighter Life Today!!!

I woke up this morning and it is a dull old rainy grey day and I have a few hours before I go out and visit a cute little disabled bunny and her furry friends so I just decided to launch A Brighter Life today! I had planned to leave it closer to Christmas, or December but it's ready so why sit on it.

I have had a bit of trouble with the cover and am working on way to get the resolution up. How do you convert Word or PDF to JPG effectively? I've tried a few old tricks but so far it's not too good. I may have to wait to take a great still of the real cover of one I have printed, in order to get the best quality.

I have printed a couple just for the sake of putting them in my book shelf; it costs too much in postage to actually make printing them a viable option for me at the moment.

Anyway "A Brighter Life - How To Make The Law of Attraction Work For You", is out now at the paltry price of $2.99! It's an easy read and a simplified way to get the Law of Attraction working for you! I can read it in one sitting although I am a fairly fast reader! It is the sum total of what I have learnt about the Law of Attraction in the last ten years or so, and put into simple/practical terms so it is easy to understand, so you make the changes needed to start creating a better life.

To A Brighter Life!

MP ;-)

Winter and Writer's Block

I really don't like winter! The clocks have gone back and its dark at 7pm but on the plus side the weather is still good in Mallorca!

I haven't been writing much for the past week or so; I seem to have a bit of writer's block! This lack of flow of words has not happened in a while so it is quite strange to feel stumped when writing. I have no doubt it will resolve itself when it feels like it and I will continue with my projects. Perhaps it is a warning to rest?

I will continue when I feel the urge!

MP ;-)


Open Letter To My Mother -

Dear mother,

I know (hope) you will never actually read this but nevertheless I wish to get this off my chest in the only way I can!

Firstly when you Friend Request me on Facebook or send a text message of three words, “Are you OK”, it points to one thing and one thing alone in my mind — that you have disregarded completely the last 7yrs +, and the reason for our estrangement.

You chose this; I complied with it.

I may be wrong, but I do not feel that someone who disowns their daughter for going to the first adult party they were invited to and then disinherits her, suddenly gets to choose by means of a friend request or text message to have life carry on as it was — in fact, I view the friend request and text message as highly inappropriate, if not totally disrespectful of me and the situation you instigated.

It speaks volumes of your intention though — sidle up, “tap me on the shoulder” pretend nothing has happened and then expect what? A rapturous welcome and a return to the old ways, as if nothing happened?

That you have made no attempt by letter or conversation to APOLOGISE really points out loud and clear just how you view this situation.

But nevertheless it is to be entirely expected given my research on the subject.

Anyway that is all but a side issue in this case because even an apology would not change the situation because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will not be accepted.

I never was accepted as me — I was regarded as an extension of you, and any deviation from that was met with a torrent of abuse! I had to be what you expected or be disinherited as a consequence.

I used to be so fearful that it would be the end of my world, that I stifled myself and complied, and what did I get for that? Years of suicidal depression because of the disconnect within myself.  Something else you were happy to condemn when the mood took you. “Should be locked away in an asylum” wasn’t it?

I know there can be no joyous reunion, because that reunion would equal stifling myself and bringing myself down once again. And as “selfish” as that may be, I refuse to do it. I will not bring myself down in order to fit the box someone else has created for me. I do not and will never fit the box you tried to put me in. I am not nor ever was an extension of you or like you. I do not think like you, I never did and I never will. For too many years I stifled me, the truth, to fit into something that I was always the wrong fit for. In doing that I gave away years of my life. I was told I was X Y Z. I never was, but I believed it! I believed the limitations you put on me for your own ends!

And I am not the person I was when you disowned me on 2 Jan 2009. Indeed I can see that even then I was changing (which was making it uncomfortable for you), I was pulling out of your mindset, I was becoming aware that you make your own life with your thoughts/actions and beliefs.

The sad thing is, your life could be very different, I even tried to help and inspire you with some of the books I had read that were changing my world. I remember one of the books being handed back with the usual morose look, “I’m not going to be preached too”.

I was changing and I guess you refused to accept that. On New Year’s Eve I chose me. I chose to do what I wanted to do, and ignore the guilt-trip and the chorus of “What about me’s” coming from you. I had spent three decades worth of New Year’s Eve’s with you and I think it was every bit my right to choose to do something I wanted to do.

The irony is that had you actually been understanding, things could have been very different. If, instead of throwing a hissy fit with the chorus of “what about me’s”, you had instead in an adult fashion, calmly talked about your discomfort or sadness about NYE, things would have been very different. You see I had a back-up plan.

I knew, that there was a chance you’d blow your top as per usual, but I had a back-up plan waiting if by chance you didn’t. Had you calmly shared your fears, I would have given up doing what I wanted to do, and taken you to plan B. Yes, you see there was another party I’d been invited to. But I had to know without any prompting, your true reaction to the situation. You blew your top (as suspected) so I did what I wanted and kept plan B to myself. And the rest is history.

In many ways I am glad of that. I have found me as a result, and that is worth my “inheritance” and more!

I used to fear that. Fear what it would mean to lose “my mother”, lose my roots, lose what you’d so often told would be coming to me. (Of course that was about control!).

Actually it means freedom.

When you disowned and disinherited me, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, however shocking that was at the time. I went through shock for probably a year. But then I started reading and then I knew it was a blessing in disguise. It was not as if I had been rejected by a normal mother as I’d never had one of those!

I have changed in the intervening years to beyond your recognition, and it is for that reason there is no going back. I know you would not accept the new me, when you could barely accept the old me!

Our beliefs are at odds with each other and never the twain shall meet. And quite frankly your tools for threatening me into compliance have vanished, so it would be a wholly uncomfortable experience for you these days to be in my in-compliant presence.

I have come to know that I am not selfish, anti-social, pathetic, lazy, self-obsessed, parasite, ungrateful, unlovable, over-sensitive, ugly, mad, ruled by the moon, like my father, or any of the things you (or my father) would shout at me.

In fact, more to the point, I know these are your projections, your issues! I do not have to believe a single word of projection out of your mouth ever again. It has taken more than three decades to realise it was never about me. It has taken torment and self-loathing and near suicide to realise it never was me, never could be me – you and he were talking about yourselves!

I have found me and I know you wouldn’t like me, so I’ll spare you the ordeal of having to disown me all over again.

I’ll also spare you the ordeal of me calling you on your bullshit.

I’ll spare you the horror of seeing me in high heels and sexy clothes and feeling confident in myself, enjoying myself, taking care of myself.

I’ll spare you the ordeal of realising we have nothing in common and never really did.

I’ll spare you the ordeal of seeing someone who knows their own worth, loves themselves and won’t reduce themselves to fit someone else’s view of life.

I’ll spare you the ordeal of realising I have written two books based on my experiences in life that would not have happened if you’d not disowned me.

I’ll spare you the ordeal of witnessing that it is my mission to educate and bring to awareness to others that they can live a great life after having been affected by similar circumstances.

I’ll spare you the ordeal of ever knowing the true (magnificent) me.

The thing is you chose this path. I complied with it – I didn’t have any choice in the matter. But this led me via ups and downs to where I am now, and from here, there is no going back. I know you of old and any single one of the things I have changed out of the multitude, would be too much for you to cope with.

Our relationship is best left in the past where it belongs.

May you continue on your path as happily as you can, but know it is nowhere near where my path now lays.

I thank you for the insights that all this has brought me, because without all this, I really would never have found my true depth and strengths, but the past is the past.

Leave it be.

MP

I have an obsessive compulsion! -

For many years I have had a really bad habit of chewing the inside of my mouth! My mother used to point out that I looked like one of the odd mobile phone ads (where the guys mouth was flipped round the side of his face) from always trying to grab a bit of juicy cheek between my teeth!
I can't remember now when this started. It might've been after I stopped biting my nails (and sucking my thumb)! It was before 2000 for sure, but quite how far back I now can't remember.

It's bothered me a while since it sometimes gives me headaches/neck aches, and it probably makes me look stressed/anxious. A quick google check relates it to stress and anxiety which is probably how it started but now it's just habit and a rough mouth from chewing! Or an obsessive compulsion!!

I don't think there'll be away to stop it via the Living Lens since I don't think it's emotional now. So that just means trying to stop! It's funny it's seems more difficult to contemplate than when I stopped nail biting, sucking my thumb and stopped sugar!  (I'm gnawing as I write this! Eyeroll sigh!)

I read that if you stop for three weeks your mouth heals smooth and you don't feel compelled to chew it smooth again!

It's probably not doing my teeth any good grinding them nearly all day to get a grip on my left cheek!

I'm just gonna finish chewing this bit and see if I can stop it!

MP ;-)

 

So, next day! What happened?

Well I stopped for all of six hours, then had a gnawing session in the evening near midnight! My neck feels tight as a result this morning.

Anyway I was reading Lisa Whelchel’s blog about her Camino de Santiago adventures this morning (www.contigolifecoach.com) and she had a session in a spa and had a massage and the therapist said he knew she grinds her teeth. And said to her you have to "bite during the day, to stop biting at night" (He was Spanish speaking English), and that sometimes the animal has to come first.

Well anyway it got me thinking about biting. Hell, I am biting myself! But in the context of when it started, e.g. back in the dark, endless days at home with mother, actually it starts to make sense. There were a lot of biting words and comments being thrown at me, and to be fair, quite a lot of biting remarks I could have been throwing back as a result that I stifled. Am I biting back my words, am I biting myself because of biting words? Although I think it is now largely a habit, because the damage has caused my mouth to feel rough and so I bite it to smooth it now (often after eating), but nevertheless there are still plenty of occasions where I am biting back words that could be said – whether it would be beneficial to say those words ever is conjecture, in many instances I suspect not; but nevertheless there are things I still “bite back” for the sake of harmony. I still don’t speak up for myself.

I decided to check biting words, biting comments, biting back words, and biting myself, and all came up weak, so I cleared them with the Living Lens. Who knows maybe now I will be able to stop the incessant gnawing of myself! I managed to stop for three years when I had braces on my teeth because it was physically impossible to try and wedge my cheek between my teeth with braces on, but I started again within a week of them coming off (but I was, yes, “back there” then still!).

Certainly my neck and shoulder muscles will thank me for it if I can stop.

It is funny how I was seeking the answer to this query yesterday and reading a blog this morning brought a sudden new insight. Actually the most obvious one. It is not necessarily mere “stress” or “anxiety” but something far more specific  the body and emotions generally seem to be so much more obvious, if not literal in some cases! Of course I didn’t associate with "biting" as I was thinking chewing. Although gnawing is a good one – who was gnawing at me? Hmm, yes, I wonder! Oh and another sudden flash of thought hit me between the eyes - I chew my left cheek, and left side of the body is mother related! (Read Louise L Hay - Heal Your Body or Heal Your Life for more info on that!).

Hopefully I have now found the answer to a fifteen plus year old problem! I know it is certainly no longer appropriate for me to “appear” stressed or anxious, because I am generally neither! I wonder what impression that gave when I was captaining a boat and looking like I was about to chew myself to death with "anxiety"?! It might not have inspired confidence; when I was just actually having a good meal! LOL!

MP ;-)

New book - A Brighter Life

Yes another new book!

I have five projects on the go at the moment! As stated before this may seen a little chaotic but it is great because I always have something that I can write, so if one isn't flowing, there is something else that might be.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, I am making slow progress on Bryce, I have The Love Business currently on the back-burner with "Project Kynthia" and I have almost written a self-help book about using the Law of Attraction. I also have an idea for a short children's book that requires me to practice my diabolical drawing skills - I hope to get this finished before my 2yr old friend reaches her teens! LOL!

However I am confident that A Brighter Life - How To Make The Law of Attraction Work For You, will be finished by the end of the month as it is close now (flowing very well) and I need to keep it back a little while to make sure I have all I want in it. It is based on realisations and experiences I have had with the Law of Attraction over a couple of decades.

Onwards and upwards!

MP ;-)

Spelt Rolls and Thins -

Spelt rolls/thins

4 cups of spelt flour (I use mix of white and whole meal)

1 cup of warm water

1 sachet of dried yeast

1/4 cup of sugar

1/3 cup of oil

1 egg (plus one for brushing)

1tsp salt


Set oven to 220 degrees C


Directions:

In a jug mix warm water, sugar and yeast. Leave a few minutes then add oil.

In a bowl mix flour, salt and mix in beaten egg.

Combine wet ingredients with dry (if dough too dry add a little water or if wet add a little flour.

Knead for 3 minutes and form into rolls.

For thins take a handful and form into rough ball then using rolling pin roll until  just about 1 cm thick (for uniformity then cut with large round or square cutter (the size you want thin to be) then prick with fork for authentic look. Combine offcuts and roll out.

Transfer to baking sheets topped with baking paper.

Cook in oven for 10-12 minutes for rolls and 10-11 mins for thins or until golden brown.

Thins can be slit with a sharp knife. They also freeze well in zip-lock bags and can be microwaved to defrost (Circa 30-40 seconds depending on size).

Fiestas, Narcs and Random Text Messages -

So first off, today is a fiesta! Whooppee-doo!

The downside to this is that the miserable screechy cow that lives downstairs is also home, screeching at her husband and causing the grandson to cry! Oh deep joy.

One day I would love to live in a house where I can’t hear other people’s negativity. The woman has Narcissist written all over her miserable face – the husband is obviously an enabler (A very hen-pecked one – poor sod arrives home every night at 11.45 after whatever shift he has done and gets met with screeching and abuse). The son is there like a couple of times a year and all of a sudden around Easter a daughter appeared with grandson in tow. She has a look of defeat and of being downtrodden in the way of a daughter of a Narc mother who’s probably had a toxic relationship thrown in too!

Thank god I live in an oasis of peace one floor up and have very good ear plugs!

I was enjoying my luscious lie-in this morning, getting creative with my Law of Attraction visualisations and I was snuggled into my cosy bed at just after nine, loving the fact I’d turned off the alarm and didn’t have to drag myself up, when I got a text message. Obviously I thought this was text pest boss asking some ridiculous question as usual e.g. something along the lines of “where are the swingers clubs listed in Mallorca?” or “Where can I buy a feather duster and a whip at short notice” or “Have you seen my washing up brush?” (The mind boggles!). You know how it is?

Anyway I was stunned to see a text from my mother (and maybe more stunned to realise I’d left the woman’s phone number in my contacts list!). 

So after 7yrs 10months and 10 days? (I added that up solely for the purposes of this blog — I don’t keep a tally!) what did she have to say?

“Are you OK?”

What? So This is like I'm some teengaer who hasn't called home for a bit, is it? Since when were you ever bothered if I was "OK". In fact I distinctly recall that it was your mission to make me as un-OK as humanly possible for oh how many years??? Well too many to name here!

I was half way tempted to write “Feeling bloody marvellous, life couldn’t be better!” The other temptation was to write an answer in Spanish as if I was some young Spaniard who’d picked up some guy in Magaluf at the weekend and after a few nights of passion had dropped him ... but actually her Spanish is so bad she’d probably not understand that, or that phone numbers can be recycled when they fall out of use.

So all in all a no reply is the way to go.

But seriously? This woman walked out of my life on 2nd of January 2009 because I chose to go to my first adult New Years Eve party with my first boyfriend  (whom I’d known circa 6 months at the time). When I told her I was going to said party, she threw a petulant hissy fit full of “what about me’s” as in the classic Narc way! Never mind this was the first time I’d been invited to an adult dinner party and had spent every single NYE with her at home in the years prior (again to many to name!). She even had a nice time at the age appropriate event she went to. But no that wasn’t good enough for her, so I was told I was no longer her daughter, that I’d failed the “test” and was disowned (also done is such a way as to try and create a rift with other members of the family — it didn’t work!)

Fast forward to this year and on Valentine’s day I got a “friend request” on Facebook from her (I blocked her) and today I get a text message “Are you OK?”. Both these events show just how she views the last few years and our relationship. There is no sorry, no explanation, no grovelling letter! You see. she has done nothing wrong. She can blank people for years and then suddenly when she feels like it, try to draw them back into the web. Except that I am not falling for it.

Were I to answer the friend request or this message that would equal life going back to the way it was as if nothing happened. There would probably a few veiled digs along the way about how it was my fault. No responsibility would be taken for her actions. And absolutely no changes would be made going forward. Where she left off on New Year’s Eve 2008 would be exactly where she would try and take up now! If I give her an inch she will think she can do exactly as she pleases. 

So, there is no going back. I warned her the day she dumped me that she’d better be sure. At the time I feared she or I could have an accident before she realised what she’d done in her petulant hissy-fit, but actually my words were oddly prophetic, because in the interim, I found me and I found out what she was, and there is definitely no way back now, after that.

You see I have found me and I am the happiest I have ever been. Yes, I have my ups and downs like everybody. I still have crashing depressions at times, coming to terms with the past and how it sometimes still affects me. But I have no Narc woman manipulating me and kicking me when I am down! I have no need to walk on eggshells around anyone or have to endure the repetitive toxic nature of her presence. (As I’ve said before it was like living with The Wraith or The Dementors, feeling the life being sucked out of you!).

This woman will have no idea of what I have been through or what I have done with my life, this woman will assume I am the exact same person that she dropped like a hot potato that day (because obviously I am an extension of her and she never changes, never learns, never accepts responsibility for her actions etc). I am not the person I was that January day, and I am not the person I was when I walked in to see Tony Mills and be de-programmed (for want of  a better description) from a lifetime of toxic nonsense, nearly three years ago. If she knew this me, she'd hate this me; she'd want to destroy it. She'd want to bring it down and make it like her again - because that is what Narcs do. If she knew anything about who I am now, I'd be dumped quicker than she dumped me the first time!

This woman who asks me if I am OK, was the woman who one morning in 1999 stood watching me with disgust on her face when I was on my knees on the floor in the hallway begging for help because I was suicidal with depression and I couldn’t go on. She told me I should be locked up in a lunatic asylum (yes, she is that old-fashioned!), and that she wished I’d never been born, and then taking my dog (my only comfort) and walked out of the door. This is a scene I used in The Key, and thankfully the part about hearing a voice telling me to go to the doctor was true, and that was why my mother did not return to a body that day.

And all of the above is why I will never let that woman near me ever again, and why quite frankly I will never go to her funeral either. And also why I write; so that others who may be in that place will know that you can come through it, you can be happy, you can grow to love yourself, and your life can be more than you can possibly imagine!

Am I OK? Oh yeah, you’re damn right I’m OK - now

Now where are those party poppers - it's fiesta! 

Mallorca, Day Trips and The Night Manager

It's funny when you live in Mallorca as somehow you end up never seeing it or travelling.
It is an often heard thing here that people think travelling for half an hour is akin to going to the other side of the world! I used to have to "commute" to Pollenca once a week for a spell and OMG that 45 mins of driving was torture - it's so damn far!! Lol! I couldn't get home fast enough!

I live in the southwest, ten mins from Palma, yet to travel to Andratx circa 20-30 mins away is something I barely do once a year! And it's a really beautiful place! But it's so far!!

I have yet to see many places despite having lived here 9 yrs. In spring and autumn I tend to get more motivation to do Sunday afternoon trips to different places but even then it takes planning to do. I usually go to Valldemossa and Cala de Deia once a year, and Andratx and Camp de Mar about the same! I haven't yet been to Es Trenc by road so that's on my list for autumn probably with a jaunt to Cala Pi on the way, since I haven't been there for at least 5 years!!
It would be nice to see Sant Elm again as I haven't been there for years and I really should see Arenal (maybe I'll do that by bike in the winter on a pleasant day!)
I've been to Porto Cristo once. Never been by road to the north east corner or Can Picafort and there are many inland places I have never been to.
I was looking at the map the other day and wondered how long it would take to walk around the island – that could be an interesting trip!

When you have visitors from overseas you feel slightly more inclined to go out and see the place although even then I tend to go to my favourite places and share those!

Before I came here I read Peter Kerr's books (I thoroughly recommend them, they are laugh out loud funny!) and he and his family travelled about to some delightful places which I still haven't seen! A trip to Algaida and the Cal Dimoni restaurant is one that should be on the cards having been inspired by his writing, but I have yet to do it! I think I passed it on the way back from collecting my bunny in Manacor - it was nearly an hour to fetch her but she's worth it! Lol!

On the subject of Mallorca I have been recently re-watching The Night Manager - the BBC series based on a John Le Carre novel. It was filmed largely in Mallorca (and Morocco).

Now I don't watch much TV but that had me hooked. I became aware of it last year when some friends were involved in turning 3 white Spanish hire cars into Yellow Istanbul taxis (Shout out to Wrap Spain!).

Well anything filmed here piques my interest so I made a note to watch (and look out for the taxis which actually have blink and you'll miss it background parts). Anyway I thought it was fabulous and well worth switching on my Sky box for (another yearly event! Lol).

It was a great story with a Bond-esque hero (and opening titles!) a nasty villain, and very much showcased the rich beauty of Mallorca.

Roper's villa is on a promontory in Pollenca Bay and was also host to Amanda Holden and her Greek Oikos  yoghurt advert (I loved her bracelet in that, it inspired a certain gift in The Key!!)

They were also seen blasting down the North coast in speedboats to dinner at the restaurant in Cala Deia (a place featured in The Key). It's usually quite safe to eat there with no gun toting nutters!

If you can't arrive by boat (like one of my old bosses did) then you have to drive to Deia and head out of the village North towards Soller. Just before the first hard left hand bend there is a bus stop and road on the left. Wind your way down that to the car park and get out and walk for the rewarding sight of one of the best used places on Mallorca – cinematographically speaking! (It's been in Four Last Songs, Murder under the Sun (Ustinov version 1981) and now The Night Manager ... And maybe one day The Key - who knows?! Lol).

Also used was the restaurant on Palma paseo (Avenida Gabriel Roca) - where Corky threw his cringeworthy hissy fit in front of John Le Carre himself! Restaurante Bahia Mediterraneo. That was also used in Mad Dogs – another great series filmed here.

Then they used the Hotel Maricel for (possibly) the bedroom wall scene and terrace  outside! That's in Sant Agusti/Cas Catala.

The Placa de la Drassana and Placa de Santa Eulalia doubled as Madrid when Apo was seen in church and dining at a restaurant. Plus other backstreets doubled as Istanbul!

Soller got a look in too when Danny had an ice cream followed by those heavies!! (the ones that sound like they are named after cats!!)



Anyway that's it for now!


MP ;-)

Writing -

I have three projects on the go at the moment – basically three ideas for novels that I add to as and when I feel like it. It may seem a little chaotic to have three on the go, but they were ideas that came, so I made a start. Now if I am stuck with one, I can work on another and thereby not waste any time!

I hope to get cracking on one or all of these during the winter. At the moment lunch is spent topping up my Vitamin D while I still can; it will go around November when the UV drops to low – yes even here! I have a spectacular front side tan from where I lean against a wall near the beach at lunchtime soaking in all that good feel-good D!

 

I’m thinking that eventually the books could become the Mallorcan Stories collection as my aim is to write various different characters as the protagonist and keep the usual background characters appearing throughout the novels. It will become like a soap opera eventually. It’s funny a few years back I had an idea for writing some sort of soap opera based on the exploits of the Captains, and crew of the marina, the boat-owners and the expats, but I had no real idea how to accomplish it. I then heard a rumour that there was a planned series on that vein, boy was I disappointed! However nothing has come of it and now I am creating a similar thing with my novels. Anyway so far I have done Lily with The Key, and Sabrina with Learning to Fly, next up is Bryce, then Kynthia and Daisy in The Love Business as well.

There is room for this to be an ongoing series with a new protagonist and a mix of established and new background characters.

 

MP ;-)

Migraine Update -

Since the migraine in August I have not had a repeat episode!


MP ;-) 

The Truth Is Out There! -

The Truth is Out There!! –

I was just doing the mopping and having some random thoughts while I worked my way round the floors - anyway now I'm stuck on the bed waiting for it all to dry I thought I'd write some more blog since time is so limited these days!

So ALIENS?? Yes I have interesting thoughts while mopping!


I read an article in the week about how NASA had hidden the real colours of Mars and allegedly covered up or hidden other oddities witnessed by astronauts in the sky/space.

I find this annoying - why lie?


But then I got to thinking - most people who live from day to day struggling with life quite frankly would probably expire if there was a rich diverse universe of aliens out there! Given the state of politics on earth it is quite likely that the Universe would reflect all of that too! Therefore for every good alien or planet there's bound to be bad! Would your average Joe be able to cope with the fact that not only does he hate his boss and X Y Z, but also the Frangipans from P3X- 666 would quite frankly like to kill him if they could and maybe are plotting at this very minute!

By the same token if it was public knowledge about alien life and civilisations maybe the whole damn planet would have to grow up a bit and that would not be a bad thing! Certain norms and social/power structures could be obliterated overnight but unfortunately given the nature of some people's primitive minds you'd probably have a lot of "children" rioting!!

It amuses me when you see comments on Facebook where people say WE ARE ALONE! Sounds more like denial to me! Unless this planet is some mega hoax and is actually a projection within some kind of closed surface (think the Truman Show) then how can anyone look at the vastness of space and imagine for a second that this planet is the only one with life on it!
The arrogance of that notion is spectacular!

Also I think that what we currently call "science fact" is actually a load of hogwash! Given the scale of this Universe, for any scientist to assume he knows anything in this vast scale is also spectacular ignorance! Just because things in your "reality" are at a certain level does not make it true or unquestionable fact! Let’s face it two hundred years ago flight was deemed impossible! Therefore what "science" knows now still barely scratching the surface of "reality"! We may know more than we did during the Dark ages but we still know Jack Shit!!

One particular thing I read in the NASA article was that re-entry may not be as dangerous as is commonly proposed. Certainly if we are little more than monkeys with intelligence then it is quite likely the whole dangerous re-entry hypothesis is wrong, if you KNOW how to do it correctly! So it could be possible that this "science" of danger is actually a myth based on ignorance!

As it looks like the floor is now dry I will sign off for now!


Adios Amigos! MP ;-)

FAN Shopping Centre Mallorca -

So a new shopping centre opened in Mallorca circa ten days ago. Primark has arrived to Mallorca. I waited ten days but curiosity and a need for new pants got the better of me – I couldn’t wait any longer.

Now there is a time here when the shops are less busy on a Saturday (no. I’m not saying when as I don’t want my quiet time disrupted!! Lol!)

Anyway I planned my arrival at quiet time but I guess it’s still too much of a novelty for that to stand at the moment! Anyhoo! So it being Spain they were keeping the cars driving up and down the road rather than letting them in! Not to be deterred – hell I’ve waited nine years for this a bit of a walk and some lateral thinking wasn’t gonna stop me! So I parked in the nearby town and walked half a mile. In the car park there were loads of spaces that they weren’t allowing the cars driving up and down the road to use! Hmm, so that made sense! Still it meant those people weren’t in the shopping centre!

Once you get in there and walk around it’s a nice space. Open air though so good job it doesn’t rain so much here!

And Primark is massive. (Not sure if it beats Poole or Croydon but nevertheless it didn’t disappoint although I was wary of getting my hopes up and being disappointed so I went with low expectations!)

The prices were good which was unexpected, I thought they’d jack them up a bit given the local shop prices, eg socks in H&M €7 etc, but no they were €3.50 for the same size pack so on a par with UK prices as I can recall.

I replaced my baggy winter socks, and pants that have lasted 2/3/4 years since last UK excursions! Despite having a good collection of bits and bobs it was still less than a Desigual T-shirt (or so I’m told LOL!).

When I got home I had fish and chips, so it was a bit like the old days of Saturdays doing Primark and sometimes having fish and chips after.

In my time in UK I used to go to Primark or the shopping centre every Saturday. It was the only bit of living that I had really!

The life here is different and while I thought I might miss that I don’t – I can’t see that I’ll I want to brave this shopping centre more than once a month. I’ll have to coincide it with the necessary bunny grub stock up that forces me to the shopping centre roughly once a month! (At least this bun doesn't know the UK bun food is better - I used to have to buy it in UK for my old buns as they wouldn't eat the Spanish stuff!!)

Knowing my luck, I’ll now meet a man from out of town who’ll want to take me off to pastures new (Canada, US, New Zealand or Oz) where there won’t be a bloody Primark!!!

Still it’s nice to know I only have to brave the Via Cintura or the Paseo for new socks, rather than a two hour flight! OK yeah I know that sounds bizarre, but I tended to save up my wants for Primark rather than pay daft money for things here because a shopping trip (while visiting friends) in UK was usually much better than any shopping trip here. I rarely ever find what I like in the Spanish shops and Primark never disappoints!

Viva Primark!!

MP ;-)


PS - for all those Primark snobs who think its crap, well some of aren't made of money! And I have never yet had something last "five minutes" as is the often heard justification for such snobbery! I get all my T-shirts there and they get washed roughly every fortnight since I have enough to not wear the same ones each week. And so far they've all lasted at least three years before being relegated to "work wear" or dusters, so really why pay more!


Time -

Suddenly I don't seem to have enough time to write at the moment. I'm now working evenings and weekends and its difficult to find the time to think of blog, let alone write it!

Three chapters of book 3 (as yet untitled) have been sat on the floor beside my bed for close on three weeks and even my regular bike rides are becoming intermittent!

However it all means I can put some focus to improvement, so its a step in the right direction.

So, I might be sporadic at posting for now. Ciao for now!

MP ;-)

Doctors (23/08/16), Migraines, Salt -

Doctors  (23/08/16)-

I didn't used to have a fear of doctors! I didn't used to get white coat but then I had several experiences which made me question things and now by coincidence, or as a result, I get white coat!


Over the years I have been prescribed things and since my adult years I have always ended up with something else as a result!

I usually then seek to treat the resulting maladies with alternative means and guess what? They work and without side effects!


So yesterday I was not best pleased when a bad bout of migraine and sickness led me to the doctor in panic and because quite frankly I needed the pain to go away!

Of course the first thing she did was check my blood pressure! Well I was on a doctors table in distress and guess what, it was sky high! She seemed to doubt me when I said it wouldn't be like that at home but my average readings on my iPhone app don't lie!


I was then prescribed pain meds and anti sickness meds. What I really wanted to know was why I had the vile migraine and sickness for the second time in a week.


I went to the pharmacy and for the second time (out of 2) the doc has prescribed something that doesn't exist!! I was nearly on my knees at that point - bearing in mind I'd had three paracetamol/codeines that hadn't worked I just wanted to get something that would take the pain away without killing me! I was given a higher dose of Tramadol.


Rather unnerved I went home and took the meds which knocked me out at least.
A couple of hours later I looked up Tramadol - it can stop you breathing on a "new dose"! Wow that's heartening to hear! And that's just the start of it! Ok if it's occasionally necessary to take this stuff to kill the headache fine, but the last thing I need is to have to keep taking this stuff. So a treatment for the cause is required not pandering to symptoms!


So I started some research based on a hunch and some cures I've seen mentioning salt!

Now as it happens I don't have much salt! It is the big thing if you have high blood pressure - don't have all these salty foods and since high BP is a family thing I have long since reduced salt and even more so on my own. Upshot is I barely have any. I don't eat junk or processed food, I cook most of my own stuff and since I have expensive Himalayan salt I use little more than a pinch!
Plus recently I have been exercising and sweating buckets (a rarity for me it has to be said, but now happens at least once a week!) and I've been drinking massively more water since giving up coffee and milk!


So I looked up salt deficiency and guess what headaches and nausea are right there! Well I had a bike ride on Sunday and got ill first thing Monday! Hmmm!
Now apparently if you don't have the correct electrolyte balance you can still be dehydrated even after drinking water- something to do with osmotic processes. So you need electrolytes (and not those crap sports drinks sold to make you thirsty!)
So it seems I need to watch my salt/magnesium/potassium.


Apparently the lancet recently published the fact that sodium causes heart attacks is erroneous! So the fact the doc hands out a diet sheet as a matter of course to cut out salt is well frankly misguided! But then they never actually ask you what you eat do they?


I barely have salt, I am not overweight, my cholesterol is fine, I don't drink or smoke and ok I didn't exercise much but now I do, so clearly if I had high blood pressure then it is something I'm eating or not eating?! Well actually I believe my problems in the past were due to sugar! Since I have drastically reduced that my blood pressure is fine until I go anywhere near a doctor!

The doctor said if I had a continued problem with the headaches they'd send me to a neurologist. Well that's fine but really it would be far better to ask some questions first? Eg what have you been doing/eating/drinking? If those questions were asked, more cures could be made rather than turning people into lifetime consumers of meds!



As for me I'm going to get some more salt and bananas and eat some more salt a day and yeah I'll watch the BP but I would not be surprised if more salt / less sugar is the answer for the head and the BP!!

We’ll see.

 

28/08/16 – so I have had about third of a teaspoon of extra salt per day, on days when I have exercised or sweated profusely (it’s bloody humid!), and no return of the migraines! Hopefully this will continue! 


MP ;-) Thinking for myself since 1999!

Romance-

I don't know if it’s because I'm Taurean or just a certain kind of human but when I meet "someone" I want to feel "something"! I want to have my breath catch slightly, feel my pulse, feel compelled to want to get to know this person.
But so far that seems to be hard to come by!


It happened once (and in that instance, was rather misguided) but I'd hate to think it’s not possible again!

But for too many years that has not happened. Am I wanting too much?

I mean, I don't suppose everyone in a couple currently, felt that. I daresay some saw a reasonably decent person and thought "ok, I'll give it a go"! Perhaps without any real lust or chemistry. But I've been there, done that, and it really didn't work! I think what was missing, remained missing and in some part led to the decline!


But what if you never meet someone like that? What if you never meet someone who stirs your soul? Is it just luck that some do?


I know I want to be "stirred", compelled, otherwise it really doesn't seem worth it to me. If you meet someone and they're "quite nice" it's not really enough is it?

I saw someone two years ago who fascinated me but I didn't get the chance to meet. I still think about him and wonder. He compelled me and I don't even know his name.


I suppose there is only one thing you can do - hope and believe that one day everything you want will cross your path!


MP ;-) Livin'in hope!

Depression and Loneliness -

Yesterday and in recent days I had a really severe bout of depression. It was one of those where each second seems unbearable. I went to bed on Friday feeling suicidal as life seemed impossible. Well not that life seemed impossible — that just goes on and on, but the terms of it seemed impossible to endure.

I had gotten to the point of looking around and wondering what on earth compels anyone to have kids in this god forsaken place and continue the misery. I suppose the answer to that is love? They find love and they want to continue it (obviously not in all cases; I mean, a lot find yet more misery and perhaps hope a child might make things better!).

As I walked around feeling an endless pit of despair I noticed a few kids and couldn’t help contemplating how I felt they were condemned to this existence – but then I noticed the way some were playing, the hope and I realised maybe some (hopefully many) are brought up in a different mindset, so maybe because of that there lives will be happy and perhaps without the struggle I feel I have (at times).

I was brought up into a family of miseries. I really do not know what compelled them to get together especially given much of the bitterness each felt to each other and god alone knows what compelled them to bring a child into that misery. I’ve been told it was because my father had said the Bible told it was “your duty!” (Not that I ever saw him pick up a Bible!). No doubt my mother may have thought it would be good “supply”; a personally trained supply lackey?! She has often expressed that she prefers dogs! (If I’d been the dog I’d have been treated with empathy and love!!).

Therefore coming from where I have it is different to see the bright side of life! (I am getting better at it!). My family life was boring to say the least, they didn’t do anything, they had no friends (a few tolerated acquaintances), life was always a struggle, life was a state of low level misery.

There was no such thing as fun for my parents, and to be honest they were old way beyond their years. I mean, I saw a guy of 60+ learning to roller blade the other day, and I’m all for that, you are only as old as you allow yourself to be, right? They would have regarded him as a childish old fool and looked at him with po-faces!

The most “fun” they ever had was taking the caravan on holiday (with military precision thanks to Dad) and sitting on the beach – it was admittedly interspersed with a bit of swingball or spongeball tennis and rowing around in a beach dinghy (usually with my Dad looking miserable as sin unless he was gazing at a boat!). I was frequently told of for being childish even when I was a child! There was never any music, never any laughter, never any fun. My parents never did anything a normal human would regard as fun. In fact anything that may possibly have been fun was usually drained by my Dad’s controlling attitude to everything.

So in all intents and purposes I come from the land of pessimism where nothing ever got better and sometimes it got a whole lot worse. Certainly the glass was half empty and usually with the expectation it would get broken!

This did start to change for me when I discovered Diana Coopers book and a change became noticeable; I did go from a glass that was empty and broken to a unbroken glass that sometimes had something in it (on occasions I do manage to elevate myself to the glass being overflowing!), but when you struggle and try for so long to maintain a positive belief, and nothing changes, it is very easy to fall back to the default setting of extreme pessimism!

And that is where I have been for the past few weeks with it getting to critical on Friday night! I could not see a way forward (I still can’t really). The only thing that was keeping me going was my widow bunny – how could I do that to her when she’s just lost her mate!

The crux of my problem current problem is loneliness I think. That is the biggest thing affecting me right now.

Mostly I go to work and come home and don’t see anybody for days. Yet all the while I go out to go for walks and bike rides and I see couples and families everywhere! I don’t know how they all meet each other, yet they do and I don’t! It has always been the way. A continuing pattern since my long days at home with mother! Back then I did evening classes every year to meet like-minded souls and in all that time (I did about 20 different classes) I never met anyone by that means! (Sorry agony aunts but that has limited success!). And I was even doing subjects mostly frequented by men eg sailing and navigation! Not a single, eligible one among them! I did amateur dramatics and met a female friend but that was that.

When opportunity allows I go to events here to meet people with mixed results; the unfortunate problem of this place, as I think I have written before, is that people come and go. You can build a friend base only for it to disappear as people move on. You then have text friends and no one to go out with! This has now happened twice, first when I got here and then after last break-up when I had to find new friends. 4 have left within two years! It makes me feel defeated. I, thank god, have one friend here who is unlikely to leave for a good while and she is always positive, but she can’t go out much so I am still a little isolated but even that is a huge improvement on life before her!

Despite some similarities in background she is a glass overflowing person, and is currently feeling very blessed with life. She is always positive. Sometimes she says things to me; like, life is an adventure (normally with eager eyes) and I can understand her point of view (it definitely has been for her) but my familial point of view would rather think life is torture! I actually struggle to remember any times I was truly happy! Any of the happy times for the first 33yrs were tinged with the nagging feelings of the abusive situation I was in (even though I didn’t realise that was it was at the time!). I can remember pleasant days obviously. Many of them were to do with boats! Days out on my boat for instance, there were a few that came close to happy even though I had the “spouses Grimm” onboard! A memorable day on a boat racing with the music blaring without Mr & Mrs Grimm (YAAAY!). Some fun some laughter, but tinged with the sadness that I’d have to go home to the Grimm’s and “endure”!

I wonder what it must feel like to be born to normal loving parents, who have a glass half full attitude who make things fun! I guess then maybe life can be an adventure!

I have my dreams. Some of them I have made happen already so I guess I know it is possible. I guess there is such a huge disparity between that and this that I struggle to see how I will ever get there. I also know that the feelings of depression I am feeling are because of allowing my thoughts to dwell and fights against things I have no control over! For instance I will meet my soul-mate when I am meant to and no amount of wriggling and writhing and worrying will change that!

It is difficult when you see some people in loving families, loving life and have had what you have dreamt of and struggled to achieve for years, and it doesn’t come to you!

I know though that I am in a dangerous situation at the moment; by dwelling on loneliness and what one hasn’t got, one could easily make the wrong decision if someone came along who might ease that! It would be easy to ignore things just to make a match fit! And I know I don’t want that! I have done that before and it didn’t work!

Sometimes given what I have had in the past, it is very difficult to really believe you can have your dreams. It feels like it’s not for me! The worst thing is when you have aimed and concentrated on being positive for a period of time and you see no tangible results, you end up feeling what’s the use!

My mother always told me our family was cursed by her paternal grandmother! She apparently knew witch doctors during a stay in South Africa in the beginning of the 1900s and every time anything went wrong or I felt defeated she would always tell me there is no point expecting better, we are cursed anyway! While I generally believe that what she got in life was a direct result of attitudes such as that, it still gets me on occasions when I feel defeated and tired of the struggle!

Great Grandmother must have been a narcissistic bitch herself as she allegedly did this in revenge because after several years of marriage her son stopped having his pay packet sent to her and instead to his wife! While it is true words and curses can have energy and strength (each word has its own vibration due to the sound formed in saying it) and curses and intent can affect the people they are directed to (words are not spelled “spells” for nothing!) I can’t really imagine it how it could be directed down a family line – the woman herself hopefully would have a huge karmic debt if that were possible! More likely her negative attitude was passed to her children and they have self-fulfilled it! Anyway to be on the safe side I’ve used the Living Lens on “feeling cursed” just to be sure! But jeez sometimes you do wonder – but then again that’s because I was brought up to be told never to expect anything but misery and drudgery!

God no wonder I’m depressed because of the loneliness! That is what I am living a form of misery and drudgery! Get up go to work, see no-one (or odd boss for a few minutes) and come home, go out for walk or bike ride, meet no one, go to bed, and repeat! And all the while there is evidence of people living their dreams and having fun all around me and mine just don’t seem to be happening in any way shape or form!

I went for a bike ride yesterday and the endorphins seem to help. I have been testing myself up different hills and last night past what I feel is “the great test”, I got up a huge long hill without stopping and although I was gasping at the top my legs weren’t knackered which is a great improvement. For many years I didn’t expect to ever cycle without feeling pain and distress, yet somehow in the course of 12-15 rides I have crossed the hump and now managing what I haven’t done for twenty years! My legs actually feel strong! Wow is that a revelation. I also noticed having achieved this hill, that I could sit watching the tourists without dissolving into despair.

When I came home I watched The Proposal which is always good for a laugh – oh I so hope to find a guy whose family is like Mary Steenburgen and “Gammie Annie”, they are just so fab! I don’t like the Dad of course, but you can’t have everything. (Ryan Reynolds has great muscles too which is nice!). So I felt better by the time I went to bed. I had some 5-HTP and some Vit D to be on the safe side!

I realise that my mind is what can make me happy and my mind is what can make me miserable! Thinking thoughts that bring me to the edge of suicide really serves no purpose. I’ve been able to be as high as a kite in the same situation that currently seems intolerable, so it is possible again! I know I need to make some changes to my current existence. I need to get out and meet people more and maybe that’s down to me attempting to pursue the group who are like-minded here.

I can’t control when my soul-mate will turn up either. And I can’t feel miserable waiting for that moment. It will happen when it happens, and the best way to make that feel better is to feel good in the meantime. I think there is something about having faith that means you don’t question it, just know, even in the face of the disparity and seeming injustice in this world! Faith is an absence of doubt. I know if I told my mother my dreams she’d sneer at me and ask me who did I think I was that I deserved that? Thank goodness I don’t have that draining attitude. If she’d seen me desolate on Friday she’d have told me “it’s all we can expect”!

I was reading a tweet a few days ago that Tracy Edwards put about her mother (bearing in mind she took on the massive challenge of being the first skipper of an all female crew in the round the world race at a time when women were still just the cooks on boats), her mother apparently always told her, “you only fail if you don’t try”, wow, what a great ethos! It evidently worked well on her. So different from the way I was brought up. Actually I sometimes wonder how I managed to try and succeed at anything given the example of my parents and their shock when I did manage to do something, and often I was discouraged from doing things!

I’ll never forget this one time when I was sailing my eighteen footer with the Grimms along Bournemouth sea front. It required tacking as the wind was coming along the coast. I decided I wanted to sail all the way to the Sandbanks ferry despite the tricky nature of the tacking vs the tide. My father who was heavily opinionated with very low level of education, decided that I was being stupid. A boat coming from a completely different direction wasn’t tacking so OBVIOUSLY I must be at fault! (Too dim to realise despite many times witnessing tacking yachts, that the wind direction is key!).

He then proceeded to argue and berate me to the point where I had to give up my challenge and switch the bloody engine on just to shut him up! I never did manage to feel the satisfaction of reaching my destination through skill and will,  instead I failed because of a bloody-minded idiot who was afraid to try anything new in his life and forced his inadequacy on me!

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever overcome my confidence problems that have resulted from that and other similar episodes! The biggest problem is that it is the times when one needs to feel confident in ones actions that often when one doesn’t really balls everything up!

I wonder if maybe some of this stuck feeling is still related to that? Who knows!

So now I need to find ways to feel better once more.

What I do know is, if I can get through this sludge and find a way to my dreams, then anyone can! And to that end I keep moving forward even if it is slowly at times! Keep moving forward, keep working on your dreams, try to stop thinking about anything you don’t want and concentrate on what you do want – without the anguish of not having it yet!

I guess sometimes I forget I have come a long way – despite the odds. Despite the odds I have steadily accomplished things even in the face of parental shock that I could manage anything! I have worked steadily to my dreams and in most cases in some way at least I have achieved them! Sometimes it was quicker! Perhaps this is bigger and therefore slower! Maybe it’s also about finding the confidence to say this is what I do? (To that end, I just emailed someone who may be able to help me tell people that!).

Well now it’s lunchtime, and I didn’t eat yesterday so think I should today. Maybe I have just had a couple of ideas to pursue too! Something that is worth a try!

 

Onwards and hopefully upwards! Don’t let the bastards get you down!

 

MP ;-)

Bunny Obituary 16-7-16

My Bunny Boy 6 died today. It was all very sudden and unexpected. On Thursday evening he was running and jumping for joy on the rug and standing up to investigate the fan on the chair and me on the sofa and no sign of a problem even after his mad moment running back and forth on rug, but he must have injured himself even though it was not obvious when I put him back in cage. Today he seemed subdued but moved around cage to different positions although oddly had head in corner at one point which wasn't really his thing. 
In the afternoon I noticed he seemed more subdued and could smell the telltale sign of one who'd had wet themselves. I checked him and found he had wet feet and had wet himself which is very unusual and definitely indicated something was up. I cleaned his feet and tummy then put him on lounge floor for some exercise and to see if he was mobile but he couldn't get a grip. I moved him to rug and he seemed to have trouble to get his legs under him and it then became apparent he seemed partially paralysed at his hind legs. 
I called the vet but he was going away  and he said bunny had probably hurt himself jumping, and a painkiller should help to get him back on his feet. 
I put him carefully back in cage so he wouldn't hurt himself more, then went to get some lettuce so he'd have something he'd like to eat once painkiller kicked in. When I put it in beside him though, he collapsed on his side, which is never a good sign. I've never yet seen an ill rabbit survive long after that. He stayed on his side so I went to meet vet's wife for medicine but when I got back he'd already died with Bunny Girl 5 at his side.

It is so sad that a bunny can end up dying because he injured himself jumping for joy. I rescued him not quite two years ago and he arrived very timid and had been bleached! He remained quite timid but nevertheless trusted me and we've sat many a time nose to nose on his favourite rug!


I will miss his cheeky face emerging from under the sofa (he knew he wasn't allowed there!), his whiskers tickling my nose, his chugger-chugger guzzling of the water bottle, and the little thumps he did getting comfy in the litter tray.

I miss seeing the love-fest and smoochiness that was the pair of them together. And most of all his mad runs round the lounge rug that he loved so much! I can at least feel some gladness that he enjoyed nearly two years here and was somewhere between 6 and 8 so he had a reasonable innings and his last years were joyful and with his girlfriend, and with someone who loved and looked after him.  

:-( RIP Bunny Boy 6 … forever in my heart. 

Thankfully Bunny Girl 5 is eating and drinking and washing so she seems to be coping, which I hope will continue … which is more than can be said for me at the moment!

The Pleasures of Bunnies -

Today to take my mind off the stupid Brexit uncertainty that nags just below the surface I am going to reminisce about my bunnies. What started it was a moment in the bath just now where I could hear activity in the litter tray in the next room. Of course I knew exactly who was in there as they all have their own little foibles and it got me smiling and giggling at the little things my bunnies have done that was/is unique to them!

They all have their own little personalities.

Bunny Girl 1 (names have been changed to protect the innocent!) arrived in late 2000, she spent the weekend as a single bun then I felt so guilty at her looking lonely that I went back and bought her sister Bunny Girl 2.

Immediately I could see the very different “personalities”. BG1 was laid back, calm, whereas BG2 was not at all. For the first few months every time I put BG2 on my lap she’d wriggle free and then disappear with a clean pair of sooty-coloured heels for the nearest hiding place. The skirting behind my mother’s bed had never been so clean from the regular dusting it received from her disappearances there. Never more funny than when she’d eventually emerge with dust and fluff all over her whiskers. BG1 would sit on my feet, she liked to be near me. BG1 also had a very definite, almost fierce way of washing. She’d sit up and shake each paw ferociously before she started washing her face, normally accompanied with breathy noises of effort.

BG2 on the other hand used to shake each paw casually in the air once before giving herself a quick lick, however she was less casual about her undercarriage where comically she’d wedge her (sizeable) bulk into a corner and proceed to clean everything in  a very precise manner, often using teeth to weed out anything unsatisfactory and often resulting in her pulling her own fur (on her “bikini line”) which resulted in a nerve jangled leg and a squeak of surprise, but she never let that stop her being anything other than immaculate. BG1 generally left that for me as does BG5!

Before BG2 was neutered she turned into a whirling dervish. If I put the food or anything into the cage she’d start snorting and grumbling and kick boxing my hands, so much so I had to wear ski gloves to feed them. Plus she started humping her sister (I did wonder if she was a boy but it seems bunny girls swing both ways!) Thankfully the aggression stopped when she was neutered and she also stopped being so highly strung and edgy but the humping continued with both of them getting in on the act. In her second year, she stopped running away and would happily snuggle on my chest to listen to Eastenders with her whiskers tickling my nose while her sister sat on my knees watching the TV. BG2 comically used to make sure she got herself rrreeeaaaalllllyyyy comfortable, really get herself bedded down, never mind that I was under all that wriggling and heaving to get just right! (8lb of rabbit getting comfy on your chest sometimes knocks the wind of out you!).

Unfortunately BG2 didn’t make it to her second birthday, and so Bunny Boy 3 turned up to keep BG1 company.

And along came another different little personality. He was a big boy with the thickest fur imaginable. Thankfully after 2-3 days of initiation BG1 and BB3 fell head over heels in love. Where BG1 was friendly and would love to sit on my feet, BB1 would grudgingly accept being held (just) but generally was rather snooty. He was obviously very handsome which drew quite a few admirers, but he didn’t like anything in the way of “disturbance” so he’d either hide from visitors and thump the whole time they were talking in the same room or if he couldn’t leave he’d turn his back on them and sit there grumbling and thumping – which didn’t really achieve anything at all, as all his admirers just thought he was even cuter! He didn’t like the TV or the phone or anyone having a conversation near him.

When I put him on the bed, he loved to dig and smooth, dig and smooth and when he was fed up with his digging and smoothing he’d try and head butt me off the bed! In the cage you could tell which was which. She was the one who made a loud chugger-chugger noise on the bottle while he ever so delicately sipped and slurped. His stomach used to gurgle the loudest too!

Not long after, I missed BG2’s sooty little face, so I got another bunny the same colour and along came Bunny Boy 4. He was the cheekiest of the lot. Where all the other bunnies would mostly accept sitting on my lap “for a while, if they absolutely had to” before scooting on to the floor, BB4 would scoot on to the table and sit in the (empty) fruit bowl to hold court over his subjects! Not for him disappearing into a corner or hiding behind the curtains. If there was attention he was going to get up high and have all of it, thank you very much.

A friend came round to see him when he was still new and only about 9 weeks old and he had a great time skiing down the guy’s lapel and sitting on his shoulder in the lounge, getting all the attention! BB4 had a twinkle in his eye and he was the bunny equivalent of “a lad”! Even being neutered didn’t put a dent in that twinkle. Unfortunately BB3 and BB4 didn’t get on because BB4 wanted to be top buck (not really fair on poor BB3 who was there first!). BB4 also fancied BG1 rather a lot and she obviously liked the twinkle in his eye which upset BB3 rather a lot, and even despite his placid nature he didn’t like that, so he’d nip her if she looked at rakish BB4! 

So despite an attempt at getting BB3&4 to like each other which resulted in fur flying and a tumbling blur of rabbits down the hallway, I kept them separate for fear the “finding of the pecking order” might cause big vets bills before they settled their differences! They might have sorted themselves out of course, as BB3 was bigger and more placid where as BB4 was small with pluck! But I didn’t fancy the possible chunks and scratches involved in them working out who really was top bunny!

BB4 proved to be a sweet little guy who the vet wanted to keep as he was so soppy (he’d lie on his back on your lap in a trance and not move, of his own accord). He was also a very stringent washer who’d shake those paws very well before given his five o’clock shadow a very vigorous wash. And the ears were washed with precision! Unfortunately BB4 only lived to 10 months which was a great shock. He was a small package that came along and had a big impact!

BG1 and BB3 came in the car with me to Mallorca. It was a rather rough crossing on the ferry, but BG1 took it all in her stride (as ever) the only indication that she was a little uncertain was a slight widening of her eyes as if to say “ooh hello this is a bit wierd!” BB3 on the other hand obviously was sea-sick (though bunnies can’t puke) as he was trying to dig his way out of the carry box and not at all happy. Thankfully about two hours in the sea calmed and he eventually sat down and stopped trying to dig out of the box.

Both then took Spain in their stride and had a nice sun-filled retirement. When BG1 died at 7yrs and 7months, BB3 was upset for a couple of days but then spent another two years as a contented widower, thumping at the neighbours and any visitors, and spending most of the time under the bed or propped up half in the bookcase (he looked like he was sitting at a bar). He’d come out about once a month to greet me at his bunny gate for a nose smooth and an ear tickle then disappear to observe me once more from where I couldn’t get him!

During one holiday he became a celebrity in the town I lived because he had a competition with a dog at the vets where he was staying, to see who could make the most noise. He in his cage in the waiting room thumping and grunting, and the dog in the surgery barking in response to each other. The owner and the visitors apparently were amazed that 8lbs of bunny could have quite such a strong personality that he made his displeasure known the whole day, to all who’d listen!

For a few days after I was met by various people saying “Oh, that was your bunny!” He had quite big feet that could make a din and the muttering under his breath was a hoot. He should have been called Victor Meldrew! So for a little while at least he was famous!

After he died at 7yrs 9 months I had a break from bunnies for a while. What with working on boats it wasn’t convenient. However in January 2014 along came what I thought was Bunny Boy 5 but turned out to be bunny girl. She’s the naughtiest I have ever had. There’s not a thing she won’t try to eat, and unlike the others who all listened and knew their names, well BG5 is either deaf or playing deaf!  She thumps and grumbles and kicks up a stink if I try and take her out of cage or put her back in. She does, though, happily sit in something (whatever’s handy) to be transported to and fro – in some sort of regal fashion. She won’t sit on my feet. She regards me coolly from a distance. She doesn’t clean her bum and eats like a horse. She sips and slurps the water bottle, and doesn’t like fresh vegetables! However she quite liked travelling in the car, and seems to take everything in her stride. 

She was joined by a rescue bunny, Bunny Boy 6 who arrived looking as if someone had bleached his fur with Jolen or something similar. He is timid but very sweet. He’ll stay put and let me sit nose to nose with him (lying on the rug) and he lets me pick him up with no fuss, although he goes rigid. He’s a water bottle “chugger” and his washing technique is somewhere between casual and fastidious, and the really funny thing that started all this, is whenever he goes in the litter tray he stamps his feet to get comfortable. Also despite being neutered and having had no thoughts of such matters for a year, he now insists on dry humping BG5 most evenings! And he loves the rug; they both try to eat it and pull the tufts out, but he runs and jumps for the pure glee of it.

My little bunny treasures! Something to keep me smiling and hopefully sane. 


MP ;-)

Brexit Woes 2 -

When I went to sleep on June 23rd I assumed as I always have that I would wake up to a sunny day (of many more to come) in my beautiful home of Mallorca. I awoke to the beautiful sunny day and could see beautiful glimpses of flat calm sea and blue sky as far as the eye could see and all was well with the world. My dream/hope that I will be able to choose to live here until the end of my days was intact. My dream that one day I might be able to live in the pink house on the hill in my favourite place, was still intact. My dream that one day I might meet a passing sailor (from a different continent) who might want to make this place home with me, was still intact.

Then I remembered I needed to check my phone for the referendum result and all those hopes/dreams fell apart!


There is no certainty now.


I have survived almost nine years here, clinging on by my fingertips for much of the time it is true- but it is worth that! It is worth the clinging on and hoping things get better. It is worth clinging on and working furiously at other ventures to try and make a future where I can finally relax and enjoy the place.
It is here where I have learnt so much for the better on my journey of life. It is here where life changed for me, it was people here who came into my life and changed me for the better. It was here I truly woke up and saw through the lies of my old existence. It was here where I peeled back layer upon layer of the "onion" and found me. It was here I transformed and I can never ever be again the person I was in England.


I am still trying to make a difference to my life. I am still trying to go beyond what I've been. I don't know if I will ever reach my goal of being a full time author but I sure as hell wanted that to be here. And even if it didn't happen, I knew that with time certain circumstances were likely to ease my feeling of clinging on by my fingertips and that if I held on, life would be highly likely to ease in the next maybe five years to allow me to relax and feel some certainty, some security.


Now I don't even know if I will be able to stay here. I don't know if the balance will be tipped and it will be impossible. Just one greater expense or problem could bring my house of cards tumbling down. It used to be that that worry only related to "what if the car doesn’t get through MOT" or "what if I can't pay the water bill?" “What if some extra payment is required that I cannot find?”


Now it's not so simple.


I have not been here ten years, so I can't change my citizenship and as I'm the kind of person who is a loner who keeps to themselves generally, I can't prove any kind of social activity with the Spanish! (In fact in recent years I could barely prove social activity with anyone!). I've worked for Brits (well and some Russians but that's another story!). I speak adequate Spanish but I don't use it much - fear probably! But then I rarely say "boo to a goose in ANY language!" I keep my circle small and really only with those I feel I can effectively communicate with (hang up from N upbringing and being so obviously misunderstood!).
So that means I can't become a Spanish citizen! I simply don’t meet the criteria!


So this situation is a worry. Although I also realise that worrying will achieve absolutely nothing in the short or long term.


I'll admit that sometimes in the last year I did wonder if I was in the right place. It is hard to decide when you love a place so much, but also realise that maybe you are stuck in a "small pond" however beautiful it is. I have wondered if I am in the wrong place to fulfil my potential or even some of my dreams. I have wondered if I am in the wrong place to meet someone (I have been single three years and haven't even seen anyone to catch my eye - no that's not true, one caught my eye but he left on a boat!) but by the same token if I want to meet a man of the world (eg one that has seen a fair portion of it and preferably comes from another continent) then here is a great place. Palma is a melting pot of ever changing visitors from all over the world - it's really not just the same on Poole Quay!


I have wondered if I am doing myself justice by my employment here. Again it's a small pond, it’s tough to get a job here especially, unless you are fond of networking and becoming a local "face"! To thrive here you can't be afraid to be seen by all and sundry in the local bars, because it really isn't what you know, it's who you know that is currency here. If you're quiet or a loner then chances are it'll be a struggle. I know what I have been doing to survive has not been fulfilling my potential, as it were, but it’s what I do to stay here. In many ways I doubt England would have proven better these past nine years; I certainly would not have had the opportunities I found here or lived enough to write my stories!


In England I doubt my skills would make life any better. My yachting expertise and years of experience at that may still come in handy here. The pay might be better in UK of course –it has to be when things like council tax cost more than double! I left England because I knew my standard of living there would be scraping along the bottom. Here at least life is better on the bottom!

I do miss some things in England.

I miss Primark - oddly one will be finally opening here in September! 

I miss evening classes and the opportunities to learn. I guess I also miss the amateur dramatics society!

Those are the things I have missed here and I guess in England if you are really struggling, you can take any job which would be difficult here without fluent Spanish.
I don't miss anything else.


My greatest fear now is that the balance will tip on the scales and I'll have to return to England. If I had to sell my flat here the chances are that I would lose much of what little I came here with, if not all of it. Places in my complex have been for sale for years and I might not even get enough to cover the mortgage and the bills for selling, given the prices I am seeing for similar. (Yes I bought just before the crash!).


What then?


Return to England with nothing? Just my car and my rabbits! I guess I'd have to live with a friend until my life straightened out!

I suppose there would be ways of making the best of it. I could probably get income support and make full use of all the free courses you can take advantage of in such instances.

They didn't want immigrants coming in and being a drain to the system! Well if I have to emigrate back to UK, and drain the system, so be it (at least I paid in for years before I left!)!

Maybe there would be a way forward. Maybe I could learn things I haven't had the chance to do here? And one advantage at least is I could send my manuscripts to the literary agents that insist on postal applications that makes it prohibitive from here, so I'd nearly double exposure of my books to those who need to see them!!


I still want my dream of my life here, in the pink house on the hill, with my foreign sailor and a shelf full of my books. Maybe that will happen anyway? Maybe even if circumstance forces me to leave soon, I'll still be able to do that later?!

Recently I have asked what my soul mission is, what I am here to do? So maybe a plan will become apparent? I guess one can only carry on as one has before. Keep dreaming, keep hoping, keep visualizing, keep fear to a minimum and believe that the best is yet to come!


My upbringing taught me to fear the worst; I am trying not to let that win anymore. It is hard not to of course, when you are in shock. The ego starts telling its old story. I admit tears are coming very easily right now but I have to hope and have faith that all will be as it should be (and that does not have to mean bad!).

 

As a friend pointed out just now, things won’t really even start to change for over a year and a lot can happen in a year. I guess I need to keep focusing on the positive and my dreams. There is no reason to believe I won’t achieve what I need to. I have decided to stop looking at the news; no more need for further fear-mongering. Concentrate on it all working out just fine and maybe it will. I guess despite what’s happened and what “could” happen, I’m not ready to give up on my dream of my pink house in Spain, and a Brexit and a load of old fossils who are stuck in the dark ages are NOT going to shatter my dreams.

And as if to highlight that anything can happen on this island, I got an unexpected invite on my last walk. Now who knows where that could lead?

 

MP ;-)

Mariella's Raw Balls -

These raw balls were made from store cupboard items as needed a quick sweet fix! However I fiddled and tweaked and here are my fabulous raw balls.

 

Ingredients:

1 cup of rolled oats (organic, so you don’t have them swimming in Glyphosate)

1/2 cup pitted dates

1/4 cup of peanut butter (can use cashew or other if got or a deeper budget)

3 tbsp raw organic honey

2 tsp of cocoa powder (or for healthier use raw cacao)

**2 tsp maple syrup (or honey if not got, as the cocoa is a little bitter)

1tbsp of ground almonds

2 tbsp dark choc chips or I used small bar of 70% from Aldi (crushed)

 

Method:

Put oats in food processor (with blade) and whip up to powder, add dates, then peanut butter, honey, cocoa, maple syrup, almonds and choc chips. Whizz until coming together. Form into balls by hand and refrigerate. They won’t last long cos you’ll eat them – they’re rather more-ish! 

Makes about 14 golf balls (I think I had 12 left after I’d munched some of the ingredients from the pot! LOL).

If you like coconut you could roll them in desiccated coconut to look pretty!

Oh god, I’m gonna have to have another one! It’s only about 90 calories!

 

MP ;-)

Personal Safety & Responsibility? Don't Trust an Narcissist!

One of the things that is really dangerous and scary about an N is you really can't trust them even with your safety or your life!

I have been witness to occasions with various Ns that have proven that without a doubt.


Some of them, who are reckless with their own lives, won't think twice about endangering yours and if they are engaged in illicit activities when something goes wrong, don't expect sense to win out!


Things like ambulances being called ... now a normal person might expect an ambulance to be called in an emergency! If you keep company with Ns don't bank on it!


The first thing of priority to any N is themselves. So if they are engaged in illicit activity (drugs or something for instance) their first priority will be to hide their involvement or culpability. If you are collapsed chances are they won't aid you until they are ready to face anyone! Don't expect concern, they're more likely to be pissed that your "problem" inconvenienced them!


Ok, so not all Ns engage in illegal substances or activities? (Well not AS illegal but all think they are above the law!). Well even then if you have a problem and your life is in danger do not rely on an N! Because before they do the right/conscientious thing it will have to go through their internal filtration system! Oh yes even if you are on the floor at death's door! 
My mother, as a case in point, believes people who are collapsed on the floor "are trying to get attention"! So don't expect an ambulance to be called until you've gasped your last and its finally got through the callous hard exterior that it was  not, nor ever could have been, "an act"! Of course it's often too late. Brain death has occurred .... But of course that won't stop the N using your untimely death as yet another source of supply!! They can play the sorry friend/lover/spouse/parent.
And if something should happen mid-argument with an N then your death warrant is signed for sure!


Ns will never do what is considered normal or empathetic in response to illness or danger (well they have no empathy) and they will always think of themselves first. For that reason alone it is best to go no contact with relatives/exes who are N. And if you are lucky to survive the incident (whatever it may be) you can bet your bottom dollar the N in your life will use the incident to make themselves look good (yet more supply) or even use it as a joke to tell their friends - yes I have seen that too! 

Over and out!

MP ;-)

Brexit Woes and Uncertainty!

Sometimes I have felt like I am living life waiting for “the other shoe to drop”, and maybe today it did. I know it is too early to tell just what ramifications will come about from the Brexit madness but I am scared. I know “life’s what you make it” … I know “you create your own reality” but nevertheless sometimes it feels that no matter how hard you try, some git comes along to derail your best efforts!

There have been instances before where life just seemed to be going OK and along came something unexpected that ***ked it up. I just hope this is not one of those times. 

I came to Spain for a better life. In England the cost of living was too high. I’d have been living in a 16m2 studio if I was still there, probably struggling with the council tax, and suffering severe winter depressions due to S.A.D, and no doubt afraid to use the heating in the winter!

(For the record, I lived at home with N mother back when I could afford to have a small boat … those times have long since past! and actually it was my only pleasure!)

In Spain there was hope of a better existence. I live below the UK minimum wage, and life is a struggle. It’s a very fine balance; basically if anything goes wrong I’m ***ked! But at least for that struggle I live in something bigger than a studio, and have the views and amazing weather to help if the blues arrive. But that is that, I’m not living the high life of some ex-pats. It’s not a glamorous whirl or parties! I walk past the fancy restaurants and wish. My standard of living is basic beyond basic, (I buy one packet of meat a week and I’m not vegetarian!) but at least it is better than the UK. Here, I can ride my bike, go to the beach, go for a walk for entertainment and see beautiful sights and sunshine and warmth rather than sit depressed in another grey day in UK! And if last winter is anything to go by, I can manage without heat even when the inside temperature is 16degs C – thank the lord for fleece sheets!

But now Britain has voted to leave the EU. So where will that leave me? (And thousands like me who are here, struggling to live a slightly better life – or in any European country for that matter). Will our dreams be dashed to the rocks?

If anything changes that requires money, I am done for! I have none. And anything that changes here requires money!

I always said if I returned to Britain it would be kicking and screaming! Whenever I go to visit I am always struck by how awful the whole damn country makes me feel (not that it isn’t beautiful or fascinating with some fabulous places but it just drains my energy!). My positive belief, that anything is possible, just drains out of my boots and leaves me bereft; I look around and I cannot imagine living that life ever again. It is like walking into the set of Eastenders. Maybe having travelled a little at least and been around those who have also travelled has affected me, but I cannot imagine fitting back into that tight little box anymore! I don’t even like me in the mirror in UK when I am on holiday (OK that maybe is a little odd but its true!) I feel different here, better, more able to look on the bright side. Apart from anything else I meet people here who are like-minded, that is a rare event in Britain. Once you’ve broken out of that box I think it’s impossible to go back, to pretend to be alright about it!   

There is a lot of fear on the Facebook comments and boards. Worries. Uncertain people. I have lived with being uncertain with little security for the majority of the time I have spent here, but that was personal uncertainty – would I be able to pay the mortgage kind of uncertainty on a near monthly basis. This new uncertainty is more like “Am I waiting for all my dreams to come to nought and my life to be ***ked” kind of uncertainty! It could mean a whole heap of bureaucracy, and what of all the previous benefits of EU membership? Double taxation has been mentioned, old treaties won’t apply. That would affect me. I could be double-taxed for an income I don’t even receive thanks to my N mother. (Is it legal to be taxed on an income you never get? She has 100% of it! That is something I have to find out, another can of worms to open! Something I have pondered but dared not pursue previously that will now have to be investigated!) and something as simple as that could thwart my dreams of my life away from Britain and make my current situation untenable!    

And then there was also EU rules such as free movement of pets from low rabies areas to UK? What will become of that? If I am forced by circumstance to return to the UK, will my rabbits be quarantined as they are Spanish, despite the fact they haven’t seen the outdoors or another animal in at least a year! 

I was safe. I was away from her. I was living a life that was better. I was living a life that was a better me. Now who knows? 

Who knows what the Brexit will mean, whether my current life will continue or whether it will mean more struggle, more strife and god forbid having to face down my mother because of something out of my control! I know I will never have to have her in my life again which at least is one certainty, but where I will be once this all is resolved, who knows! When you’ve lived life lurching through the mire at the bottom of the pond it is often very hard to imagine better. Instead of lurching through a muddy UK pond, my pond did improve to lurching through the bottom of a Spanish one, but what now?! If the balance tips and I can no longer afford to keep the struggle going here, what then? This was my chance at a better life! I don’t quite know what will happen if this falls apart through factors not of my choosing! If I have to sell up and leave, I’ll probably have negative equity as well. I could end up with nothing. 

Maybe one day I’ll be a famous author and it won’t matter! Maybe then I will live all my dreams. When you have struggled so hard for so long, it is scary that it could still all change in the blink of an eye and be for nothing! It is hard to imagine that things would get better! Things did get better, things did look like they could become great with persistence and positivity! But then something like this happens and all that could become history in the blink of an eye!

Oh and to cap it all … my voting papers never even arrived for me to vote!

Nervous and scary times! At least I am not alone … around two million Brits in Europe woke up this morning to this news and are probably sharing my uncertainty – well except maybe the rich ones who probably will cope whatever happens. The ones who like me just scrape by, will probably be as nervous as me to see what way this falls and what impact it will have on our lives and whether our dreams and struggle will end up for nought!

I suppose what will be, will be! I guess I must continue to have faith that everything happens for a reason! Must try not to let fear win as that vibration will not do any good. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow?!

 MP :-¦ 

Family Dynamics With a Narcissist –

In a family with a Narcissist (hereinafter “N”) parent, the whole family revolves around the N. In a family with two Ns the family revolves around the dominant N. I’m not sure I’ve seen it written about anywhere else, but from my family it would appear there can be dominant Ns and submissive Ns, and as such overt and covert behaviour is displayed.

The dominant N would demonstrate overt behaviour (father) and the submissive N (mother) would show covert behaviour. Then there was me, the scapegoat/forgotten child who bore the brunt of the behaviour – I veered between scapegoat and forgotten depending on whether I was visible in any moment!

My mother would always be submissive to my father, albeit I don’t know how much manipulation went on behind the scenes. She was of course, dominant over me. (Since the death of my father she has veered between friendships with men who were dominant Ns or ones she could dominate and manipulate – ones who perhaps could be classed as enabling).

My father was the control-freak in the house dominant over both of us. In addition my mother brainwashed me from birth to believe she was the victim of “horrible/nasty Daddy” (despite the fact she was married to him for more than thirty years). In the times my father got me alone during my mother’s sulks he’d do as much to play the victim too, saying he’d been manipulated to marry her – I have to say I believed him a tad more in retrospect, even though the pair of them acted like warring toddlers.  

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I was an only child so I dealt with it all. Isolated and alone. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a sibling to bear some of the brunt but chances are (especially if it was a boy) they’d have been the golden child anyway which would have increased my alienation/abuse anyway.

It is said the golden child is the child that receives all the Ns positive projections while the scapegoat receives all the negative projections. The Golden child can’t do anything wrong, the scapegoat can’t do anything right! If there’s another child they may become the forgotten child who’s all but ignored.

Probably the ones most likely to wake up to the family dynamic are the scapegoats who will eventually become forced to confront the abuse. The forgotten child might, but is perhaps less likely to. It is highly unlikely a golden child will ever wake up to the abusive situation, even though they are still being abused (even if it looks like they get the glory). I know a golden boy in a family and he would swear blind it was all normal and great, despite the fact things are far from functional. I can see from his beliefs he’ll never wake up. I also know of one Golden boy only son, and it’s pretty clear he is totally oblivious to the true nature of his N mother that others suffer when in close proximity to her.

In most N families the N uses the divide and conquer tactic (triangulation) to keep all her children pitted against each other which means in some instances the Golden child will be abusive to the scapegoat as well. It is possible the Golden child will grow up to be N too – certainly if not, then there will be a very heavy dose of fleas!

I also think one of the reasons why a Golden child would be less likely to wake up to the situation is that it would be a far to greater a shock to the psyche to come to terms with. A scapegoat has a history of bad treatment that in many cases eventually leads to a “eureka” moment where they seek psychiatric help or even just Google abuse and then the realisation comes (and anger follows usually, and eventually healing and no contact). Perhaps it is a smaller step for the scapegoat to reach.

For a Golden who has been practically worshipped by the N parent, (and often they are also indebted or reliant on the parent too – like the smooth talking gambler types who are forever being bailed out!), not only would they have the loss of the worship and financial assistance, they’d have that much bigger chasm to cross to realise that their parent never loved them as an individual; the worship was projection and of course the reality is they were only tolerated for the glory/supply the parent somehow got from them. In the instance of a Golden it seems highly unlikely they would come to the conclusion they had an N parent (and were abused) by their own volition, and it would be in their interest to deny it to those who tried to warn them.

Also it seems to be quite a strong phenomenon that the Golden has addiction problems – be it drugs, gambling, drink or sex – they probably know something is wrong subconsciously but it is not in their interest to rock the boat so they have to fill that hole somehow! Maybe only of their life falls completely apart or they do something abhorrent to the N would they become close to finding the truth.

In public of course, none of this would be visible. In public the parent plays the role of Best Parent, and yet they will still abuse subtly, such as displaying “concern” for the scapegoat by comparing them unfavourably to other whilst couching it as if they are worried. “I worry about so and so, she’s so hopeless in comparison to XXX. I don’t know what to do.” Which makes them look caring, when actually they are insulting the scapegoat once again. You’ll also hear a lot of “Johnny’s so talented, but he gets that from me you know!”.

 

When I start writing these N based articles it always reminds me how lucky I am to be “No contact” and away from this on a day to day basis!

 

MP ;-)

In pursuit of a great curry –

When I first moved to Mallorca, I wasn’t really into curry much apart from Korma (from Asda!). The best Korma I tasted here was from Mughal on the Paseo in Palma. I can still taste it, it was glorious. The place unfortunately closed over a year ago much to my distress – it did great food, but the decor was somewhat lacking which may be why it never really had many customers.

When I have a Korma I want it to be full bodied with flavour and a tough of warmth to it. There’s nothing worse than an insipid concoction that looks like barely coloured cream. It needs spice, and preferably come out a glorious butterscotch colour. However as it’s always a bit hit and miss in restaurants and the pictures don’t necessarily represent the real dish I moved on to Tikka Masala as it has more consistency of flavour. I’ve tried them in Namaste and I think it’s Taste of India on the Paseo too. Nothing to get excited about but passable.

Then I went to the Taste of India in Palmanova in January 2015 and wow, OMG they do a fabulous Masala sauce and it is superb on chicken shashlik. I have had another almost as good from Jaipur in Portals Nous, and The Taste of India in Santa Catalina, but nothing can quite beat the one from Palmanova … until now! I found an amazing recipe that now beats it hands down and I can have it whenever I want.

A purest would marinade the chicken then cook it on skewers and coat in a sauce but I really can’t be bother with the skewers and the mess in the grill, so I just chuck it all in a frying pan, marinade and all, and Oh my, I could eat that all night … and all week! (Now I just need to work out how to make a good shashlik like the restaurants!).

 

Mariella’s Turkey Masala

 

If you do the marinade the day before it makes it far less of a faff, since the marinade only takes ten mins.

I use turkey breast portions (1 0r 2) cut into cubes, or you can use 4 medium chicken breasts.

 

Marinade

4tbsp yoghurt (I use full fat Greek, none of that low fat chemical bollocks!)

1tbsp lemon juice

2tsp cumin (comino)

1tsp cinnamon (canela)

2tsp cayenne (cayenne?)

1tbsp minced ginger (I keep mine in ice cube trays)

2tsp ground black pepper

Salt to taste (I barely have any)

If you want to make it look Indian Restaurant red then adds some food colouring (helpful when it’s boxed in freezer and you can’t remember which curry it is!)

Mix and add chopped meat and then refrigerate overnight.

 

When ready to cook you’ll need –

1tbsp butter

1 onion (chopped)

1 clove of garlic (or a generous heaped tsp of pre-prepared “lazy garlic”)

2tsp cumin

2tsp paprika

1 carton of tomato frito (I use the 400g Lidl ones)

1 cup of double cream (It’s 35% here I think).

 

Melt the butter, sauté garlic and onion (until translucent), add spices. Then add chicken/turkey and cook, until turning white all over then stir in the remaining marinade and tomato frito and cream and simmer on low until thickens (20/30 mins approx)  and chicken cooked through.

 

Serve with rice of choice or naan, and any garnish you like (I hate green stuff sprinkled on my dinner! LOL!)


Oh my ... curry heaven!

MP ;-)

Ruined Holidays and Days Out with Ns –

I wonder if this is an N thing? I was looking through a photo album the other day and as I looked at some of the holiday photos and day out photos I found myself going “Oh yes that was the day he was in a sulk”, or “Oh yes that was after the argument and the weeklong sulk,” “Oh yeah she wasn’t speaking that day.”

There was one photo that started it; a picture of my 25ft boat back the year my Dad died I think. I had taken to the tender and was rowing round taking pictures of the boat (I’d done some art work on the bow and so I wanted to photograph it – I think I might have been thinking of selling it at the time too). However there was the problem. On the bow my father was sitting like a sulking two year old staring at the deck between his legs, and in the cockpit my mother was looking morose. (25ft is not big enough for sulky Ns! – no doubt why I’d taken to the tender to get away for some peace and out of the vibes!).

Honestly he looked just like a petulant two year old that had been told to behave!

Luckily I didn’t need the pictures of it to sell it and it sold to someone in the same marina! Sales pictures with two miserable ***kers on board don’t really work!

I looked further in the pictures and saw another one, a day out on my mother’s boat. That was the day he didn’t tie the tender and it fell off so he got in the tender with no oars and guess what another knot failed and he was cast adrift. Now at this point I think anyone with savvy (or balls) would have got stuck in with hands to paddle back. Him? Oh no! Sit there like some sort of helpless king expecting the boat to drift back and when it didn’t he expected one of us to get in and swim an oar to him. Mother as his submissive N obviously knew life wouldn’t be worth living if she didn’t so she swam after him with an oar!! There ensued another argument and sulk all day! I think it may have lasted all week, as I remember another day where he was grouch personified!

The more I looked through photo album the more I remembered the sulk days. Every holiday we went on was ruined for at least four days due to some sort of sulk power struggle between them, mother would then play the victim and the pair of them would grunt at each other with faces like they’d sucked lemons!

Then when he died my mother carried on the “tradition”. She once sulked for 24 hours because I dared suggest she snored (she could shake the house down with the vibes coming out of her nose!) – how dare I get earplugs to block her out?!

Another weekend away happened when she was mid-sulk so we spent the whole tour on different tour buses – god knows what the tour guides thought; I imagine it probably was mentioned on their other tours “We once did that tour of XXX and a mother and daughter didn’t speak the whole time; perhaps that’s why they come separately after!”

More than one holiday was tense because she was petulant about my lack of sleep due to her snoring. Actually holidays in the caravan (pre-boat) were akin to hell, there’d always be a sulk for several days from one of them and at night there was her snoring and him shouting and swearing in his sleep!

I’m not one hundred percent sure why I have kept the photo album; it mostly just reminds me of old misery!!!

 

MP ;-0

Debunking Orbs -

One phenomenon that has exploded over the internet amongst spiritual circles is the case of orbs. Now I’m not saying that every blob of light on a photograph isn’t Archangel Michael (I mean I like him as much as anyone else), but as a photographer I know about the effects of dust on the lens and/or light refracting on the lens. You take a photo where the sun (or a light source) is somewhere in front of you and you’ll get interesting blobs of light on the photograph, it’s due to the lens and the light angle not Archangels, Guardian Angels or Fairies or Dragons.

Likewise if you use a flash indoors, and the lens is dusty (or even just dust in the atmosphere which is inevitable) you get “Orbs”. The only reason these are so prevalent now is because digital cameras are snapped ad-infinitum at all sorts of subjects, whereas frugal owners of film cameras of yesteryear took far less photos! The different colours of orbs accredited to various angels are actually down to the coating on the lens, hence the shades of blue, violet, purple when the sun catches it!

And to highlight this very fact I am actually just watching Saving Hope on DVD and they frequently play with the light in the lens, and guess what, “orbs” appear – and even the lovely Dr Charlie Harris hasn’t tried speaking to them!!

There is magic to believe in but orbs are not supernatural.


Dr Charlie and some lovely "orbs" in Saving Hope from CTV (Canada).


Yachts, Superyachts and Stewardesses

There was an article recently in The Daily Mail about two superyacht stewardesses/hostesses. It provoked quite a lot of comments on yacht crew boards and the comments in the Daily Mail.

The stupidest comment I saw was from some total ignoramus (on the Daily Mail – need I say more!) who said, “Hostesses? Oh, so that’s what they’re called these days?” The inference clear that he thought they were prostitutes! (God help any female crew if that bloke gets rich!).

I’d like to enlighten said twerp! The stewardess spends circa 18 hours a day on hands and knees (quite possibly) cleaning with toothpicks and ear bud cleaners and smiling at guests, running about getting champagne and whatever, irons the underpants of said owner, hoovers his pubes up off the bathmat, and gets to sleep in something akin to a shoe box or coffin (the crew quarters are the superyacht equivalent of "steerage"). A prostitute on the other hand, is invariably picked up from some local source onshore, maybe even by limo, and gets the full VIP treatment of Jacuzzis, champagne, and caviar and well, she may have to get on her knees for it, but probably not for long! – especially as most owner’s are rather past their sell by date (– well unless Viagra is involved I guess!)! And then the stewardess/hostess has to clean up the evidence before wifey flies in the next day! (Although I have heard about a boat where the wife is still onboard when the owner calls the prostitutes that he shares with friends and a crew member! I guess that woman rates the lifestyle more than she wants to ditch the jerk?)

Other comments from crew were related to non-disclosure agreements and such-like but since neither girls named the owners or the boats they’d been on I do not see why they shouldn’t tell stories of their experiences! Admittedly, there were photographs of them on said boats, so maybe a smart sort might work out what they worked on, but again no actual details of owners were divulged! It’s not, after all, as if they said they were hoovering up the cocaine after an owner’s heavy party, and believe me that happens! Luckily I’ve never seen it!

The life of a stewardess is like being in a soap opera … and I don’t mean Eastenders! No, Dallas or Dynasty or Footballers Wives is rather the level I’m talking about! Flash, rich and quite possibly tasteless with as much attitude as Alexis Colby crossed with Tanya Turner – that kind of soap opera. If you’re on a big boat you will have the drama of the crew and guests, and if you’re on a small boat (under 100ft) most of the drama will come from the owners and guests. That’s not to say you can’t find some drama from the antics of the crew even on a two-man boat – some Captains are drama queens or chaos merchants! 

Certainly you haven’t seen life until you’ve done a season on a boat. If you want to be stunned and gobsmacked you’re in the right place! How the other half live? Well the Average Joe who lives in a terrace in Anytown hasn’t got a clue about what goes on!

I was a stewardess, deckhand and cook onboard various boats under 100ft for five years. It was something I am very glad I got introduced to. I have been a boat obsessive since childhood and so I am pleased it is a part of my boating experience, and certainly I saw enough life to gain inspiration for many works of fiction using some of the traits and behaviour of the people I mingled with. For the record, no characters in my books are ever based on any one person (with the exception of Julio who was inspired by one person who doesn’t work on boats but is so outrageous and crazy he became a fully-formed character all by himself! The real person is probably so flamboyant that Julio is somewhat watered down to remain believable!). All the remaining characters are composites of people I have seen, or imagination based on tales I have heard from friends!

Much as I loved the job when I was doing it (since it is nothing like the office jobs I ever had) I feel my time as a stewardess is done. There is only so much incessant cleaning, and long hours of pampering people with entitlement issues that you can take, even for the possibility of seeing wonderful new places and getting an hour walk in them (if you’re lucky) – also I never managed to reach the big money stakes or get a permanent position, so it gets tiring having that seasonal uncertainty, and it gets tiring being at someone’s beck and call – it’s almost as if you can’t even have your own thoughts on the boat, in most cases you barely have time to think. And when crews mention their "owner" that is only partly ironic!

In my time I have worked for some relatively nice/relatively normal people, and some complete arseholes with Narcissistic tendencies that shocked even me (having thought I'd seen it all at home!). I’ve seen a few nice places in the Med, a lot of it from the galley window. I’ve been anchored in the bay next to St Tropez and had a brilliant view of the cemetery, I’ve passed Portofino and seen it’s amazing allure from the harbour entrance, and had a trip round Genoa on a tourist bus for forty-five minutes. I also saw Cannes for half an hour, just enough time to get a postcard and look at Michael Douglas’s hand print (I may have seen Eddie Murphy walk off a boat but I’m not sure!). I’ve been through a Force 8 with an impatient idiot, and seen dolphins, whales and turtles. What I saw whet my appetite to return to those places and see them again for real in my own boat – one day, I hope! 

I would not want to go back to working on boats unless I choose to take a different path and be an instructor. The boats I worked on were generally only “live-aboard” when the guests were onboard, so unlike some crew I had living expenses ashore, but then again I could get home to my own bed too! On the boats I was on, there weren’t really any toys to play with for water-sports so I didn’t have that luxury either – not that I’m that fussed to be honest – I have some pleasant memories of hurtling round on a jet ski and whizzing around in the jet tender, plus a few brief swims (the briefest of which was by the cemetery at St Tropes – jeez that was cold!).

I like watching Below Deck it has to be said. Although of course it is a reality show and they rarely show “reality” – there’s little drama in people being professional and doing their jobs without being drama queens is there?! So obviously the only thing in common with real crew is that they are in a boat! It is hilarious at times ... or maybe that’s cringe-worthy?!

The reality of being a stewardess is that you have to be able to smile even when you are being presented with a total jerk and have probably been up for eighteen hours! You have to clean incessantly, like you have the worst case of OCD going – no really! In fact the way a stewardess cleans would make someone with OCD look positively filthy. Everything is done to the minutest detail, with toothpicks, bits of tissues and ear bud for god’s sake. In some boats the carpets are combed! The cushions all have to be plumped just so, towels have to be rolled, loo roll triangled. You have to clean even when it looks clean and probably hasn’t had a chance to get dirty. There can’t be a fingerprint left unpolished. Taps/screens have to be spotless, not a water spot in sight, mirrors gleaming (oh the dismay of cleaning a mirror to spotless perfection for half an hour of elbow grease, only to find when the light source is changed the damn thing is still smeared!). Then there’s the horrors of the shower grids and the drains, the deep joy of getting drain hair out without vomiting! And if the boat has no stabilisers then there is the wonder of getting down on hands and knees and cleaning up the yellow spots round the toilet where owner and guests have missed in the seaway, (not helped by the fact they’re often drunk too) and that’s if you’re lucky – you might find the whole puddle sloshing around the outside of the toilet; repeatedly, if you are on passage or in an unsheltered anchorage.

If there are kids onboard welcome to the never ending ironing and washing of designer baby gear (at least twenty outfit changes a day!), intermingled with trying to clear the glass doors and surfaces of sticky finger marks, or trying to clean a cream carpet of orange juice and coffee (normally just after it’s been professionally steam cleaned!). It’s also often down to the stewardess (if there is no nanny – or at least a boat savvy one) to watch that they don’t end up overboard, since it’s a rare boat where the parents actually bother to!

It’s quite likely you will have all kinds of attitude to deal with, from the toast being “too crispy”, to the boat facing the wrong way, or the water being the wrong kind of blue – you’re basically dealing with people who always get their own way, and who have little sense of perspective, they are the Gods of their little Universe so just you make damn sure it is all as they expected! Some of them have no compunction in throwing fits or things at you! But then occasionally you meet ones who are so nice and in awe of it all that they make your heart melt and your day that much better. To some everything is “Lovely” and they make it worthwhile. One guest I had onboard was there for four days and every word out of her mouth was “lovely” – I have no idea of her name now, she’s just “Mrs Lovely”!!

On some boats the owners are nice or perhaps I should say humble. They have done well in life but they are humble with it, they are the best, but possibly rare. Even rarer are the ones who treat you like family! Unfortunately I only actually met the N ones who treated me like the family from hell but that's another story! Some of the Captains are bloody awful with almost as much or more of a God complex than the owners, and some are downright dangerously incompetent. Been there, done that with the God complex/complete incompetent! Hopefully his aspirations have left the yachting world, as the owners of any boats he was on won’t fair too well wallet-wise, given his ability to be completely ignorant of mechanics, along with a highly irresponsible attitude – “I never bother to learn anything – what’s the point? Each problem will be different anyway!”. 

There are a few of the idiot breed of Captain (I think there must be a sea school at Tosser del Mar churning them out!) and that can make it hard for the stews – and there’s the randy sort too! The kind of behaviour that in an office environment would bring heavy penalties/the sack to the culprits, is quite probably just a way of life onboard many boats, without any hope of the usual redress. Then there’s the fact that many owners choose their crew by looks – you’ll find boats that only take on blondes with long legs or brunettes with model looks! And age is certainly a factor in many Captain/owners choice of crew – this is why most boat crews look like they stepped out of some glamorous advert!  And then on some you have to pass the owners criteria, the Captains ego and the Captain's wife's insecurities too.

And there aren’t many jobs where the boss sidles up to you half naked and thinks it’s OK to lean his sweaty fat belly on your arm to chat about the lunch details!

So, to the glamour of the job? Well I suppose in some instances you can rub shoulders with the rich and famous, (and wash their underpants!). You can travel and see the world even if a lot of it is seen from the galley window whilst ironing said underpants. If you on the right kind of boat you might get to play with the toys when the owner/guests aren’t onboard and you might get a stack of money for doing so – obviously if you live onboard a big boat you have the perfect opportunity to save enough money to change your future in a way no office job could. But then you won’t be working office hours, and if you work it out down to the hour, it’s probably not quite as great as it sounds initially.

But what it is, is an amazing and enlightening experience and you won’t be quite the same as before you started. But it’s no picnic, so if you think you want to be a stewardess to swan around on some big boat and live a glamorous lifestyle and party with the rich folk, forget it (you need to look up Hook-a-SugarDaddy.com and find a rich bloke with a boat for that lifestyle princess!).

Even with the downsides and the arseholes and the drain hair, it still beats a dismal job in Dullstown though and everyone needs to earn a living somehow! Your friends will be dead jealous and think you sunbathe all day and won’t understand it at all! You'll get to see the world in a way those who have never left home will ever do, and you will meet all types amongst the crew and guests. Travel always expands the mind and that is one of the best things you can possibly do.

I don’t often miss it these days; I walk past the boats in the port and watch the crews in action and am so glad I now have no “owner” and that my time is my own. But I do miss that thrill of the passarelle leaning across the gap to a new destination and that exhilarating step ashore to find the wonder in a new place - one can really miss that … but honestly, did I mention the drain hair? That scars you for life!

 

MP ;-)

Mariella's Turmeric tea

I have two versions of Turmeric tea that I take several times a week – to be honest when I was writing Learning To Fly I was rather surprised to notice that my sessions after Turmeric tea were far easier since the elusive words that many times I struggle to find, seemed to miraculously pop into my head without pause after a nice Turmeric brew! Strange but true!

 

With water –

For one tumbler sized glass or mug.

1tsp of Turmeric (called Curcuma in Spain) – I use organic.

1tsp of organic honey

1 pinch of black pepper

1tsp of coconut oil

Around 300ml of water (or mug sized!)

Boil water pour in mug/glass stir well. Top up with cold if required.

 

With coconut milk –

Fill mug/tumbler then pour in small pan and heat over low heat.

Add all the above ingredients (omitting the water and coconut oil).

Serve when steaming lightly.

 

You can add cinnamon or ginger if you like.

 Many alternative health sites suggest Turmeric has anti-cancer properties as does organic raw honey, so what better way to have some preventative medicine! It is also said to be anti-inflammatory.

Yummy! Speaking of which, I just have time to make one before I pop to Aldi!

;-) MP

 

Depression VS Allopathic Healthcare

There is an interesting meme often seen on Facebook that says if you are depressed, take a look around you and see if you are in fact surrounded by arseholes! It has to be said in my experience there is a lot of truth in that.

When I first thought I was going slowing mad (in 1999), which then was revealed as depression, it is fair to say I was living in an abusive situation without any clue that that was my reality. I thought there was something wrong with me – that is after all the N modus operandi! I was told I was only fit to be locked away in the loony asylum!  

After a near miss with suicide (an experience I have mentioned in The Key) I ran to the doctor. There I was prescribed anti-depressants and told my brain chemicals were out of whack. I was “patted on the back” and sent on my way, with two appointments with the psychologist. The first week I was like a zombie, I barely had the energy to open my eyelids, however once that first week past I was high as a kite for about three months!

The appointments with the psychologist didn’t even scratch the surface of the problem. There was no mention as to whether my home situation was the problem. Indeed more was made out of my deceased father and grandmother than the present moment I was in. And at no point was Narcissism mentioned. After two sessions the psychologist left, my appointments did not continue with anyone else and I was left to keep taking my pills like a good girl (and coughing up the Prescription charge of course!).

After approximately six months I decided I wanted to come off the tablets. My life had changed, not my home situation but I had a new focus to make life brighter as I had discovered Spain and had plans that were taking my mind off the situation at home (albeit I was still not consciously aware it was “a situation” – that N brainwashing again!). I had found new things to do and a new project to focus on.

What actually followed was two and a half years of hell as I tried to get off the Seroxat. It was probably a couple of years after I managed to get myself off it that the BBC started airing Panorama programmes about the withdrawal effects and others side effects of Seroxat!

What I experienced was hell. In order to wean myself off it, I had to cut the tablets down by the merest fragments (practically a grain) and do a week or two on the reduced dose – hence why it took so long to achieve – until a form of equilibrium was achieved that I could dare another reduction. Each first and second day on the reduced dose was akin to suffering sea sickness the whole day (kind of odd in an office environment!). If I moved my head the wave of nausea and dizziness would floor me. Some days it was too much to bear, so I used to have to carry grains of the tablets to take if the withdrawal symptoms were too strong. Basically out of every fortnight, I’d have two or more days feeling like death – every fortnight for two and half years.

I have wondered since if it would have been possible to go cold turkey with it and suffer maybe for a week or so, but the gravity of the withdrawal from the minutest reduction rather put me off, plus I had a new job and no one about the depression (I didn’t dare tell anyone as mother suggested I’d be the mental outcast if I dared show that weakness!) At the same time other symptoms crept in such as day and night panics attacks which I never had before. The night ones were terrifying. Oddly I believe the medication was supposedly for use with panic attacks!

Eventually I got off the damn stuff, but not before mentioning to the doctor who gleefully suggested “why not stay on them?” “What? For life?” was my staggered reply. She beamed at me in response, “Yes, why not?”  Really, it is no wonder people are sick in this world when the doctors cannot conceive of healing, only pushing drugs! Thankfully I have more sense than that doctor and stuck to my guns and got of the disgusting stuff. Just as an aside, I have no doubt most doctors have the best of intentions going into doctoring, but so did the ones in the middle ages who used to drill holes in people’s heads to let the demons out when they had a fever!

It therefore makes me wonder how many people are living in situations that are making them ill, that are being peddled pills to “solve” it! OK, they may become blissfully numb to their plight and their situation but surely a better response is to heal them, not drug them? But then again that is the attitude currently; push pills rather than taking an in-depth look at the whole situation which in many cases would elicit answers and a possibility for true healing.

Therefore the “look around you – are you surrounded by arseholes” meme makes a lot of sense. Also I do not believe the propaganda that says you are depressed because of an imbalance in brain chemicals, in fact the opposite is probably true, the chemicals are out of balance because you’re depressed. Something is responsible for the imbalance in brain chemicals and that is to do with the emotions you are experiencing on a daily basis. If you are “putting up and shutting up” or reducing any of yourself or your freedom of self-expression because of the people around you, that is the cause, and to be honest that will never heal from being drugged – which is probably why so often the dosage has to be upped for people to maintain equilibrium, meanwhile the arseholes continue being arseholes!

I have been depressed about four or five times with two or three edging towards suicidal thoughts. Four of those times were situation related and due to my reaction to the situation and a stifling of self, and in one instance, extreme self-pity due to a break-up and a situation that I really had no business focussing on! Once was merely because I neglected to get enough Vitamin D prior to the winter and ended up in trouble because of it (now I know not to remain behind a computer screen ad-infinitum) but to get some sun and a good Vitamin D3/K2 blend. I always have some 5-HTP on hand just in case, and it can be taken or stopped without any negative effects unlike the prescription drugs.

So before you take the pills, look around you honestly – are you stifling yourself for arseholes? Can you do anything about that? If you really can’t and need a boost I found 5-HTP to do the trick (even in a really really bad depression where I doubted it would touch it, it still brought me back from the brink within two days.). Once a level of positivity has returned, decisions can be made. Sometimes it’s not easy to move or change a situation but you can change how you feel about it until something concrete can be done to move on.

If you are stuck with living with N’s it is just as much about your reaction to them as it is their behaviour. The best way is not to react. And when you can get out, get out! In a situation such as working for arseholes, it can be improved by merely not focusing on them being arseholes and take each day moment by moment.  The power of your mind really can make the difference between insufferable and bearable, or dare I say it, contentment. The only way to improve is to change your point of focus. Negative thoughts attract negative thoughts and it is all too easy to spiral down until you are in a dark well you think you’ll never leave. The only way to leave is to notice and appreciate all the things you have to be positive about. Once you start that, changes can be made.

When I was at home with my N mother, struggling and praying to find a way out it was often difficult to find anything to be positive about. N’s are just like The Wraith (Stargate Atlantis) or The Dementors (Harry Potter) they suck the life out of everything, but once you realise you don’t have to imitate them with their negative attitudes and find the positive aspects of your day, soon a shift occurs. I felt stuck for five years in England with mother, (just after the Seroxat era) and because of the negative environment where let’s face it N’s just love complaining, I was getting like her for cynicism and pessimism. But I realised that that was not me, it never had been, I found good things to focus on and a shift happened – things started to get better and within a year of changing my point of focus, suddenly all the things that had been preventing me, cleared away and I moved. I escaped and life got better.

Unfortunately I believe prescribed antidepressants do little more than numb people out to make it vaguely palatable for them to stay in the toxic situations that have created their depressions, rather than finding a way out of their situation, and until the whole spectrum of the person’s situation and diet is looked at (rather than a one pill fits all approach to a “chemical imbalance”) many thousands more will be condemned to living in a numb misery without any hope for change. Depression really is the sum total of your day to day living situation, your reaction to it and quite likely diet plays a big part too, what with the chemicals in processed food and lack of nutrients in what the majority of people eat daily. I don’t suppose turning to a nice comforting sugar-laced donut is really helping!

For many years I thought I was over depression, that being in Spain would prevent it but now I am not so cocky … it may recur in my lifetime, and it did recur with a vengeance in 2014, but I now know that even in the worst of times I would never go to the doctor and get prescribed anti-depressants. My go to would be 5-HTP, Vitamin D3/K2, some exercise and any number of other herbs/spices that have known anti-depressant properties e.g. Turmeric. So now I’ve mentioned that, how about some Turmeric tea? (See next blog entry)

The joys of Mallorca –

Sometimes it is easy to overlook the wonder of living in this amazing island, and just how lucky I am to be here. Work is one minute from a lovely beach in a small deep bay and so I can often spend my lunch hour walking around it enjoying the view or sitting under the palm trees, seeing boats sailing past. Last week when I had my lunchtime stroll I was reminded of how often I yearned to see the Mediterranean when I was young (I didn’t get on a plane until I was 26! – all my childhood holidays were spent on muddy caravan sites in rainy British Isles!). After all, for some it is on their “bucket list”. So for all my yearnings to travel and see the world, actually I am in a pretty good place until that conspires to happen.

For so many years when I was praying for things to work out to move here, I used to dribble at the pictures in my various Mallorca books. One forgets of all the amazing places there are to see here.

It reminded me of seeing the film Evil Under The Sun with Peter Ustinov, way back when I lived in dismal Croydon in my teens. I had a 5” black and white TV and I remember seeing the glory of a Mediterranean island on that brilliant Agatha Christie film. I didn’t know it was Mallorca at the time – the credits were too damn small to read! LOL! But it looked like heaven and I hoped that one day I’d see places like it. It remained in my memory for a long time, and later I saw it in colour – it became one of my favourite films. The really funny thing is when I first moved here I watched it again and realised it had been filmed in the next place along to the town I was living in. Now I can’t imagine what I’d have thought if someone had told me I’d end up living there, when I first saw the film so long ago – I doubt I’d have believed it!

It is a great film for showing the beauty of Mallorca, and the hotel owned by “Daphne” (Dame Maggie Smith) was a house at Calo d’en Monjo which is no longer there although you can see the foundations. They also used the beautiful cala at Deia which is a feature of many films filmed here too!

Every now and again you have to remind yourself that people pay to come on holiday here and I live here permanently. Not of course, that that is always easy, but it is worth the struggle it sometimes is. Somehow things seem possible here, I feel better here than I ever did in England (or do when I return to visit – which is rather a rare occurrence now).

Other films that showcase the beauty of Mallorca are Four Last Songs with Stanley Tucci, The Magi with Michael Caine (if you can find it), Cloud Atlas, and recently the 6-part series The Night Manager was filmed here (and fantastic that was too!). 

My love affair with Spelt & Spelt Yorkshire Puddings

Due to long-running problems with eczema I finally had an allergy test last year and guess what? Apparently I’m not allergic to anything! Wow! So why then do I eat wheat and get bloated, itchy and blotchy within hours? 

As chance would have it (as is so often the case when one thirsts for knowledge), I started to come across information that it’s not the wheat/gluten that is the problem. It is in fact the glyphosate or weed killer that is sprayed on crops such as wheat and oats just prior to harvest that is emerging as the culprit. All those grains have had a lovely bath in weed killer and that therefore ends up in everything wheat/oat based (some other crops too no doubt). 

Since swapping out wheat for spelt and choosing organic spelt and organic oats my skin problem has greatly reduced (no doubt some wheat creeps in, in packet sauces, sausages and odd things like that!). The benefit of spelt is that it doesn’t seem to bloat either, so gone are the days of looking like you swallowed a basketball after one burger bun! And another great benefit of spelt (which does have gluten in it by the way, but an easier digestible form) is that you can pretty much swap it for wheat without fiddling with recipes too much.

A recent success has been Spelt Yorkshire puddings, so for Mariella’s fabulous sage-infused spelt Yorkshire puddings, see below:

 

Ingredients:

100 grams spelt flour (white or whole, either works)

3 eggs

150 ml milk

Pinch of salt (I use pink salt)

1 Tsp of powdered dried sage

Ground pepper (just a sprinkle or more if you like it)

 

Method

Preheat oven at 220degs C and put roughly ¼ tsp of oil in bottom of 12 hole tin (coconut oil if can spare it, olive if not!). Put it in oven until it is HOT HOT HOT!

Set the wrack at about middle to allow room for these beasts to rise!

I use a blender and put the liquid in first and add the flour slowly last, beat until smooth and set it aside for ten/fifteen minutes.

Once oil is ready, pour the batter into the tin to fill each hole about ¼. Cook for about ten minutes until golden brown. DO NOT open oven door to peek or they’ll go flat.

Enjoy!

 

This recipe can be used for Toad in the Hole too. I recently made it with some lovely Lidl Rostbratwurst sausages, in individual circular terracotta dishes. You can put the oil and sausages in oven briefly to get hot then add the batter and hey presto Toad in the Hole ten minutes later! The batter is enough for two big portions or three smaller appetites!


MP ;-)

I'm missing a boat! -

I’m missing a boat – I was pondering recently the things that make me happy, and trying to work out how to include more of that in life (on a budget!). What makes my heart sing? I realised the best time I had was when I had a boat. The 18ft I had was the best fun I had. I never used to go clubbing or pubbing or anything like that. My money was spent on my boat and that made me feel great. It’s been nine years since I had a boat, three years since I’ve been on one. I don’t want to go back to cleaning rich people’s hair out of the drain anymore but I’d like to feel the exhilaration of sailing again. I went out for a walk yesterday evening and ended up standing where a breeze was blowing straight in my face, and all of a sudden I could feel what it used to be like sailing along. I got quite lost, standing there, eyes shut “standing at the wheel and gliding along” with just the wind whistling past your ears. If anyone saw me they might have wondered what the leaning was about as I imagined putting in a tack! LOL! But for a few minutes I was there on a boat and feeling my heart sing! I definitely want to feel that again. I shall have to work on my manifestation skills I guess! – although, it puts you in a bit of a dilemma – should I be visualising myself on small boat on my own, or on a nicer boat with nice man?! Does one version cancel out the other?

The N Legacy -

The N Legacy – Recently a friend of mine who is training to be a counsellor asked me if I could write a couple of paragraphs about how life with Narcissistic parents had affected me. I soon realised that it is impossible to describe the effects of a lifetime with Narcissists in two mere paragraphs – two pages possibly! Also how does one word something that in some cases is so subtle as to be imperceptible to outsiders? If you are unfortunate enough to be birthed by a N, she will train you from birth to be her “supply” and then even the slightest facial movement, such as the stiffening of a lip, a slight narrowing of the eye can have you where you have been brainwashed to be: toeing the N line and being their chew toy – that is the power they have over you.

Their abusive legacy however is so huge I have to wonder whether a whole lifetime is enough time to fully recover and discover just what parts of you have been damaged and altered by them. I may never know the full extent to which my thoughts and actions have been forged by the N behaviour in my earlier years.

What I do know is that you can heal and live happily and shake off a lot of the issues and brainwashing that may have held you back. It is entirely possible to love yourself, trust yourself and feel great and live the life of your dreams. But it takes consistent effort. Nothing comes for free and it may take years but each day is a step for the better. At the beginning it may seem like climbing Everest, but keep putting one foot in front of the other and soon a dramatic change can be felt. My journey to sanity and self-esteem (and my dreams) started one day in 2006 (I was still at home with N mother at the time) but it was then I began to pull myself out of the mire. Ten years later a lot has happened, some good, some less good, but I am not the person I was back when I started. There was a lot I wish I’d known then, this change might have been a bit quicker, but it all comes in good time. 

Old Blog Posts pre May 2016 (that somehow got lost!!)

April 24th 2016 – random thoughts and updates!

 

Almost two years have passed since I last wrote in this blog. I don’t have internet at home so that’s my excuse! Plus I feel guilty writing about stuff that isn’t a book and I have a 9-5 job and need some time to try and enjoy life outside of that. Well that’s my excuse!

 

I thought of deleting all the previous stuff and starting afresh but there is some value in what I already wrote so I’ll leave it be. It may be of use to someone.

 

I am in two minds about writing about the whole Narcissism thing as on the one hand I wish to help and educate others to the N’s foul ways, yet on the other hand I now find it is better to focus on more positive things rather than remember or dwell too much on the past. It is a funny old life where my experiences have given me my mission for the future yet it also is not something I want to drag with me. I guess we’ll just have to see how it goes.

 

I realised yesterday that it is quite likely the whole N thing has been a long-running theme in my family and I am probably the first to cotton on to this and say “No”! Ironically though due to the nature of my upbringing and the stage in life that I have realised all this, the family line will probably now end with me too. I believe my grandmother was an N and had an enabling husband who my mother thought was a god – but what God would allow his wife to run roughshod over his daughter’s happiness? (My mother claims she gave up the love of her life because her mother told her she’d disown her, allegedly mother couldn’t bear the thought of being unable to see her father! Personally I think it was more about the money and that N “ideal love” thing ... but what decent father would actually allow his daughter’s happiness to be destroyed? He can only have been a spineless enabler!) Going back through other things I have been told about his mother it sounds like she was N too. So here we are at the end of a long line of dysfunction and I guess I am the first to walk away and say I DESERVE BETTER!

 

I am still not in the stage of forgiveness, but maybe one day!

 

I have written another book, it is called Learning To Fly and has a new main character Sabrina, and Lily and Captain Bryce have returned to continue their adventures, as well as a few other faces in The Key. I feel I have reflected the nature of this island; that known characters pop up and continue their stories. The story is again set on a yacht in Mallorca, because both the yachting industry and this island give a rich seam of characters and stories as inspiration! I am still editing the story but I hope to get it on Kindle shortly. My dream is for the books to become films, which leads me on to one of my dreams ...

 

I have always wanted to be in a film, or to see a film or TV show being made. Once upon a time I wanted to be an actress but my parents’ attitude that actresses were little more than flaky, exhibitionistic prostitutes rather put paid to that! I’d probably have been disowned for even mentioning it! My hope is that my books will bring this dream to me at least in some way. I’d love to see them made … and I seriously hope they’d be made here. I have written about this beautiful island for a reason! Hopefully it wouldn’t be too long as I have one person in mind for one specific character and I want it to happen before they’re too old, but I won’t say who as it might give away a key plot if I did!

 

I recently saw a job for a week as an extra which quite frankly would be pretty cool. However the old ego is still having fights and trying to keep me in my old ways. I had a constant raging argument in my head about what a bad idea it was! It wasn’t a bad idea, it was me trying to make a step to break out of the old life and habits, but it brought up a lot of fears. Some I have tried to deal with, with the Living Lens. It doesn’t seem to have come to fruition as I have not heard but then I think the turmoil I felt may have affected it. So maybe not this time, but perhaps next time! The ego was trying tell me the old chestnut “you’re not good enough!” Who knows? Maybe they were casting for Spanish peasants or big German women? A petite blonde might not have fitted the bill. Maybe they will next time and maybe it will be some really cool Hollywood film being made!

 

Life feels rather unfulfilling at the moment. The working week is now very definitely not how I want to be living. I am really feeling the need to follow my creative side as that is where I am most happiest! I sat contemplating this on the beach under a palm tree the other day. I know where I want to be and what I want to be doing but quite how I get from this to that I have no idea. I mentioned it to Tony Mills yesterday and he said you don’t have to know! Just that it will. I guess I need to remember that! I get caught up in the daily thought of why is my life not changing, which I guess in terms of the Law of Attraction is RESISTANCE! And as the Borg say Resistance is Futile!!

I guess I need to have a little more faith in the Universe. I know things come together, it’s happened before! It is hard though when you feel completely unfulfilled and almost feel like each day is a total waste of potential and that in many ways, are reliving aspects of life of years ago! Pretty much I am in the same situation I was when I first started work, working for someone who pays me when they feel like it and with a character like my Dad! No doubt there is some lesson in this, but I haven’t figured it out yet!

 

However it is encouraging me to pursue my enjoyments at least. One of my biggest enjoyments was sailing and that is not possible at the moment, so I have to find other things. I got a bike recently so I go for cycle rides at the weekend and enjoy the scenery. Another thing I used to love was roller skating but somewhere along the way I ended up terrified of that. I have decided to give it another go.

When I first started I just got on the skates and I went, no worries, no fears. Now though I seem to have this big old checklist to get through first! Crash pants, knee pads, helmet, wrist guards, gloves! Followed by finding a place where no one will see me! Maybe all this fear is ridiculous? I’m not sure where it came from. I am not sure at what point skating became such a “dangerous” idea in my mind. I am really afraid of falling over and hurting myself, when I don’t think I ever did as a child. I know this is something to do with my parents fearful attitudes. (It was only because my friend gave me skates I ever got started at 10! – they thought it was too dangerous! They had a bit of a shock when they found I could do it and had been doing it at X’s house! And my grandmother was apparently a champ!). I was pondering today where all this fear came from, I never used to be such a fearful creature: I’d be across the monkey bars, up trees, skating, playing on the rocks, jumping off high diving boards and all that stuff ... so when did I lose that? Why did I lose that?

It occurred to me that sometime around my teens that somehow these things stopped. I wonder if it was my parents’ really boring attitude that “fun” was childish, maybe it was conditioned out of me. But I do not want to be the po-faced middle-aged misery they were. Their fun was watching the news! They never did anything! I have memories of my mother sneering about “making a spectacle of yourself” and so now I fear trying new things (or restarting old things) because of that! I decided to clear that with the Living Lens today “fear making a spectacle of myself”! I don’t know why they were such po-faced miseries, I was looking up pictures earlier of people skating in the 1920s -1950s so similar era to  them and there are fully grown adults in hats and coats skating happily, so it’s not about their age or their generation, people even then knew how to have fun! I mean skating in a full overcoat and massive overblown hat? How’s that for a spectacle!

Anyway I’m going to give it a go again, I really used to love it and I guess I really need to make up for 20+ years of hardly any fun with po-faced miseries!! I’ll wear the safety gear because everyone’s got to start somewhere, right?! There’s plenty of people that do it here for fun, so why not?

 

Yesterday I was sad as Tony and Annie are leaving Mallorca to start a new life in England. I will miss them and going to their place in the countryside. It has been one of the few things I felt I had to look forward to lately, so it is a blow that they are going. It was always so good to get together with like-minded people and speak freely about ones beliefs without feeling people are going to think you are barking mad! It is the nature of this place though. People come, people go. You make new friends and then they go! Hopefully something equally as good will come along to fill that void and hopefully they find what they are looking for and have the happiness and success they deserve in England!

 

Anyway, time is creeping on ...

Ciao for now

MP ;-)


08 March 2014 – Finding “Mariella”

 

When I was writing the book, I had this vision in my head of “Mariella” that was every bit as clear as the characters in the book. I knew what I was, and how I struggled with the toxic legacy of the psychological abuse I’d suffered that clouded my perception of ...well EVERYTHING. I knew I didn’t want to be that me in the fog anymore, scared, depressed etc. I wanted to be what I could be, not what I had been. I created this vision of all that I would wish to be, and that became “Mariella Poole”. Sometimes I would wonder if I could ever manage to be that, sometimes it seemed almost impossible, but I realised today that I have become that vision of how I wished to be.

 

Somehow, the Universe accepted my challenge and found the way to provide it. Now the journey over the past year has been very rocky at times, perilous even; at some points over the past few months I was on my knees in despair, thinking I could not last another second. Life was throwing me very painful lessons and situations, but somehow I managed to hang on. December was a hell I never wish to go through again. However somehow the hope remained even if there were some days when I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, I could barely believe hope could still exist. At my core though I suppose I did not want to give up, I had invested too much to give up, even if as each second ticked by, it felt like torture.

 

Looking back at what has happened to me over the last year, I can almost see a plan to it.  Fate if you like. There were people and situations, that as horrible as it was, I can see were all lessons pointing me the way. Some of the worst things have somehow brought about the best things! Some of the things that felt like they were killing me ended up providing me with opportunities and meetings I would never have found otherwise. And in all this, one Narcissist (unbeknown to them) led me to two situations that have the potential to change my life forever and could well allow my vision of the future I wanted to become reality! (Perhaps the Universe has an ironic sense of humour?)

 

That one person (who would probably hate me if they knew) has inadvertently led me not only to find Tony Mills, whose miracle work with the Living Lens has transformed me into the vision of Mariella Poole that I wanted to be; the vision of myself that I wanted to be - but also through another  occurrence  I was at the right place/time to find something that is currently looking like a very good opportunity to get me exactly where I want to be (I may go into this at a later date!) and both of those things were what I hoped/dreamed of back a year ago. The really fabulous thing is that with the combination of these occurrences, I have now found my power and my inner peace and realise that those pesky Narcissists have no power over me anymore!

 

It is amazing the difference I feel. I feel as if I have emerged from a fog. The N’s who ruled my life, and my fears, are no more. The fears are no more. All the doubts about myself that have been ingrained by N’s or activated by other N’s now have gone. In some ways I almost want to go and thank them (yes I know that is a bit bizarre!) but it’s like “Hey guys you played your villainous parts perfectly, I see my lessons, I learnt them and now I know your N ways can never affect me again. And boy is that freedom!

 

I was pondering this today at an event I went to. I probably would never have gone to something like it before, I would have been too afraid to put myself out there, too afraid to meet new people, and I certainly would never have felt part of it – that is one thing I realise now, whenever I went anywhere I carried this inferiority complex around that kept me separate, so I never felt a part of anything. That feeling has gone. I didn’t feel inferior; I didn’t feel like I would be disliked, I felt part of things.

It is so nice to meet new people and to be able to sit and talk to them without any kind of negative chatterbox sitting on your shoulder constantly saying, “they’ll probably hate you anyway!” I can now meet new people with nothing in my head other than curiosity about them, which certainly makes it easier to talk. I almost think my shyness is disappearing too! I don’t need it any more.

 

Today I am excited as I can see the process of what has happened and it brings with it a hope for the future. The things have been put in my path to bring me to what I wanted to be (and dreamt of being) during the process of writing the book over 2012/2013. If all this has happened (and believe me it really feels miraculous!) I have to wonder where is it going, am I on a journey to my wildest dreams, am I being prepared for that? It all seems possible right now!

 

I knew I wanted to be what I have become (over the past month), yet I barely would have thought such a transformation was possible - even if an alien had taken me up in his ship and given me a brain/personality transplant I would not have expected to feel so different as I do now, it is that incredible, that mind blowing!   The only negative feeling I have at the moment is the thought of all those I met in years gone by, to whom I may have seemed cool or aloof – all of which was because I felt inferior! So if anyone out there met me before the 2nd Feb 2014 and thought I was cold, aloof, unsociable, closed off, shut down etc – Sorry about that! I was buried by emotional baggage and could not see anything clearly! I was not “me” when I met you before so my sincere apologies!

 

I am enjoying life right now in a way I would never have thought possible. Just three months ago this feeling would have been unimaginable to me! However it seems incredible things can happen... so I’ll keep envisioning how far I’d like this to go .... and who knows what I may be writing in a year’s time!

Finding “Mariella” within me has been great, but there is still more for her to become, for me to become!

 

MP ;-)

 

01 March – Feeling the Grief

 

I have had four sessions with The Living Lens now and it has made so much of a difference to the way I feel it is almost miraculous. It is so profound it is almost impossible to describe just what an effect it has had. However my cousin (ever amazingly perceptive) said to me “So it’s like you are now your confident ‘twin sister’” and I would add to that, “Yes it is – it is like I have suddenly become my confident ‘twin sister’, who would have been the product of a loving, supportive home.” So yes I am still fundamentally me, but instead of the shaky foundations of self-doubt, self-torture etc there is a now solidity, an inner knowing that says “Hey I am just fine, I will be OK”. I can see I am approaching social situations that would once have fazed me with a newfound confidence. Yes, I am still quiet in situations that are new to me, but now I am not eaten up with doubt, I am not sitting there in a torture of “Oh god what are they thinking of me, I am so unworthy”  - and the ones who are a little two-faced (there is always one N around the bloody place!) I am watching in amusement, rather than feeling horrible that they have been two-faced to me! It isn’t about me anyway, clearly I have just activated some of their issues and that’s their problem!

 

However as the title of this little missive says I have been feeling the grief for the past couple of days!

It’s like the new feeling has highlighted just how bad I used to feel, and shown me just how much I self-sabotaged myself because of my self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness. I spent so many years stuck at ‘home’ in an abusive environment, and my only hope then was the dream of finding a new life, a partner, etc. After too many years of my own personal hell I did find that, I found someone who was everything I ever dreamt of, and a new life in Spain that was everything I could have wished for. For five years I had everything I could ever have dreamt of back in those dark days back ‘home’ – sadly what I can see now is that I was so trapped by my inner demons, so fearful that I was what my parents said I was, that despite the goodness of the man I fell in love with and the obvious kindness etc, right from the start I was convinced I was unworthy and probably would not last very long!

 

Actually with the way I felt about myself it is probably a miracle it lasted five years! I can see now that when I met his friends and relations that my inner voice was saying “Don’t let any of these people in, there is no point. He won’t want you for long, so there is no point getting attached to any of them – and they won’t like you anyway.” It was like a fluke that he liked me, so I felt sure I was pushing my luck for any of his friends to feel the same! Then as time went on and I was still miraculously with him, I began to feel guilty for the way I had felt. I had no doubt come across as cool and aloof (or stuck behind a wall of ice as I was told recently) and so I felt sure that they definitely wouldn’t like me for that. By the time I had been in the relationship for four and a half years I felt sure I was going to be dumped imminently anyway and so although I was in a better place because of the passage of time and wanted to be friendly and normal to his relatives, by then I was utterly convinced I was soon going to be gone anyway!

During the five year relationship we moved into a house. It had been my dream house (even down to the orange tree and the bougainvillea!) and in that house everything was supposed to be great; our place, our happy place. I can see now that the moment I moved in I felt unworthy of it. Indeed within a very short time I found myself looking at my cutlery in the drawer or my lamp on the table and thinking to myself, “Well I must remember that’s mine, as I mustn’t forget it when I move out” (!!) - I didn’t want to move out; I loved him, he is still everything I ever wanted, but the inner me that was told she was crap for years just did not feel worthy of him or the wonderful house and she was preparing to move out! How sad is that?! I felt it was all too good for me! That I didn’t truly deserve any of it!

Hence the grief. To know you had found everything you’d dreamt of, everything you ever wanted and then lost it because of the feelings/fears/ beliefs conditioned into you by N parents is a pretty big cross to bear. It is thoroughly sickening, that the feeling they induced in me caused me to lose everything I ever wanted. I fear I may never get it again or even come close! And it was all destroyed because my parents pinned their beliefs and their insecurities on me. I was never what they told me I was, they made me believe I was what they were; their insecurities, their unworthiness, their unsociability, their distrust of people, their self-hatred. I never was those things, but I believed all of it and lost everything I ever wanted because of it. I mean it’s kind of hard to keep loving someone who feels like they will be booted out the door at any moment! If you fear you are about to being booted out you can’t open up, you can’t let your true magnificence shine! You can’t be you! Your subconscious is telling them with your every action that you are not worth the effort!

 

I just hope this grief feeling is part of the healing process. No doubt it has to come out and be cleared away so that the new (or improved) can come in! It is interesting that on my own I can cry for three hours straight! It is something that I was unable to do in childhood or early adulthood when at ‘home’. My feelings had to be hidden so I guess the sadness stayed in. Even in my relationship I never showed any negative emotions, I kept all that hidden. I guess over time there has been a lot of grief building up, now I have the time and the solitude to be able to let it all out, let it all go. I guess ultimately this time is about releasing all of it... if I had been with a partner at the moment I would not have felt free to cry for three hours, certainly not two days running! So in all things there are reasons. Despite the fact I feel I lost my relationship because of the above, at the same time I know this has propelled me to resolve my issues with myself, so ultimately it is for the greater good! It was necessary. I have to have faith that it was not wasted, that good will return to my life and I will live my dreams again, and this time I won’t lose them because of the relentless negative chatterbox voices telling me I am crap!

 

Oh well I am off to a party this afternoon, so who knows what that will bring?

 

MP ;-)

 

 

Tony Mills and The Living Lens

 

I have had three sessions with Tony Mills and his Living Lens and the results have been amazing.

 

I feel like all the conditioning and abuse has been lifted off me leaving me about three tons lighter.

 

The treatment/therapy uncovers all the beliefs/emotions and conditioning that has been placed on you by your parents (and along the line of their parents and their parents’ parents) and resolves it. In an hour session you can fix numerous problems that a conventional psychologist could spend years trying to get to the root of and probably never resolve satisfactorily. There were fears and beliefs I didn’t even have the vaguest notion I had. Nevertheless they have been dealt with.

 

The good thing is after the initial session you can notice what other sorts of fears and beliefs you have, check them and resolve them and all their associate issues immediately, and it doesn’t even require talking about your history or your problems - although you do have to say various phrase/affirmations/mantras - which is great for those who may be a little uncomfortable talking about their past, especially if it was abusive and painful.

 

I can already feel myself thinking differently and I am more than pleased to report that the negative chatterbox that has been part of my inner dialogue for circa 30 years has pretty much packed its bags and left. In its place there appears to be a positive voice instead (Miracle!).

 

It has been commented on by friends that I have not seen for a couple months that I am more confident, open and seeming so much better than the version of me that preceded – the one that sadly was blocked up behind a brick wall through fear; fear of not being good enough thanks to so much Narcissistic abuse! The energy around me is now different and I can see it even in some strangers reactions!

 

It is like for years I have been looking through a muddy filter at life, and at myself. This not only helps you to be the true authentic version of you as you were supposed to be, it clears the mud so you can see all your own merits/value for the first time in your life.

 

For years I have been reading books by Louise Hay and Diana Cooper, indeed they helped me on my path towards recovery and gave me a tremendous boost. However what I achieved in six years, was nothing in comparison to the result of just 3 and a half hours with the Living Lens.

 

Tony Mills is a miracle worker.

 

 

 

 

 

Can Narcissists or Sociopaths “be nice”?

 

Yes they can be... if they see fit; if it fits in with their carefully cultured “public” image or if it gives them what they want!

 

You might imagine from reading about the horrors of N’s or S’s that they are purely monsters. Certainly they are monstrous in much of their behaviour and actions, but they are capable of seeming nice, and being charming.

 

For instance you might find a Narcissist or Sociopath being friendly or charming, giving thoughtful kind comments on Facebook, such as when someone in their circle is in distress and such like. It cultivates a sense of normality that hides the rotten core.

 

They can be charming and sociable in public too.... obviously in order to attract new victims they have to be capable of appearing to fit in with the crowd and being charming enough to attract people to them. In many cases they are so charming in public that many people have no clue as to the reality that lurks under the surface that only comes out behind firmly closed doors. It is this Jekyll and Hyde type behaviour that hides the truth from so many and in so many cases it often only the current victim (or the children) that realises the truth.

 

I remember so often that people who met my mother would think she was charming and lovely. Some of them were so bowled over you could be forgiven for thinking the sun shone out of her arse. I often remember thinking, “How come I don’t see the same? Am I a really awful person that the woman I can see is not what these strangers see?” It took me a long time to realise I saw the truth while they saw the version she chose to portray to them. I saw the rages, the relentless negativity, the cold heart. They saw what she wanted them to see... but for only as long as she could keep up the act. People came and went. Some lasted a little longer than others.

 

Many of them can appear just like normal people, many are apparently upstanding members of the community; on many of the forums you will find adult children of Narcissists or Sociopath totally bemused that their parent was a pillar of the community and all round good guy/girl to everyone outside the front door yet inside they were a totally different character, and totally monstrous. Many will be involved in good causes, perhaps even adopting animals and such like. They cultivate an aura of all round goodness and charm. No doubt some of them do love their animals, their community and the charitable causes they get involved with, but really it is just a thin veneer for an empty rotten core.

 

** Just as an aside I don’t know whether it is a common thing, but one thing I have noticed with several Narcissists that had dogs, was that the dogs were very highly strung and barely trainable, almost unhinged, as if they were reacting to the chaotic energy emanating from their personality disordered owners. I have seen this three times with 3 Narcissists/Sociopaths  - it would be interesting to know if it is a common reaction in pets of N/S’s. **

 

So yes they are capable of niceness and charm, but it does not mean it is anything more than skin deep! Try testing it and you will soon see how deep it really goes!!

 

 

 

 

Thoughts on the disbelief and denial about being in an abusive situation:


One of the things that anyone who has been in an abusive with a Narcissist or a Sociopath have to deal with is denial and disbelief.... their own that is.

I know from my own experience (and helping others who have been in a similar situation) that for some while it is almost impossible to believe that anyone could honestly knowingly treat you the way they are.
When you are someone who is endowed with
A) a conscience
B) empathy
C) a heart
It is almost impossible to believe there are people who do not share those characteristics with you.

For many years although I knew to some level my mother was warped, I did still believe she had the humanity within her to one day truly see what she was doing to me and how she had hurt me. I thought “If only I could help her, if only I could just do ‘xxx’ maybe she'll see, maybe she’ll understand, maybe she’ll change? If I could just do ‘yyy’ maybe she'll appreciate me, honour my feelings and accept me for me?”

I have also seen a friend struggling with these same emotions over a work colleague who had “befriended” her. X was being treated abysmally by the colleague who sadly knew very well the tricks of manipulation (eg poor me, feel sorry for me!). My friend being a decent, kind, loving sort wanted to help her "friend". But instead the woman made her life hell for several years. Reeling her in then exploding and pushing her away again in the most horrible denigrating way (I think she may have been Narcissist with a bit of something else, maybe histrionic!). My friend was bewildered and very upset, but being decent she didn't want to give up on someone who proclaimed to be her friend as she had also been taken in by the woman’s “poor me’s” at the start.

I know of others who have endured this behaviour with partners and spouses. They don't want to give up as they are human and care. They cannot understand the behaviour; they know it is killing them slowly with stress and hurt (and the inevitable stress related health problems) but they still hope they can get through, make a difference, be accepted for who they are.

Sadly though if you find yourself in any kind of relationship with a Narcissist or Sociopath you will NEVER get through to them, for such people are an empty shell devoid of true human feelings or emotion. You will never receive better treatment, they will ALWAYS use you when they see fit, insult you and kick you when you are down, for one simple reason: unlike us folk who are suffering at their hands, they do not:
1) Have a conscience
2) Have empathy
3) Have a heart or love like normal people.

For a Narcissist or Sociopath, the world (and all people in it) serves only to gratify them. They believe they are above everyone else. (Bear in mind in many cases they also believe they are above the law.) The rules others obey are not for the N's or S’s  of this world. Therefore they have no problem using and hurting people. (Get into an argument with an N/S and it is quite clear they believe only their feelings are valid! With my mother it was quite clear she could insult me to the cows come home yet if I said one word to her about her behaviour, you would have thought the world had collapsed- they can dish it out but they sure can't take it).
As they have no empathy, they are incapable of “putting themselves in another’s shoes” so basically they don't give a shit!
The "love" they feel is not true love that others experience. Although they might try and fool you on that, for it is known that N’s often have a grand idealised love who was their one true love (who no doubt is invariably lost to the mists of time because they weren’t’ t a sucker!) - don't be fooled if you dig deep enough even about this "one true love" it is quite apparent it is all more fantasy than reality (something won’t gel with the details!).
The “love” a Narcissist or Sociopath feels is more about control, since their "good" feeling for you is entirely dependent on you doing exactly and being exactly what the N demands -yes demands! There will be no gentle moulding here but demands and tantrums if you don't meet the Narcissists strict “Quality Control” specifications (.... untenable by the way ;-) )
You will never be accepted or loved for who you really are, you will only be given a sham of love... if you match the N's (every changing) demands of what they require you to be!

Narcissists or Sociopaths can come across as seeming normal some of the time. They are often very good actors. They have to be in order to draw anyone to them. They will have studied normal humans and they will imitate them, but make no mistake, any semblance of normal emotion or action coming from them is an act!
At its most extreme Dexter on TV shows this so well. He imitates normality yet is not normal at all! This is how Narcissists and Sociopaths behave; they pretend to be normal yet they are not!

When you are standing there and your mother, friend, girlfriend has just had a raging tantrum, and insulted you (probably over nothing!) just remember this. There is nothing you can ever do that will change this behaviour, you can't be better for them, you can't help them (if they thought you wanted to help them they would be so insulted they'd make it their intent to destroy you all the more for your impudent thoughts). You can never do or be anything that will make them realise what they are doing to you or to play nicely!
It's is therefore up to you to accept they are not like you, and absolutely never will be like you! They will never one day GET IT and become normal, level headed loving individuals! All that will happen is that you are slowly destroyed!

I have been there. Thinking if I could just, if I could just, if I could just, then maybe she'd be normal, loving and happy???? It is almost impossible to believe that people can behave so coldly and calculatingly and so totally without conscience, but sadly N’s and S’s are not like us.

Take heart, though it's not you!  You never did anything wrong, there is nothing wrong with who you are or what you do - you just have had the misfortune to be suckered onto by a sick individual. Do not feel guilty for your inability to make it all better and harmonious, just accept there are sadly some nutters out there and you met one.

There is absolutely nothing you can do, and the longer you stay trying, the more you will be used and abused. They won't change. Not only that when you do go (if you manage to go first) they won't give you a backward glance. They know the world is full of people they can use and abuse. If you hang in til they dump you, you will see for yourself that they have no feelings for you!
Any person in a relationship of any kind with a Narcissist or Sociopath is just like a mouse being played with by a cat! The cat knows mice are easy to come by; they will play until they get bored.
They will do as much damage as they see fit and then walk off to piss on someone else’s lawn!!

Its not to say N/S’ s can't play nice at times. There are random acts of kindness... But you'll soon realise they generally have strings attached. There is some pretence at normality, but if you are in a relationship and you find yourself stressed since the appearance of this person, the focus of tantrums and rages (usually where you are belittled), and that you are having to do a lot of changing to fit in to their vision of how you should be, then take note of the above, and do the only sane thing you can - get the hell out of there, and give no thought to guilt or sadness.

Before long you will see how easily replaceable you are and know you did the best thing and that there was nothing you could ever have done to make things right!

 

 

 

 

 

When you grow up with personality disordered parents, it can make you very wary or even scared of normal people’s reactions, and I have noticed from my own experience this can cause problems in relationships because you fear communicating for fear of getting the kind of reactions you had as a child or young adult (or even a fully grown adult if you are still in contact with personality disordered parents). Both my parents exhibited the behaviour of  Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

When interacting with a PD person the most likely scenario was that any time you spoke to that person about anything that related to your needs or feelings you encountered rage. That puts a huge block in your psyche that can have a long running impact on your life.

I love you = RAGE

I feel xxxx = RAGE

I felt hurt when you did xxxx = RAGE

It meant that as a child or adult you swallowed those feelings and never spoke up because quite frankly it is more peaceful not to, even if you are hurting and upset... which normally has to be hidden!

In some situations as a child and adult and my mother was spoiling for a fight, I said “I love you” and it was met with rage... usually of the self-righteous variety with a load of insults thrown in for good measure. As in “Well if that were true you would do exactly what I want and not be a disrespectful, ungrateful, xxxx”

In our last interaction before No Contact (NC) I said it again and was met with rage and the cold shoulder combined (quite a feat that, to be a raging cold shoulder! Lol!)

I have noticed that as a result of this conditioning that I suffer incredibly when faced with having to speak of relationship matters to friends or lovers. In fact it is only really the people I have known most of my life that I truly feel able to express myself fairly comfortably with – and even then the “What if he/she takes this really badly and gets angry or rejects me” starts up in my mind.

With PD or NPD parents you aren’t allowed to have normal human feelings or emotions. At best I was an automaton that was generally seen and not heard. My father was fond of that one “Children should be seen and not heard”. I was so “unheard” I may as well have not had a voice. If I was sad or upset or angry or belittled I kept it all in. It is probably no coincidence that I had nightmares, sleepwalking episodes and such like until around 12 years of age. I guess the emotion that was suppressed came out in my sleep. I spent every night from as far back as I can remember until around 14 or so, in a state of abject anxiety, cold sweats and pounding heart until I fell asleep. I was never allowed to get excited in a normal childish manner because I would have been told off for being “childish” so I behaved like an emotionally repressed 40yr old instead! – even my favourite game when I was around ten was sitting in my bedroom pretending I was a secretary with my mother’s old typewriter!

So now I fear communicating. To the extent I have been through a five year relationship and not once communicated my feelings, for fear of being met either with the cold shoulder or rage or rejection or maybe even all three. It’s not as if I ever wanted to say anything life changing! The worst thing I ever wanted to say was “It upsets me when you leave crumbs all over the worktop or drop them on the floor as it makes me feel that my efforts aren’t respected” Now that isn’t really the kind of thing that should provoke a rage in a normal person (in a PD or particularly Narcissistic PD person, they would start raging over something like that), so it should be fairly simple to say. Every time I thought of it I would get a cold chill of fear close over my heart and my mind would run circles of “what if’s”. I was convinced I’d get dumped for merely expressing myself. So I never did.

I could never say out loud “I love you” either for fear of rage and rejection, because in my mind I was “never good enough” so I feared I’d be ignored or rejected. I would imagine that by saying it the recipient’s skin would start crawling and they’d back off in horror that this hideous Golom type creature loved them ... I mean, yuck, what a thought! I am not Golom of course and never was, but the way I came to feel because of my parents behaviour towards me certainly made me feel that way for a very long time.

Recently I have had to write to someone, and express my feelings, and it’s the same fears popping into my mind. What if they are angry about it, what if they are indifferent, what if they are bemused. I am condemning myself to a less than favourable response in my mind, even before the email has pinged onto the recipients screen! I wrote to my mother in this way once, and yes it was met with anger, and indifference, but normal people aren’t like that.

So how do we get over these ingrained fear responses. I don’t really have the answer but I know that recognising these thoughts are fears is probably the start. They are fears based on the reactions of people who were less than sane; they should not be the basis for your new reality. If you can stop the thought process and say “NO, this is merely a fear, I won’t let it influence me” then perhaps that is the start of healthier thought processes? I am recognising so much in my mind that is a fear these days. You can end up churning over these things for days if you let them. Ultimately they are just that, a fear. A response brought about by old conditioning that no longer has any place.

I have been reading “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers recently and I would recommend it. One of her favourite sayings is to remind yourself “Whatever happens, I can handle it.” It’s not dissimilar to what I tell myself. “It will work out fine” and in most instances that is actually true. People who have gone through the abuse of PD or NPD parents are actually hugely strong, they had to be to survive, and those that are still standing know that however painful it may have been they “handled it”. When you recognise the fears you still hold, you can stop them ruling your life and you can handle it and it will work out fine!

 

 

20 January 2014

I have been reading a lot about Narcissistic abuse and dysfunctional families online lately and with nearly every article there is something which makes me nod sadly in recognition. Sometimes I wonder how my young mind managed to cope without exploding or that I am not in a padded cell as a result.

One of the things I read today was through Facebook page “Emerging From Broken” and was a link called Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families. It is on http://ministryhealth.net – article 064.

It was an article relating the ten rules of dysfunctional families and how they mould the childrens’ beliefs and feelings as a result. While not all were true for me, many hold a resonance.

One that stands out particularly for me in the list “Thou shallt be hyper-vigilant” and the situation relates to how a child is told how dangerous the world is and that people cannot be trusted and especially to trust no one outside the family = result trust no one.

My Dad was very fond of saying “The worlds alright, it’s the people in it that’s the problem” and his motto was definitely “trust no one”. In fact it was quite clear he hated people in general and actually had no one who would be called a friend (the closest he had were a few acquaintances he’d talk to in passing and maybe once every couple of years we might have a couple he knew at the house for an evening).

I think his attitude led me to be afraid of people for years. I can recall around the age of 10,12,14 etc., being scared to even talk to people in shops to ask for what I wanted. I went everywhere in abject fear. When I left school and started taking evening classes it was probably not until I was around 24 that I could manage to walk into the room on the first night without palpitations of dread and fear.

The message had always been that people were dangerous and untrustworthy.

By the time I was about 8 or 10 I was terrified that I would be abducted and murdered as my parents (father in particular) would barely let me do anything outside because they said I would be abducted, raped and murdered... and that men could have you in the back of a van before you blinked. Around the time I was 10 or 11 a news report came on late one night, alleging that a 13yr old girl had been murdered in her bed next to her parent’s bedroom, just a few streets away. To see my parents reaction to this one might have expected they believed I was next. They went to extraordinary (and pathetic) lengths to take measures to stop someone climbing the stairs unhindered to my bedroom. Having failed with the foil bottle tops under a mat at the top of the stairs (which did not make enough noise to wake them should an intruder step on them.... hmmm!) they then solved the problem but putting the clothes horse at the top of the stairs instead. This they assumed would make enough of a din, assuming it compliantly collapsed in the hands of said murderer! I was watching all this from my bed terrified! (It probably did little to help the night anxiety I suffered as mentioned in previous post).

It later turned out that the murder victim was around 19 and had rejected the murderer’s romantic pursuit, and therefore it was not some random serial killer at all, however the clothes horse remained at the top of the stairs every night to remind me they thought I was going to be murdered... although quite how useful it would have been when I myself could avoid it by climbing over the banisters, god alone knew! (And they wondered why I sleep-walked??)

In contrast when a moment of what could have been terrible danger actually happened both were utterly oblivious to the possible ramifications of their actions. A few years later, when I was 13, they accepted the invitation of a strange man to spend the evening watching TV in his converted lorry (since we didn’t have TV in the caravan). It is probably very lucky that both were not drugged by said bloke and that I was not attacked while they were unconscious! The best they could come up with was that he was a little odd, but it was rude to turn down his invitation!!!

He had obviously noticed me and it was clear I was the reason for the invite, and the fact once we had gone to his lorry for the evening, he proceeded to ask me all manner of inappropriate questions (had I got a boyfriend, had I been kissed), showed an inappropriate film and requested a back massage from me should have raised a few red flags! I suppose they believed that as he was a member of the caravan club he must be an upstanding citizen. They were oblivious that I spent the remainder of the stay at that caravan site in utter horror, having palpitations every time I went outside the caravan and had nightmares for months after.

It showed me, unfortunately, that you couldn’t trust outsiders but neither could you trust your own family not to lead you straight into danger.

It has taken more years than I care to think about to retrain myself not to fear people. For many years in my late teens and early twenties I used to wear men’s clothes bought from Oxfam in order to hide the fact I was female, and what with the huge Doc Martin boots (vaguely fashionable at the time) thought it made me look tougher than I was. It didn’t actually work to be honest, and despite the garb I had a whole gaggle of dodgy old men followers and one semi-stalker in the boatyard where I worked! I suppose despite what I thought, the clothes didn’t make me look confident at all, just the opposite, an easy target for dodgy old pervs!

 

In the same article the “Eighth Commandment” is “Thou shallt not let anyone do anything for you. Do it yourself.” And again it is about not trusting people, because anyone who does anything for you is manipulating you. Or at least that is the message if it comes out of the mouth of a PD or NPD person (Well only they can manipulate you, right?!). This certainly has some resonance with me. My parents never really trusted anyone outside of the house, so it was much the same story. If someone did something for you it was because they wanted something from you. Not a very good message to be sticking in a child’s head! As a result of that I rarely, if ever, asked anyone for help. It’s only more recently that I am opening up to this somewhat and not half killing myself by doing things on my own e.g. moving beds etc! Never an easy task on one’s own lol!

Obviously this particular message does an awful lot to isolate kids and adults from seeking any help with their problems relating to living with a NPD or PD person. And obviously by maintaining the sense of isolation, it is difficult for the victim to trust that anyone would want to selflessly help or offer assistance or advice without bias. It keeps the person right where they are, as they are told only their family is trustworthy. Needless to say it can be many years before victims find the courage to break out of that situation and learn the truth.

 

The “Ninth Commandment” in the article is “Thou Shallt be Perfect” – Hmmmm ... How many years I have tried to do that?!

For PD/NPD parents nothing is ever good enough! You could be playing a one man band, cooking a beautiful meal, reciting Shakespeare and passing all your GCSE’s with A* simultaneously and that will never be good enough for a NPD parent! The consequence is you then go through life always trying to be perfect, just (maybe) to get a solitary bit of praise. The praise never comes! More is always required.

For years I have beat myself up over things I do, because I look at them and feel I could have done better. I am not sure I really could have done better... who am I really trying to be perfect for? If I park a boat, does it matter if I don’t use the least number of manoeuvres possible to make it “text book” perfect? And even if I did who actually cares? Does it matter if those roast potatoes aren’t quite golden perfection all over, they taste great anyway. Yet time and again I will do something and if it isn’t “perfect” to me I beat myself up and feel useless. I have come to realise this is a symptom of an upbringing by NPD parents. I am still trying (in vain) to reach the place where I may get praise... never mind that I am not even in contact with my remaining parent, but I can see that is what I have been trying to do for years, chase a sliding scale that I never had any hope of reaching, as an NPD person will never ever accept that you are good enough! Of course the NPD parent or person themselves will be far from perfect, but they tell you they are and woe betide if you don’t enthusiastically agree.

 

The “Sixth Commandment” is “Thou shallt not feel” and I certainly understand that one. Any show of emotion is generally discouraged by a PD/NPD person, so the child (and later adult) has to suppress emotions in their presence. You can’t have the neighbours seeing or hearing anything that might suggest it is anything other than a perfect idyll in this house! In my experience I had to behave like a calm emotionless automaton and if at any time I had any strong emotions (be that fear, heartbreak, depression) they were either met with rage or occasionally five minutes of apparent sympathy, followed by half an hour of how my mother’s life had been ten times worse (basically a monologue of blaming everyone else for her woes!). To outsiders it all had to seem hunky dory! Since I went NC with my mother many people have expressed surprise that the situation was not what it appeared to be when we appeared outside together!

 

MP ;-)

 

21 January 2014 - Rebellion?

 

I have been asked by someone, why didn’t I just rebel from my parents’ abusive and controlling ways? Why didn’t I put on a pair of high heels, slap on some make-up and a short skirt and go out the door to live my life with a raised finger at my parents? Why not indeed? To someone from a normal family, or even someone from a family of strict parents, they cannot possibly understand the difference of being brought up in an abusive/controlling environment. It destroys you in a way that makes rebellion impossible. There is very little of your psyche left with which to rebel – certainly if you are an only child of PD/NPD parents. Obviously being female I don’t know if male children of PD/NPD parents have more will to rebel, maybe they do, I do not think they can be destroyed quite so much as a female child can particularly by the behaviour of the mother. Also it may be that if there are a number of siblings then the abuse load is shared further and may allow one to have enough strength left to rebel, but I can’t imagine any only child would have the strength left for it.

Quite simply when you are an only child of PD parents you bear the brunt of all the abuse and they isolate you and systematically destroy your psyche to the point where your basically imprisoned by the beliefs they have pinned on you. Often they will prevent you having friends or do much to hinder any friendships you may have, which further isolates you. The home becomes the sanctuary and the jail.

Unlike a child from a normal home you just do not have the outside support network available to you. Certainly I didn’t. I was banned from seeing my friends, and the vast majority of the extended family lived a long way away, and from my Dad’s point of view were never trusted so at that time I was wary too. As I have put in another post, you are taught you can’t trust anyone so you end up with very little outside support, and as the outside “appearances” are far from the truth, even if there was some support available the fear is that you wouldn’t be believed anyway.

By the time I was in my twenties I had no self-esteem, no confidence, my whole life was affected. I could not rebel at that point as I had no friends, and I had little money, I had no way out! And of course when it is actually happening it is unlikely you would even question that it was abusive... that realisation comes later!

If I had had normal friends around me or normal family members maybe it would have been possible to retain enough spark of my true self to rebel and leave them to it, but unfortunately that is not the nature of the way abusive families run. The abusive person will always isolate the victim, so whether you are an abusive parent or an abusive spouse, they will make sure that the victim has no means of escape that there support network is lost or just never allowed to flourish. This is why rebellion is virtually impossible for the children of Narcissists or Personality disordered parents.

I have read that in many cases children in these situations are suffering something akin to Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm Syndrome happens in kidnapping cases where the victim forms a bond with the kidnapper and often then feels empathy and such like for them and almost doesn’t want them to be punished. They become dependent on the very person who is their most lethal enemy. This is much like being a child of a PD parent. You are demolished so badly that you are dependent on them. They are your poison and your lifeline; they make certain that they are. That is why rebellion is just not an option. It took me until my thirties (after the death of my father) to get together enough self-confidence and self-esteem to get away from home. And it was only after this that I actually realised that my parents had  Narcissistic personality disorder and their behaviour had been abusive.

An eclectic mix of observations!


My beliefs– I believe in reincarnation, a creator/source of all things and angels! I also believe in some scientific theories such as Alternative Universes. There I said it!

This belief has come from a life-long pursuit of knowledge based on my feelings and intuitions. I believe in ghosts although I have never yet seen one (and kind of hope I don’t!) although I know others who have. I believe in angels although I have not seen one, although I feel their work in my life. I believe in the Law of Attraction and can see it for all the good and less good in my life, even some “miracles”! It also makes some sense to me that alternate realities are possible, but then that is because I believe in the soul. Quite frankly this Universe is infinite so why wouldn’t all possibilities be explored? I’d like to see that, see how different versions of my life panned out after different options occurred! I can imagine some may well have been for the better and some for the worse, but hopefully I am making the best decisions in this Universe! ;-)

 

Meditation –I try to meditate but I don’t know if I am doing it wrong. It is said you can experience bliss and answer the questions that plague you by doing so although I have yet to feel either. When I do it I feel like the phone line to this bliss and question solving is out of order ... I either fall asleep or remember my shopping list and all that needs to be done! Followed shortly by a sore bum and cramped thighs! Although in the subject of meditation I saw a really hot guy doing it on the sea wall one day (he looked like something out of Baywatch in his red shorts!) and I really wanted to ask him what he got out of it, unfortunately I got a migraine whilst waiting for him to come round and had to get home! Hey ho!

 

Conspiracy Theories – Now I love a good conspiracy theory, I have done ever since I was a child. It was as if to something in me these alternative views of “reality” made sense. They resonated. I have loved reading and making my own mind up ever since rather than believing what we are spoon fed by the media. Now I rarely read the news or watch it or watch the TV. And when I do watch the TV and see the adverts, well the mindless rubbish they try to “sell us” is enough to have me shaking my head in despair, and gratefully switching off!

That said I read some of the Conspiracy stuff with amazement (not sure if that is the right word!). One of the things that has been cropping up lately is the “Flat Earth Conspiracy” – that is to say some people are trying to say that the history/geography we have been taught about a spherical earth orbiting the sun (at break-neck speeds) is wrong and that they say the Earth is flat, presumably something akin to a plate with the map spread across one face and (I kid you not) as lovely pie crust of ice all round to stop the sea falling off. Apparently it is stationary and the sun and planet etc rotate around us. They use the fact that sailors use triangles to navigate as proof there is not curvature of the earth! An interesting idea, yes sailors do use triangles to navigate (well the old ones do, the younger whipper-snappers just use a GPS plotter!). However I can only conclude that these “flat earth” nutters live somewhere far inland in a big country and have never sailed out of sight of land or been on anything other than a lake. Because anyone who has sailed out of sight of land knows the earth is curved. Indeed some very clever dude at some point must have worked out the exact radius of said curve because you can work out your position by using the angles (with a sextant) of fixed objects on the horizon to work out how far away you are and pin point your location. Likewise tables are used to take into account the height of the observers eye in order to see things on the horizon. And not forgetting that if you sail straight out to sea the land behind you disappears below the horizon! The writer of the “Flat Earth” theory said light houses can be seen for miles! Yes but only until they dip below the horizon due to the curve of the earth! No sailor would ever agree the earth was flat! These theorists have also failed to take into account the ships that sail round the world! Are they to imagine they just sailed round the edges of “the plate”. Clearly they haven’t thought much on longitude and latitude and how that has been arrived at! I wonder how they would explain the circular weather patterns of highs and lows and why the water goes down the drain different in the different hemispheres, and not forgetting the day/night hours and time difference. If the earth was a flattish plate how come we don’t all get the sun at the same time?

It is sad people put stuff like that on the internet – it does little to help those who are trying to highlight truths in this world who are then lumped in with such nutters!

I do not have the knowledge to know exactly how this solar system or Universe works, but as I sailor I know the earth is curved and therefore no doubt spherical. Whether there really is all those stars and planets and different galaxies in the sky (as it would appear) or it just a pretty projection and we are in some “virtual reality” game who knows and maybe we’ll never know.

 

Evolution Vs God –

What I wonder is why do these have to be exclusive? You have “the church” that says its all created and then you have the “scientists” who says it all the Big Bang and evolution. What I really wonder is why pray, is here no middle road that can accept BOTH! Is it not possible to imagine that the “big bang” was a point of creation and that at some point after that humans were created (not saying by whom, it could have been the “God” of the Bible or some alien who made us as slaves, as in the writings about the Annunaki.) The truth is no human, no matter how intelligent they think they are, will (in my opinion) ever grasp the truth about this Universe or its true beginnings! Honestly why do idiots fight and make war over “Gods” or even over “God vs Science”?! It is a world of wonder and amazement why can’t people focus on that?

It is quite possible in my mind that humans were created and that aspects on this planet (and Universe) have gone through an evolution. Everything changes and evolves; it does not mean it is random. You’d have to be pretty ignorant not to see an intelligence behind it, the wonder of nature and the balance of it all (well until humans started wrecking it at least!!)

 

Selfish – I recently saw a post by Elizabeth Gilbert on having listened for ten years and tried to explain herself with regard to “Selfish” and how she is removing it from her vocabulary and not responding to mentions of it ever again. And good on you Liz for doing so!

Apparently she has been called selfish for all manner of the things she has done. Personally I have found her book an inspiration; she went on a journey to find herself and was lucky enough (or used the Law of Attraction) to bring forth her current life and lifestyle. I think the planet would be a far better place if the humans of this world did some work to find themselves rather than criticising those who have and are inspirations to thousands if not millions! But then those who look at her and see some wrong doing in her action and calling her selfish are simply projecting their own thoughts and issues onto her.

She says she has been called selfish for divorcing her husband, for being a full time writer and not having a “proper job” and I think also for not having children (I may be wrong on that score but it’s an oft heard cry in this world!).

So these people were they in her position would rather she stayed married to a husband she was no longer compatible with? Would they prefer he suffered with someone who no longer loved him rather than be released to find someone who did? What is that kind of sentiment about?! How is that even sane?

Secondly would the same people who throw the term selfish about, not be perfectly happy to live doing something they love as their job if they were also lucky enough to live from it? You can’t tell me they’d still do a “proper job” if they chanced upon some means of living without it! Also do they assume Liz just somehow magiced her life out of a hat? Everything in life takes effort and no doubt Liz does her fair share of that! I myself would rather like to live from being a full time writer and believe me if that happens it will not be through being lazy or “lucky”. My writing and the effort that goes into far exceeds the effort that is entailed in a 9-5 office job! Writing becomes all-consuming and takes many many more hours than my office job does! And if (or perhaps I should say when!) I reached her level of success it won’t be from mere luck, but sheer unadulterated will, passion and hard work (mixed with some good old fashioned Law of Attraction!) over many years. Overnight successes never are, but I guess it’s easy for people to sit there throwing the word selfish about that look and what they could actually do to achieve the same thing!

Thirdly, I’m not 100% sure if this is one levelled at Elizabeth Gilbert as I can’t remember the full article now but certainly it is suffered by many women in this world – being selfish not to have kids! I can only imagine these words are used by people who have had them and have some hidden issues about that fact! Indeed I was recently condemned in public by a woman who judged me for my childlessness, which was rather amusing given she knows nothing about me, or my situation, and I have witnessed on a number of occasions her behaviour with her kids. I can only assume she has some resentment issues to deal with regarding hers (given the temper she is constantly in with them) and my “apparent” ease of life since I am without them! However if I am regarded as selfish by others due to my childlessness then that actually is none of my concern, and frankly is indicative of the observer’s projection! I have decided after a brief dalliance with the notion of wanting kids “before it’s too late” that actually it would be selfish to have them based on the possibility I might “be missing out not to”.

The responsibilities of having a child, in my mind, are huge and it would seem a great many have not even pondered a fraction of the gravity of the situation they find themselves in.  Having witnessed at close hand a baby/toddler of a friend of mines over recent months I acknowledge I am simply not cut out for parenthood. Having been brought up the way I was by someone who should never have had kids, I will not risk even a small chance that I could end up doing the same, by selfishly having progeny because that is what everyone else believes you should do! It would be selfish in the extreme for me to have kids given my reservations about my abilities to care for them in the manner they deserve, without me somehow morphing into my mother. Even if there was only a tiny chance of me exhibiting a fraction of my mother’s behaviour, that in my mind, is too much – I will not risk the slightest chance of me damaging an innocent psyche in the way mine was! Indeed, if you dug into the deepest issues as to why the general population have children it would be highly likely their reasons are far from altruistic!

Finally in closing on the subject of selfish, I was regularly called that by my mother when she wished to manipulate me. In actual terms I was always the selfless one – well I’d been brainwashed from birth to put her first, after all. I have no doubt that my mother would be calling me selfish til the cows come home, if she could spew forth her bile to me now. However if I am selfish for leaving an abusive situation, restoring my sanity by living alone and concentrating on healing to find my true self, then “selfish” I am! If she thinks that or if anyone else thinks that of me and my way of life then all I can say is look in the mirror and ask why you should judge another thus, for what you see in others resides in you, else you would not be able to perceive it elsewhere!

 

Cow’s Milk – I recently gave up cow’s milk. Having read several articles over the past year or so, the time came to act. My boss and my ex would both roll their eyes and make comments such as “where does it go? Do you bath in it?” in relation to my consumption of the said beverage. I could drink a litre a day in my tea (strong yet milky with honey thanks!) but I have read too much alarming information to continue that practice. I also read that “Dairy face” includes dark circles and incidences of eczema – both of which I have had for years. So three weeks ago, enough for enough. I stopped drinking it. My eczema did improve until I substituted Oat milk to have with my now once daily cups of “builders”. It would seem that I forgot that Oats that are not organic are heavily contaminated with glyphosate and have a bad effect on my eczema too (I have already cut out all non organic wheat & oats due to the bad effects of the glyphosate!).  Despite it being my biggest vice I don’t actually miss it – indeed it is far more exciting going to the cupboard to see which herbal tea I fancy than the endless times I just picked up coffee or tea.

For the record my reasons for avoiding cow’s milk are the fact that milk is homogenised which oxidises the fat and makes it bad for you, it is then pasteurised (heat treated) taking out all good enzymes making it an empty food, it is full of antibiotics, hormones, pesticides and gmo thanks to the cows being fed crap! If you’re lucky it doesn’t have pus and blood in it but then again you’re probably not that lucky unless it’s organic but even then it does not do what they claim since the countries with the greatest incidence of osteoporosis also consume the most milk! And then there is the sad fact that cows are kept in calf to make it without any thought that they might actually have emotions! So no thanks milk, my time with you is done!

 

Thoughts/Beliefs – Having seen Tony & Annie Mills last month for their leaving drinks (as stated below) and been inspired by his words (yet again) I have had a month of feeling really good. I decided to let go of my worries and have faith in the future. Any time my mind wondered I let go of the thoughts that have been troubling me. It was surprisingly easy, but made such an amazing difference. The mind is, in my opinion, the greatest torturer known to man! Having been single for quite a while my thoughts do turn to thoughts of relationships and partner, but so often although I can happily “feel” how good it would be to have them, I often get stuck in the misery of the “not having” which just piles up and get worse. Instead of allowing that I redirected my thoughts to positive. And do you know what I realised, if you don’t think of being lonely you don’t notice that you are alone! If you don’t worry about things you can enjoy the moment. My month was great! I am hoping it will continue, I had a blip when I had a cold and felt depressed for a while but it soon passed. Instead of constantly thinking I know where I want to be and what I want to be doing, but HOW do I get there? I stopped worrying about the how, the where etc and let go. There were days when I wanted to bottle the good feeling that simply came from letting go and stopping my mind torture me! Where I had spent a lot of time dwelling on what I feel is “wasted time” and fear of how long will things stay the same which led to fears of it being ad-infinitum, I stopped those thoughts in their tracks and decided to take every day moment by moment and just enjoy what is there. It makes a tremendous difference to the day to take it moment by moment (forgetting what has passed and not worrying for the next hour). Instead of feeling frustration and annoyance at things I just let go, and each day felt good, whereas for the past few months the dwelling on the less desirable stuff has felt like each second was never ending torture.

I would not wish the current situation to last years, but if things have a set time to them, then I know the time will pass in far easier fashion by not thinking of the less desirable things! As Abraham-Hicks says, you cannot get you want by focusing on the “not having” of it. Indeed by constantly noticing the “not having” you are making life a misery for yourself.

I have several dreams and they do feel to me as if they have an expiry date on them which has led to frustration in the past, but the Universe knows what I want, as does my Higher self, so I have to step out of the way and allow it to happen. I may not necessary be able to get certain things or have certain circumstances to the letter but trying to control it will not make life any easier. The intention is “out there” so I have to let go and just enjoy the moment. – which is in some way the inspiration for another book I have started.

 

Learning To Fly – is now available on Amazon. I finished the editing and it is ready to go!

 

Skating – I have been out skating for an afternoon. I didn’t fall over or even come close, but I can’t say I managed to be exactly relaxed about it. Maybe that will come! Somewhere along the line I have developed a fear of falling over and hurting myself. I wonder if my fearlessness as a child was based on the knowledge I’d be taken care of if I injured myself (albeit possibly with a whole load of “I told you so”) and maybe now I am all too aware that to injure myself would be to possibly throw myself into financial disarray? I might have to see if I can sort that with the Living Lens.

 

Family karma – Last week my good friends Annie and Tony Mills posted that they had met Diana Cooper in England. It was the work of Diana Cooper that started me on the journey to myself and recovering my sanity and self-esteem. It was her works that really started to bring the change to my life in particular her book Light Up Your Life and her works about Angels and the Universal Laws. I wish I could have been in the same room as Annie and Tony and Diana but possibly I would have been incoherent given the gratitude I feel for them and the change that has been accomplished because of them (it gives me a lump in my throat just thinking about it). However it highlighted the work of someone I had been previously unaware of. Tim Whild is a friend of Diana Cooper who was also at this even that Annie told me about, so I looked up his website to learn what he was all about. In so doing I found an Invocation to clear Family karma and anything related to Karma that may not serve you. As I have a certain belief that things can affect you due to your family genetics I decided to try the invocation for myself. It was easy enough to read, etc but halfway through something that was not conscious caught me because I felt the whole lump in throat, tears welling scenario that shows me something has been affecting me deeply (even though not consciously aware of it). I feel that clearing it has been a good thing. Certainly I feel I am the end of the road as far as my family and the cycle of N’s has been concerned.

 

Well that’s all for now! It’s a sunny afternoon; I probably should enjoy what’s left of it!

MP ;-)

Click here for RSS feed